let's face it. i'm miserable.

(disclaimer: this post may be very discouraging or offensive to many people, so if you are sensitive to or don't likenegativity, then i advise you to not read this post)

i don't know where to start.

i've seriously tried it all. from the worldly to the "christianly". lived my life trying to seek the worldly, temporary pleasures - all came to nothing. i lived my life trying to seek God and seek His heart for me, i did my best to let Him take control, i did it all - at least i feel. i mean i know i didn't do it ALL. but i've wasted my self pretty thin. yet, i could just see all the negativity in the christian walk (all the hypocrasy, as well). as i walked around this campus seeing person to person... so much hypocrasy. so little conviction in their hearts to do anything for God. we hear numbers and numbers of GREAT sermons, great convictions for this campus - yet the only people i see that really move are the KCCC people. i don't see any other christian group stand up for God in any other way. maybe here and there with not much of a force (because only 1% of every group is ACTUALLY convicted and obeying God's calling). and don't let this be a condemnation on any who read this, or anyone i know. but it's this generation. it's this worldlyness that has gotten to us. it's so... very (i wanted to replace it with a harsher word) sad.

and as i walk around (as an observer), i can just see what non-christians say about christians: how they're hypocrites, wishy-washy, lukewarm, blah blah blah... the list can go on forever, seriously. and i can't even deny or reject that, saying it's false. because what? because it's TRUE. because 65% (or more) of the christians aren't really living for God, but saying that they're christians because they've grown up that way, or to follow the crowd, or because they think it's part of being a good person, etc. that's it. i mean some out there try. i guess. but it seriously runs so dry, it all goes for a few seconds and that same motivation, that same CONVICTION that they once had goes out with a few weeks of the world tearing at them - they get so discouraged, so bought into the world that they're back where they started. then it leads them to doubt their own faith and leaves them worse off than they were before. that's what the devil does. after we get rid of one demon, 7 more come much stronger than the first.

the only way you can do it (do anything) is with God. yet, i feel that i've tried it. i've tried it enough. and get mad at me (i know you will), but i've had enough. i've waited enough. my patience (which i find is actually very short) has run dry. i'm done with this. at least for now. i'll be waiting for God to shake me out of my freakin pitiful self and waiting for Him to strike me down, blow me from the inside out.. i don't care what it is, i just hope He does. and i know He will. i have full faith that someday He will come for His lost child. or do i have it all wrong? is it me that has to make that initial turn around, THEN He will welcome me with His loving arms? whatever it is, i just hope that He will set into motion events, happenings, circumstances that will eventually lead me back to Him.

call me selfish (because i am), but i really feel this is the only way that i'm going to be set straight or shooken into reality. the AWE SOME NESS of God to shake me out of the world. the glory of His being to overwhelm me. i hope i'm shaken into the reality of who He is. because right now i really can't understand or fathom His being. right now, it's nothing to me. strike me down God, i'm sorry, but i don't know what else to do because i'm tired of this charade. i'm tired of this christian life. being condemned for the shortcomings of my religion, because it's all true.

heck, if all (or even just half) of people who call themselves christian were as devoted as muslims or mormons (or whatever) this world would probably changed from the inside out. i know God can move, i just don't see it. i can't witness to it because i haven't witnessed myself the awesomeness. and i don't want to put down on all the experiences that i've had, or what other people have had... but seriously if you had gone through those experiences, how can they not change you? how can they not drive you to do SOMETHING with your life?

i thought i did something, i thought i changed - maybe i did. but the worldlyness(?)... i don't know the word... maybe the INDIFFERENCE of EVERYTHING got to me. apathy i guess.

i don't know... but anyways.

this is really me just venting. if you are convicted by anything i said, i don't know if coming up to me to say something is really going to do something... unless you seriously have something... or if you're moved by God to. don't just do it out of emotion or the spirit of the moment kind of thing. but really, if you can do anything.. i hope you can pray for me. just pray.

from now, i'm just going to do my best to be a "good person."i don't know, maybe i'll keep up with some things.. but i feel that it definitely it wont be out of Love.

*sigh* maybe this is nothing or emotion and i need to just get over myself. we'll see.

Isaiah 6 (ESV)

Isaiah’s Vision of the Lord

In the year that King Uzziah died I saw the Lord sitting upon a throne, high and lifted up; and the train of his robe filled the temple. Above him stood the seraphim. Each had six wings: with two he covered his face, and with two he covered his feet, and with two he flew. And one called to another and said:

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD of hosts; the whole earth is full of his glory!"^"

And the foundations of the thresholds shook at the voice of him who called, and the house was filled with smoke. And I said: "Woe is me! For I am lost; for I am a man of unclean lips, and I dwell in the midst of a people of unclean lips; for my eyes have seen the King, the LORD of hosts!"

Then one of the seraphim flew to me, having in his hand a burning coal that he had taken with tongs from the altar. And he touched my mouth and said: "Behold, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away, and your sin atoned for."

Isaiah’s Commission from the LORD

And I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Then I said, "Here am I! Send me." And he said, "Go, and say to this people:

"'Keep on hearing, but do not understand; keep on seeing, but do not perceive.' Make the heart of this people dull,
and their ears heavy,
and blind their eyes;
lest they see with their eyes,
and hear with their ears,
and understand with their hearts,
and turn and be healed."
Then I said, "How long, O Lord?"And he said:"Until cities lie waste
without inhabitant,
and houses without people,
and the land is a desolate waste,
and the LORD removes people far away,
and the forsaken places are many in the midst of the land.
And though a tenth remain in it,
it will be burned again,
like a terebinth or an oak,
whose stump remains
when it is felled."
The holy seed is its stump.

Woe is me. For I am lost. For I am a man of unclean lips.

indifference is the worst killer.

iLack: eLoquence, patience, skills... and the list goes on.

eloquent - fluently persuasive and articulate; effective in expressing meaning by speech

that's... not me. haha.

when i go around reading other people's posts, it's like.. man.. how do you write like that? you write like an adult! and here i am using my simple words and simple way of writing: just saying it how it is. i'm not exactly complaining or anything, because that would be like me complaining to God for making me the way He did - but i should know that it was for His purpose and His alone. although i do see it as comparing.. and ooh that's an ugly concept to be ruminating on: comparing yourself to others. we all definitely struggle with comparing ourselves to the people around us, or even just the random passerby in our lives who seems to be 100x better than us at a specific skill.

simple encouragement: you're probably 100x better than the other person at something else, and know that it may not always be physically portrayed. one way or another, God gave us gifts and talents to proclaim His glory through us. whether it be teaching, being patient, instrument, arts, basketball, programming, being healthy, caring for others, or just having time for them... it's all gifts that God gave us that are unique to us. granted, we may have same abilities as others, but definitely the portrayal and method in which it is portrayed is different everytime.

... unless we are twins being puppeted to say the exact same things to people in the same situations, but that's not God. and i definitely do believe that THAT is the beauty of God - that He gives us the choice, which makes our salvation and display of talent that much more beautiful. so no matter what - we are special (always in a good way).

you are special. you are beautiful. you are God's creation - made in the likeness of Him, to display His glory through you.

*sigh* women. haha.

if you were to be an animal...

i almost forgot why i posted this, because it's been so long since i thought of the idea to write a post about it. i find myself doing that a lot: write a piece of it down before you forget! now that's exactly what i did for this post... a week ago. haha.

but i kind of remember now.

ever been asked that question: if you were to be an animal, what would you be?

well, it's seriously been second nature for me to answer peregrine falcon, because i want to fly. fast. and now i sit here, seriously considering why i chose that answer--why i want to be a bird(i could be a dragon!)? and why do i want to fly?

i think it has something to do with the idea of being free. to flap your wings and not have anything hold you back from soaring and going/discovering wherever you wish to. then, whenever you decide to-dive down at speeds reaching over 200 mph. How fast! Man, i didn't even realize that's how fast they dove until i just checked now. doing whatever, whenever. not to have the world hold you back, not having worries of so many needless things hold you back. to know that i can be free embrace my own potential without the physical nature of even my own being hold me back.

i do see how this whole message can wrap around a little of what God says to us. that i really don't have to let the worries of the world, people, institutions, and myself hold me back when i'm truly freed by His grace. He sent His son so that i can be free from the bondage of sin, from the hold of the devil. devil can do nothing to take me away from the grace of God. and i believe that it's when i find God's heart for me that i will truly be able to embrace who i am in Him.

so who am i in Him? i guess that's what part of this journey of life means. i just wish that i could be free to find my wings, fly, and dive whenever i wish. embracing the plans more and more of what God has for me and... going through with it. i know that there's something i'm missing, is it that true experience of His grace? is it that encounter with Him?


or is it something else?

or is it just me?

shoutout.

ever done a shoutout to someone for something important that they've done in your life? or just for giving recognition to them, or being thankful for them for being in your life?

well i just want to give a big shoutout to my God. who is so BIG and so sovereign over all things, that i don't have to worry so much about a thing in this world. thanks be to Him for His provisions in my life and for always seeking after me, even though i close myself off or retreat to the world. You are always faithful.

thanks God. :]

Your son,
-ajc