why? you ask.
i feel this way because... well for one, all my roommates have left for the weekend and it's an all-but-empty apartment to feel lonely in. after a little self-reflection, that helped me to realize, again, how people dependent i am and have become. it doesn't occur to you obviously when you're sitting at your apartment with a few of your apartmentmates home - even if they don't talk to you for that whole night. but it's the sheer principle of having someone in the house while you're there.
it is but a tragedy for me to sit here, whine, and wail about being alone. but i know i must bear it (how selfish does that sound) and learn to appreciate being alone for some self-reflection and getting to know myself "behind-closed-doors" so to say. honestly, i can just sit here and sin, lust, think bad crap about other people but i think it's going to be good for me to pour out about how i currently feel about this circumstance and being in it.
disclaimer: if you don't like what you've read thus far, i advise you to not read any further.. because it's going to get a WHOLE lot worse :o
as i've been in the presence of a few close friends not too long ago, i've kind of realized how what you think of a person can influence every thing they say or do to you from then on. it was clearly relevant with the movie "memento" in how he thought of his friend, teddy, after he wrote a phrase behind teddy's picture. everything out of teddy's mouth became subject to suspicion almost immediately. even for me - the audience. i believed every word of teddy's to be a lie. i mean, my situation as well as the character's is completely different to real-life because the character has a memory impairment as well as me just being a new participator in the current happening of that movie.
anyways, i've just realized this same feeling when someone tells or asks me something about this other friend. and now when i talk or interact with this new friend, the way i treat them, the way i hear the things they say, the way that i choose to be around them (period) becomes entirely different. see that's the way we were built as humans. to use recent information about a relevant person or situation in the current situation to react and protect your self or for self-gain. i just wish that our minds were so pure and that we wouldn't judge people and situations and change everything based on that. i just wish i could sit next to a person who had just killed my wife and love on them.. well, not as if they had done nothing, but as if i forgave and chose to forget it for the sake of loving.
i'm a thinker, i know. i think way tooo much and i've written a post about it. but i think it's me really understanding how and why i think this way when certain scenarios come around and maybe learn to better myself for next situations and such. it's all a learning experience - as they say.
sometimes i'm so deep in thought that when i say something, it almost comes out of the blue or as if what i said was completely obvious and didn't need to be stated. and friends laugh at me or are just completely taken aback. and i'm fine with that i guess. it's not like it hurts our relationship... or it shouldn't.
i just know that after all this transition phase of mine is said and done, that i can really come to a better understanding of myself and use it to glorify God and love God more.
-ajc
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