i think i might be mildly depressed.
i say this because i want to be honest with myself, and to this blog with whoever's reading this. i also say this because i feel either so disappointed, apathetic, or sad all the time. whether it's one emotion or the other... it's like 90% one of those three.
i try to find joy, peace, happiness, love in all the wrong places. or what i think those things are to me. i don't really know if i can even define a personal joy, peace, or love. maybe happiness. because i experienced minor spurts of it here and there, usually when i was with family or other friends. people definitely bring me some sort of happiness. maybe there's a little joy, peace, and love with them... but i don't know, how can you define something that's just a feeling? it just.. feels that way. not very quantifiable. well there's... really happy or really sad.. but nvm. anyways.
i also find that us people are very relationship oriented. we need others to thrive. for example: me. i very well need others to find a sense of belonging and purpose. without other people i probably would've suicided (forgive me for being crude) a long time ago without people. i do believe we were made for that sheer reason. not to feel lonely... not to be so "self." as the Bible says, we need others to sharpen ourselves. without others, and having to show love to others which is tangible, we would never be able to love a God that isn't tangible.
back to the minor depression. or "dysthymia" as psychologists would call it. i don't know. i really just don't feel very happy.. much of the time. it probably has a lot to do with my rebellious state, but it definitely is affecting me in every personal interaction i confront. i see myself getting so much more negative more of the time. like i look back on what i did and i think... wow that really wasn't like me. wth?
i'm desperately searching for this joy, peace, happiness, love. it's probably all pointing me back to God, yet i reject the idea and desire to stay in this hellish state longer.
oh, what a fool.
-ajc
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It seems to me that you hit the nail on the head. You know that God is the only answer. He is the only constant. He is the only one that can give you pure and true joy. I struggle with that- looking for the comfort, love, joy, and acceptance from others. I'm starting to really get that the only "person" I can really get that from is God. He is the only one that will be able to give me that and will not fail me- ever. I think you're learning that too.
ReplyDeleteOh how sinful we are to know and yet still choose to sin against our Savior and foolishly try so hard to grasp something that we KNOW is not even there.
By the way, I'm sure you already know this, but I've been seeing a great connection between my lack of reading and praying with how much I struggle. The more I read/pray the less I struggle and it goes the other way too- the less I read/pray the more I struggle. I'll be praying for you buddy. Keep your head up and stay faithful to Him. Read and pray as much as you can. Fellowship with our Savior!
try take a walk outside or go on a short trip, physically/literally go out more and you'll discover amazing things (within or outside of the ordinary/mundane) and you'll discover joy!
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