on a side note.

this is korea.

if i think about it, i've only been here for less than 10% of my overall stay though. let's not jump to conclusions!

heya heya~

why?

why must i be like this over the smallest things?

*sigh* is it just my innate instincts? my personality? my sensitivity?

damn. DAMNNN.

-ajc.

korea. thus far.

man, what a freaking 2 weeks it's been.

staying at myung's place at mullae was definitely off the hook. straight up completely empty apartment that looked like it belonged to a typical korean family in a korean drama, cold showers, how i met your mother every night, and ordering delivery. baby. one thing that i'll regret is not having lived there with furniture.

anyways. my first few destinations consisted of myungdong, hongdae, mullae, jeonju, ehwayudae and gochan (shigorl). i personally liked myungdong the most. not because of the shopping mall or the nice buildings, but the girls were prettiest there. imo. haha so shallow i know. but i'm being honest :P. hongdae was.. hongdae. freaking crazy busy with drunkards and party peepo haha. not a bad area to hang out, but sometimes it's just too obnoxious.

jeonju was just a stop on our way to shigorl. but man, it's not a bad area. it's like half developed, but i really liked it because it wasn't too crazy, but it had all the basic stuff that a korean place should have. i think i really liked it because of the jimjilbang. mann don't get me started about that haha. i love jimjilbangs. three words: just be free. hahaha just being naked and not caring... enjoying the good company of your fellow brothers.. what can be better?

gochan was nice forsure. we had hanwoo kalbi. and i must say.. comparing it to any meat in america is... not comparable for sure. it's on a whole different level. the marbling is BETTER than kobe beef, and the tenderness is just off the charts, taste... please. no need to explain. other than that, just staying in a countryside embracing the korean culture more of a lesser modernized place was good. i think it's good to have those once in a while.

ehwayudae.. is THE girls university. haha well... the area around it def has prettty girls.. since the shopping town is more geared for women. the girls in the university itself were either not cool or taken. haha. but it's a really pretty looking university.

i could go on and list more experiences that i had all over the place, but photos will do half the work... and the other half.. is something i'm too lazy to do. haha. all in all. korea has been treating me really well. i'm learning to embrace this new (but inherited) culture of mine.

i realized the culture is to just drink. like it's not even at a point that it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's just part of the culture to do so. like soju and mekju are the prime things. if you go anything outside of that, that's when i would say it'd be something moreeee... not as good. but really to embrace and immerse yourself in this culture is to embrace soju, food, and the night life.

even the adults are out at night just hanging out and talking bout old stories... very chummy. i even see little kids out with their parents 10-11 at night.. haha that's so unheard of in america. but i seriously realize why food is something that my life revolves around. and it's because my entire culture is FOOD. food is the culture of korea. if there were just rice, kimchi, and gogi... then korea would not exist. the pojangmachas, hoddok stands, cafes, pc bangs, bbq's, chicken galore is korea. and at least for me, it's not a sad thing. it's something i love. and i am a foood critic, so when something doesn't taste so good... i won't mention it or at least have a few negative remarks about it. however, i would say 95% of the food in korea was all good. all delicious. better than any korean food in america. i mean i do miss the all you can eat dduk bo ssam in america... but i miss it much less when i have all this other better stuff surrounding me.

one more thing. living at DMC ville is definitely a PRIVILEGE. i'm living at a resort while going to this school and it definitely makes me appreciate living with a roof above my head much more. i just hope i won't take it for granted. everyone is so friendly here haha. well it's kinda given since we're all on the same boat looking to make friends, be nice, and drink merrily. i feel like freshman year of college all over again. haha man. and don't get me started about all of the good friends i've made. just know that they're cool.

thank you korea for being my heritage. for being me.

-ajc

update.

you know, i wanted to post about all the things i did so far since i got to korea, but i'll save that for when i get into my school apartment. so i'll just do like more personal stuff of late.

i kinda realized how dependent i am, wherever i go. when i was back home, i was dependent on friends and family for comfort, when i was in SD i depended on friends for comfort, and while i'm here in Korea i'm dependent on my friends for comfort... and to get around and survive haha. todays like my first day in korea to myself, and since i don't have internet where i currently live, i have to come to pc bangs in the seoul area to blog, game, email, and facebook. i'm i sinchon right now, which is actually a place i haven't checked out, but i thought i might since it's going to be yonsei's college town. everywhere i go though, everythings pretty much the same. just that some buildings look different than others. but basically what everything consists of is cafes, food places, business buildings, telephone stores, food places, general stores, marts, bars, clubs, noraebangs, pc bangs, and more food places. haha. soo much food everywhere. i love it, but it kinda makes me overwhelmed much of the time.

this is my motherland, korea. aside from the repetitive environment, i really like it here. i guess because it's a new experience. a new place to live. things started to get very ritualized while i was in SD and norcal. i guess i need some new spice. and korea is.. very spicy~ hahahaha. no, but seriously. as i look back at how much i've spent here, it's crazy. i guess because i'm here for the first time touring, and because all the little cheap things added all up end up being HELLA money. food is basically like 90% of the money i spent though. haha, well spent.. well spent.

personally, i'm definitely still in a rut. dependent on others for life-giving happiness, not dependent on God (because of my current, skewed distrust), and never being content with myself. i dunno. it's hard for me to just say GOD, YES~! it's not even because i've been jaded or anything, but i think it's more of just being habitualized to feeling this way towards certain things. do i like being here? no.. well, kidna. do i want to be somewhere else? yes, of course! do i want to give up where i am to get there? not really.. meh. it's just stuck.

well i'll try to update later about KOREA. pictures on facebook soon as well.

gg

-ajc

mirror, mirror on the wall...

look in the mirror. what do you see?

do you see just a sheer reflection of you?
do you see the person that you want to be in the future?
do you see the person of the past? with all of the mistakes? or even a person that you wished to be once again?
do you see a person that you want to see?
do you see a picture of you that you hate?
do you see nothing?
do you see the world behind you?
do you see a pimple, a scar, or any disfigured part of your body?
do you see just a plain old person?
do you see a person loved by many?
do you see famous?
do you see perfect?
do you see a son, a daughter, or a creation of God?
do you see a mistake?
do you see the greatest story ever told?
do you see a smile?
or do you see Christ-like?

what do you see?

today, as i was running errands with my wonderful mother, uncle, and aunt, i ruminated over this idea of "what do you see in the mirror?" like what would others that i knew see in the mirror when they, from time to from, looked at it. but i never stopped once to think, what do i (me) see in the mirror?

the answer isn't son. the answer isn't Christ-like. the answer isn't perfect, and it's not nothing either. what i see is all of the mistakes and imperfections on my body. yes, it is one of the purposes of the mirror to show you what's on you and what has changed on your physical body; however, i think maybe i've taken it into a new proportion. not only do i see the imperfect me. but i see all of the mistakes i've made in the past, why i am the way i am today. sometimes i see a smile, a grin, a wretched figure, a clean person, but most of the time i see the imperfections, both physically and intangibly.

yes, you should not focus on the imperfections that you have, but about the grace that takes an imperfect you to be one with God. but i just simply don't think that way.

have heart! you are loved by God.

stop breaking God's heart.

blah.

-ajc

bloop.

dysthymia

i think i might be mildly depressed.

i say this because i want to be honest with myself, and to this blog with whoever's reading this. i also say this because i feel either so disappointed, apathetic, or sad all the time. whether it's one emotion or the other... it's like 90% one of those three.

i try to find joy, peace, happiness, love in all the wrong places. or what i think those things are to me. i don't really know if i can even define a personal joy, peace, or love. maybe happiness. because i experienced minor spurts of it here and there, usually when i was with family or other friends. people definitely bring me some sort of happiness. maybe there's a little joy, peace, and love with them... but i don't know, how can you define something that's just a feeling? it just.. feels that way. not very quantifiable. well there's... really happy or really sad.. but nvm. anyways.

i also find that us people are very relationship oriented. we need others to thrive. for example: me. i very well need others to find a sense of belonging and purpose. without other people i probably would've suicided (forgive me for being crude) a long time ago without people. i do believe we were made for that sheer reason. not to feel lonely... not to be so "self." as the Bible says, we need others to sharpen ourselves. without others, and having to show love to others which is tangible, we would never be able to love a God that isn't tangible.

back to the minor depression. or "dysthymia" as psychologists would call it. i don't know. i really just don't feel very happy.. much of the time. it probably has a lot to do with my rebellious state, but it definitely is affecting me in every personal interaction i confront. i see myself getting so much more negative more of the time. like i look back on what i did and i think... wow that really wasn't like me. wth?

i'm desperately searching for this joy, peace, happiness, love. it's probably all pointing me back to God, yet i reject the idea and desire to stay in this hellish state longer.

oh, what a fool.

-ajc

better is one day.

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul longs
And even faints
For You
...
Better is one day in Your courts(house)
Than thousands elsewhere
...
One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells
...
My heart and flesh cry out
To You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You

how beautiful do these lyrics sound to the ear.
i was just listening to the starfield version of this during my drive from socal to norcal and i was just reminded of the epic moments that i experienced when singing this song, specifically.

how much do we mean these words when we sing (or have sung) them. it's so easy to just sing it out of memorization or experience the emotions through a good band playing in a way that is intended to pull at your heart strings. how can you really mean it to God when you sing a song such as this?

i think one really good way was to just meditate on the words as the band was singing it.

anyways, as i look back to these words that i sung many a time, i realize how deep this lyrics are. to be in the presence of God is better than any other place that this world can offer. that is why the writer (David) of this song is so longing to be back in the Lord's presence... to feel, to experience God in the same intensity as he once did when he was in the sheer presence of the Lord. His heart and flesh cries out for God to fill him once again because he knows of the grace that he once experienced. How awesome is that? the writer is purely and lovingly seeking after God. to be in the place he once was before.

man, to be in the place i once was before.

-ajc

halsooeetdah.

you can do it. you can. you just need to believe.

it's interesting to see someone who has absolutely no hope in what they're about to do, when they surely can do it with the skills allotted and developed over time. i mean, why else would they be in that place at that time?

this is pretty ironic for me to say especially since i was the one who didn't believe when the time of true test arrived. in fact, i fell. hard. couldn't believe in a single thing that i had grown up developing and experiencing. it's as if all of those experiences were all for zilch.

anyways, going back to my first point. i just want to tell these people that you can. because there is a reason for you to be there. and if it REALLY wasn't meant to be, then you will fail.. but learn from it, right? so in the end, it really was meant to be. because you learned something. and it doesn't hurt to at least give a try when the opportunity arises.

on a side note, i'm going to korea in a little more than a week. it feels so crazy and shocking because just a few months ago i was hurriedly getting through all the logistics and doing the forms for it (like application forms for dorms and yonsei, scholarship, financial aid, etc, etc). it's just so weird to ACTUALLY be here, for the thing i've been preparing for this whole past 6 months or so. it's here. and i'm actually finally going to the motherland after only having been there for a day layover on my longest stay there. so this is the copportunity to sieze.

korea will be fun. i'm sure.

i have a weird feeling that something crazy is going to happen, and that i'm going to have to learn big time. i don't know what it is, but i feel it in my fingers... i feel it in my toes.

-ajc

movies.

i've been watching a lot of movies in the past few days - probably a lot more than i've watched in the past year or so. i guess i kinda got cheap in watching these movies, eh? haha!

it's actually really sad now that i think about it. what have i been doing these past days?

cooking! a lot! man. dakdolitang, yangyum chicken, curry of course, curry duenjang jigae, dalk jjo reem, and my own custom creations of course.

anyways, the ugly truth was a decent movie, if you take it completely objectively and not critically. haha it's got a lot of simple humor and simple themes. funny people was... funny.. and sad. kinda like click, but with different humor, which i didn't exactly agree with all the time. but hey, who's complaining? haha. i would say the top notch movie for this summer was 500 days of summer. very well made, with a very good soundtrack, might i add. there was something about it that i clicked with.. maybe it was the "indie"-esque feel to it. anyways, YES man was also good. simply, good.

with all these movies that i've been watching, it's been giving me a lot of hope. i don't know why, but, movies are mostly made to be optimistic - except for those twisted movies... bleh. anyways, they just give me a better outlook on life? like maybe in the end of things, it will get better? heck, i know it's supposed to. but i think they gave me a real tangible example that i can relate to. thank you media (for once)! haha.

oooh, one really strong impact on me was freaking shining inheritance. haha that drama kept me addicted for so long. even though i didn't even watch episode 3-9, i think watching 20 of all the other episodes of the series was good enough. but man it was definitely a good story with the typical korean drama feel/teases. however, the overall character development was not as i expected. maybe i haven't watched enough korean dramas to think this was a complete typical korean drama, but i thought it was definitely different. and i liked it. freaking i wanted pak jun se to get go eun sung. too bad it couldn't be a typical fairytale ending. anyways, he's my new favorite! haha it was kwon sang woo before, but he is now the new "cool guy."

man. i was looking around for pictures of bae soo bin, but he definitely does not have that suave musheeneun namja vibe. maybe i should give up on him? haha. man, anyways.

where i stand with everything - to be honest, is just an attitude of carpe diem. sieze the time that you have of living, sieze the moments that you have with people, sieze the oppourtunities that present themselves, just sieze. and don't look back? i dont know. we'll see.

and that's that.

-ajc

rest.

i think i just need to retreat to a place to just rest, figure things out, and find some perspective. or maybe i need to do the opposite.