it's better to have loved and lost, then not have loved at all
or something like that?
i have to say that even though i liked the television series, House, a lot... i just started to like it exponentially because of the deeper values that i have learned due to sitting on my ass and (slightly) mindlessly watching this series hours on hours without end. side note: i do wonder who comes up with these episodes, along with coming up with the side character development AND achieving many good deeper values than just the surface (obvious) values like love others before you think about yourself... blah, blah.
it makes you wonder, do humans (those who believe in God AND those that don't) have good intentions and good hearts to begin with? or i guess you could argue that they develop them as they go through life (hardships, times to worship or what-not). don't think about that last sentence i just wrote too much. because i also want to argue that the whole idea of people having good hearts to begin with conflicts with the idea of humans with a fleshly nature of being innately selfish. we were born sinners, to be like our Creator, yet obviously because we were given free choice and are kinda selfish.. we sin and destruct. i think i'm just thinking way too hard about this, but i'm assuming that there's just an overall balance of people's goodness as well as selfishness/evil desires. i don't know. anyways, the whole first part of this blog was just thought up as i was writing just now.
but the real reason i wanted to post was to ponder upon that quote. yes, i agree with it. many, if not most, do as well. but why do we believe it? is it that the sheer experience gained from all of this is better than to not "experience" that specific situation. hey, it could mean you're cowardly for not "going for it" with that relationship or whatever. but if you REALLY think about it, you don't love and lose so that you can experience a different side of life. you choose the alternate route of loving and losing in a different way, with a completely different approach. you choose to love and lose with the world, situations, etc.
i think that i agree with the quote by principle. but i don't agree with it in terms of practice - because the life i've lived so far doesn't agree with it. and even now, situations come in my life with friends, acquaintances, family, and people i would consider really close to my heart - such and such. however, i am not living by the principle because instead of going deeper or initiating a relationship, i shy away and choose to not deal with the potential hurt and pain. because i want this next relationship or friendship to be solid. i don't want to get hurt no more. i want for everything to be all good. yet, i see myself missing out on so much. i don't know... my life seems to be empty, not SO meaningless (because i know my end result is in God), but it feels like i want that partner. i desire innately a mate, yes, but i think you might be reading me wrong here. i really think i'm missing out on a true spiritual accountability where it's not all nice, not all direct encouragement, not all ... shallow. everything i'm living is shallow. i can't think of the last time i got "deep" with someone and gotten to the nitty-gritty where it starts to chafe on a few pieces of my heart. i can't even think if i ever have.. in my whole life. that sounds kinda sad, yes. and inside somewhere i kinda am sad. maybe it's accountability in terms of a best friend, girlfriend, good friend, family member, brother, sister, whatever. but i know that it's not exactly my approach to an accountabiltiy relationship or anything, but the way that in the way that i view friendships and such.
because let's face the facts here, i've admitted that i'm a people pleaser and that i subconsciously use having a good affinity with people to satiate me. in other words, my life contentment is based on how not lonely i feel. and when i feel lonely, it's then that i feel that i have no life purpose or anything.
you know, now that i think about it, i always hear about people loving alone time and time with God (just a face-to-face thing), and i even agree and say that i enjoy it as well. but i only enjoy it for a fragment of time.. then i start feeling lonely and lowly of self-worth. does anyone else feel that way? is that because i have no identity but with people? sdkljaldkjsakdjl
anyways. .. ugh i hate how my intentions to write in the beginning and the end of a post differ so strongly. because at the end of it all, i feel more confused. but i guess it's all a part of learning about myself.
this is really interesting because this is seriously like the 2nd to last post before i move over to tumblr, and i almost feel as if something profound is supposed to happen just because it's the CONCLUSION of my life... on blogspot. man, if you really think about it, i've written nearly 100 posts and you can really make that into a book and call it "Jiminy's thoughts on life" or something. well, if you feeel a little more private about your thoughts, then it becomes a journal. but i tend to feel very open about my thoughts, deeper ones included, because i feel that the very pressure of the possibility of others reading it makes me write more seriously than half-assing my way through writing a journal post just because i'm feeling obligated to that day. or "i should because i haven't in a while."
anyways. i think i should probably end this post here because it's starting to get long. maybe if i can, before my next post, manage to get my thoughts more organized, i'll write a fully sensical post.
-ajc
ps. i love you
No comments:
Post a Comment