selfish.

selfish. i am.

you know, i wonder why they called it selfish. does it have to do with any fishy stuff? or is it named after a type of fish? does the root word have something to do with it? i don't know.. i really find that word kinda funny.

but the meaning of it is not funny at all. it's something i struggle with - something we all struggle with. granted we all struggle with it in different ways with different outlets. it's definitely going to be on our top struggles for the rest of our lives, why? because we're freaking prone to be selfish. because we "is" made of "flesh" - get it, get it? haha, mix those letters around and you should get selfish... i think. ugh, anyways. yes, we are human beings, naturally and instinctively going about ways to fulfill our desires. we just don't exactly know HOW to fulfill those desires, at least we end up not doing it in the right way. the world tells us to do it one.. well many different sorts of ways and that.. is.. well, how we end up being so selfish. but really, if from the start we were only taught the way God taught it to us and followed it, think of how the world would be today? but i guess that's how God intended it to be, that us with our free choice of will would make it that more precious if we made that choice out of full consciousness of our own desires and what the world tells us. man that was a long and meaty sentence, but i hope you understood it.

anyways, that was me ranting and not really writing about what i intended to write about today. i intended to write on how our selfishness tends to take us away from what we're meant to be. wait, was it? man. this is bad because i totally wrote that rts on my previous post to tell me what to write about this time.. but i forgot WHAT about selfishness i was going to write about. oh well.

on to different issues i guess.

so i just watched shutter island with a group of friends. and i will not give away things about the plot that may ruin it for any readers, but i just wanted to make a claim about myself and how i'm affected by movies. movies really emotionally influence me. is that just me, or does everyone? like seriously, during and even after the movie, my emotions are seriously what the movie was trying to evoke in me... hmm, i mean that i'm seriously feeling anger if someone very "protagonist"-ic dies in the movie, or if the director is trying to evoke an emotion of confusion, then i'm definitely feeling it, unless he totally sucked at doing it that time. and i kinda don't like it because of the neukkeem or feeling (overall) of that movie was kinda dark, eerie, and confusing then i'm feeling it not only during the movie but AFTER. i hate it! haha you guys can laugh at me, and i can laugh at myself even now, but i'm not laughing during or after that movie unless it was pure comedy.

CLICK is a good example, because that movie seriously evokes like 100 different emotions some parts 10 different and others just 1 emotion. but really, at the end i was feeling sad, angry, happy, amused, etc... weird, huh? anyways. i'm done with that.

oh yeah and one thing that was super... eh about that movie was literally 90% of the movie, someone was smoking a something. whether it be a cigarette, cigar, or pipe SOMEONE was smoking. and you have to imagine for a person like me who is still in the process of quitting, how annoyed i felt. haha, most people would just be bothered or like "oh interesting that movie had a lot of cigarettes", but for me i was like AHH I WANT ONE! GIMME GIMME! i don't care if they're laced or anything! haha. jk. well, kinda. but yeah, today's day 20 of being clean. only 10 more days and i'm free? will i keep not smoking? i really hope that i don't relapse. really, really. but i still want one... DAHH. JESUS.

prayer is important people. pray.

-ajc