dysthymia

i think i might be mildly depressed.

i say this because i want to be honest with myself, and to this blog with whoever's reading this. i also say this because i feel either so disappointed, apathetic, or sad all the time. whether it's one emotion or the other... it's like 90% one of those three.

i try to find joy, peace, happiness, love in all the wrong places. or what i think those things are to me. i don't really know if i can even define a personal joy, peace, or love. maybe happiness. because i experienced minor spurts of it here and there, usually when i was with family or other friends. people definitely bring me some sort of happiness. maybe there's a little joy, peace, and love with them... but i don't know, how can you define something that's just a feeling? it just.. feels that way. not very quantifiable. well there's... really happy or really sad.. but nvm. anyways.

i also find that us people are very relationship oriented. we need others to thrive. for example: me. i very well need others to find a sense of belonging and purpose. without other people i probably would've suicided (forgive me for being crude) a long time ago without people. i do believe we were made for that sheer reason. not to feel lonely... not to be so "self." as the Bible says, we need others to sharpen ourselves. without others, and having to show love to others which is tangible, we would never be able to love a God that isn't tangible.

back to the minor depression. or "dysthymia" as psychologists would call it. i don't know. i really just don't feel very happy.. much of the time. it probably has a lot to do with my rebellious state, but it definitely is affecting me in every personal interaction i confront. i see myself getting so much more negative more of the time. like i look back on what i did and i think... wow that really wasn't like me. wth?

i'm desperately searching for this joy, peace, happiness, love. it's probably all pointing me back to God, yet i reject the idea and desire to stay in this hellish state longer.

oh, what a fool.

-ajc

better is one day.

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul longs
And even faints
For You
...
Better is one day in Your courts(house)
Than thousands elsewhere
...
One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells
...
My heart and flesh cry out
To You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You

how beautiful do these lyrics sound to the ear.
i was just listening to the starfield version of this during my drive from socal to norcal and i was just reminded of the epic moments that i experienced when singing this song, specifically.

how much do we mean these words when we sing (or have sung) them. it's so easy to just sing it out of memorization or experience the emotions through a good band playing in a way that is intended to pull at your heart strings. how can you really mean it to God when you sing a song such as this?

i think one really good way was to just meditate on the words as the band was singing it.

anyways, as i look back to these words that i sung many a time, i realize how deep this lyrics are. to be in the presence of God is better than any other place that this world can offer. that is why the writer (David) of this song is so longing to be back in the Lord's presence... to feel, to experience God in the same intensity as he once did when he was in the sheer presence of the Lord. His heart and flesh cries out for God to fill him once again because he knows of the grace that he once experienced. How awesome is that? the writer is purely and lovingly seeking after God. to be in the place he once was before.

man, to be in the place i once was before.

-ajc

halsooeetdah.

you can do it. you can. you just need to believe.

it's interesting to see someone who has absolutely no hope in what they're about to do, when they surely can do it with the skills allotted and developed over time. i mean, why else would they be in that place at that time?

this is pretty ironic for me to say especially since i was the one who didn't believe when the time of true test arrived. in fact, i fell. hard. couldn't believe in a single thing that i had grown up developing and experiencing. it's as if all of those experiences were all for zilch.

anyways, going back to my first point. i just want to tell these people that you can. because there is a reason for you to be there. and if it REALLY wasn't meant to be, then you will fail.. but learn from it, right? so in the end, it really was meant to be. because you learned something. and it doesn't hurt to at least give a try when the opportunity arises.

on a side note, i'm going to korea in a little more than a week. it feels so crazy and shocking because just a few months ago i was hurriedly getting through all the logistics and doing the forms for it (like application forms for dorms and yonsei, scholarship, financial aid, etc, etc). it's just so weird to ACTUALLY be here, for the thing i've been preparing for this whole past 6 months or so. it's here. and i'm actually finally going to the motherland after only having been there for a day layover on my longest stay there. so this is the copportunity to sieze.

korea will be fun. i'm sure.

i have a weird feeling that something crazy is going to happen, and that i'm going to have to learn big time. i don't know what it is, but i feel it in my fingers... i feel it in my toes.

-ajc

movies.

i've been watching a lot of movies in the past few days - probably a lot more than i've watched in the past year or so. i guess i kinda got cheap in watching these movies, eh? haha!

it's actually really sad now that i think about it. what have i been doing these past days?

cooking! a lot! man. dakdolitang, yangyum chicken, curry of course, curry duenjang jigae, dalk jjo reem, and my own custom creations of course.

anyways, the ugly truth was a decent movie, if you take it completely objectively and not critically. haha it's got a lot of simple humor and simple themes. funny people was... funny.. and sad. kinda like click, but with different humor, which i didn't exactly agree with all the time. but hey, who's complaining? haha. i would say the top notch movie for this summer was 500 days of summer. very well made, with a very good soundtrack, might i add. there was something about it that i clicked with.. maybe it was the "indie"-esque feel to it. anyways, YES man was also good. simply, good.

with all these movies that i've been watching, it's been giving me a lot of hope. i don't know why, but, movies are mostly made to be optimistic - except for those twisted movies... bleh. anyways, they just give me a better outlook on life? like maybe in the end of things, it will get better? heck, i know it's supposed to. but i think they gave me a real tangible example that i can relate to. thank you media (for once)! haha.

oooh, one really strong impact on me was freaking shining inheritance. haha that drama kept me addicted for so long. even though i didn't even watch episode 3-9, i think watching 20 of all the other episodes of the series was good enough. but man it was definitely a good story with the typical korean drama feel/teases. however, the overall character development was not as i expected. maybe i haven't watched enough korean dramas to think this was a complete typical korean drama, but i thought it was definitely different. and i liked it. freaking i wanted pak jun se to get go eun sung. too bad it couldn't be a typical fairytale ending. anyways, he's my new favorite! haha it was kwon sang woo before, but he is now the new "cool guy."

man. i was looking around for pictures of bae soo bin, but he definitely does not have that suave musheeneun namja vibe. maybe i should give up on him? haha. man, anyways.

where i stand with everything - to be honest, is just an attitude of carpe diem. sieze the time that you have of living, sieze the moments that you have with people, sieze the oppourtunities that present themselves, just sieze. and don't look back? i dont know. we'll see.

and that's that.

-ajc

rest.

i think i just need to retreat to a place to just rest, figure things out, and find some perspective. or maybe i need to do the opposite.