RIP blogspot

i think today is the perfect day for my last post on blogspot.

if i went to that cafe to study, i probably wouldn't have been in the right state of mind.

this feels funny, i feel like i'm typing a eulogy for this blogspot.. but really i'm not.

i remember i started this blogspot having an invigorated vision to share my thoughts as i went through life as a believer of God. however, little did i know that it was later going to be a blog full of blaspheming and journaling of a believer, falling away. after about a month of starting this blog... not even. maybe a few weeks after i started, i fell into this downward spiral of doubt and rebellious thinking. so then began the posts of rebellious thinking. i started to doubt whether i should blog at all, since maybe it was just discouraging a lot of believers.. yet something inside of me still wanted to blog more and more - maybe because it was one of the few outlets i had left to vent. i believed it so because.. well you know once you start falling away, you can't trust anyone and so everyone becomes your enemy.. and so on. and at that point i felt so alone in my position that i relented to only pouring out my heart to this blog.. which kinda worked.

many people approached me and tried to support as a response for reading this. and in some, small way i felt encouraged even though i had a hard time believing that little to no Christians had true genuine hearts that cared. but really, that was out of blind selfishness - so don't think i'm blaming anyone, just myself.

so in this time of rebelliousness, i embraced the life of basically being a non-christian.. embracing a life with the morals of just your average joe shmo, went to korea and did it all. embraced every single outlet that i could possible.. besides somethings since i held on to a few morals.. and that was exactly when i felt God tugging at my heart, because it was in living the life that i had grown up disrespecting that i found myself reaching back for God. being down in the dumps, embracing the world - and really only being reinforced temporarily led me to know and resolve to get my act straight once i got back to the US. and that i did attempt to do, although it was hard since i had been out of practice for so long.

even though i wanted the heart to chase after God's, i wasn't physically, mentally, or spiritually capable due to being so used to a sinful heart for what seemed to be a short time - but really, it was a LONG time. and so i internally struggled, battled with a heart that was used to being sinful and one that wanted to be back in God's arms.. and so i fell a few times.. but after talking to a few people, listening to a few messages, reading a few books it was then that my heart was taking in the nutrients of the bread of life instead of just eating and automatically pooping out anything that i consumed. things slowly started to make sense and i started to judge (others as well as myself) less.

today is a big mark for my faith and the man of God that i hope to become, because praying became more natural, bible study became normal, and interacting with fellow believers finally became something that i could stand and embrace. i know i'm not quite there yet, but i think this is a landmark to be remembered.

on this day, friday, March 6, 2010, 12:28am, the weekend before a bunch of stuff is due, i end my blog (after falling away and having many struggles) as a servant of God. May this blog have been an encouragement to believers, non-believers, all who dwell in this sinful world. God may you use this blog for your glory. (if you read my first post this paragraph would sound a lot cooler ^_^)

Thank you, God.

Amen.

-ajc

ps. RIP blog, thanks for the journey, the ride on a seat with so much to experience, so much to see.. i definitely had a good time sharing with you and struggling with you. i hope that you will continue to thrive, encourage others, and glorify God.