let's face it. i'm miserable.

(disclaimer: this post may be very discouraging or offensive to many people, so if you are sensitive to or don't likenegativity, then i advise you to not read this post)

i don't know where to start.

i've seriously tried it all. from the worldly to the "christianly". lived my life trying to seek the worldly, temporary pleasures - all came to nothing. i lived my life trying to seek God and seek His heart for me, i did my best to let Him take control, i did it all - at least i feel. i mean i know i didn't do it ALL. but i've wasted my self pretty thin. yet, i could just see all the negativity in the christian walk (all the hypocrasy, as well). as i walked around this campus seeing person to person... so much hypocrasy. so little conviction in their hearts to do anything for God. we hear numbers and numbers of GREAT sermons, great convictions for this campus - yet the only people i see that really move are the KCCC people. i don't see any other christian group stand up for God in any other way. maybe here and there with not much of a force (because only 1% of every group is ACTUALLY convicted and obeying God's calling). and don't let this be a condemnation on any who read this, or anyone i know. but it's this generation. it's this worldlyness that has gotten to us. it's so... very (i wanted to replace it with a harsher word) sad.

and as i walk around (as an observer), i can just see what non-christians say about christians: how they're hypocrites, wishy-washy, lukewarm, blah blah blah... the list can go on forever, seriously. and i can't even deny or reject that, saying it's false. because what? because it's TRUE. because 65% (or more) of the christians aren't really living for God, but saying that they're christians because they've grown up that way, or to follow the crowd, or because they think it's part of being a good person, etc. that's it. i mean some out there try. i guess. but it seriously runs so dry, it all goes for a few seconds and that same motivation, that same CONVICTION that they once had goes out with a few weeks of the world tearing at them - they get so discouraged, so bought into the world that they're back where they started. then it leads them to doubt their own faith and leaves them worse off than they were before. that's what the devil does. after we get rid of one demon, 7 more come much stronger than the first.

the only way you can do it (do anything) is with God. yet, i feel that i've tried it. i've tried it enough. and get mad at me (i know you will), but i've had enough. i've waited enough. my patience (which i find is actually very short) has run dry. i'm done with this. at least for now. i'll be waiting for God to shake me out of my freakin pitiful self and waiting for Him to strike me down, blow me from the inside out.. i don't care what it is, i just hope He does. and i know He will. i have full faith that someday He will come for His lost child. or do i have it all wrong? is it me that has to make that initial turn around, THEN He will welcome me with His loving arms? whatever it is, i just hope that He will set into motion events, happenings, circumstances that will eventually lead me back to Him.

call me selfish (because i am), but i really feel this is the only way that i'm going to be set straight or shooken into reality. the AWE SOME NESS of God to shake me out of the world. the glory of His being to overwhelm me. i hope i'm shaken into the reality of who He is. because right now i really can't understand or fathom His being. right now, it's nothing to me. strike me down God, i'm sorry, but i don't know what else to do because i'm tired of this charade. i'm tired of this christian life. being condemned for the shortcomings of my religion, because it's all true.

heck, if all (or even just half) of people who call themselves christian were as devoted as muslims or mormons (or whatever) this world would probably changed from the inside out. i know God can move, i just don't see it. i can't witness to it because i haven't witnessed myself the awesomeness. and i don't want to put down on all the experiences that i've had, or what other people have had... but seriously if you had gone through those experiences, how can they not change you? how can they not drive you to do SOMETHING with your life?

i thought i did something, i thought i changed - maybe i did. but the worldlyness(?)... i don't know the word... maybe the INDIFFERENCE of EVERYTHING got to me. apathy i guess.

i don't know... but anyways.

this is really me just venting. if you are convicted by anything i said, i don't know if coming up to me to say something is really going to do something... unless you seriously have something... or if you're moved by God to. don't just do it out of emotion or the spirit of the moment kind of thing. but really, if you can do anything.. i hope you can pray for me. just pray.

from now, i'm just going to do my best to be a "good person."i don't know, maybe i'll keep up with some things.. but i feel that it definitely it wont be out of Love.

*sigh* maybe this is nothing or emotion and i need to just get over myself. we'll see.