what happened to your love?

it's weird.

i feel like i've been drained of all the love that existed within me. i feel like all i am is a completely selfish being with 2 arms and 2 legs, walking around, being... fishy.. but with some sel..f in there. man how dorky was that.. haha.

but yes, i've been robbed of the love. or, i've robbed myself of that love and i'm looking to the Lord no longer to be filled with that love. may He just remind me that it isn't about me. may i be continually reminded that i live because He loves me. and yes, John 3:16. for HE so loved us. sinners. undeserving.

but being so filled by His love, we should have an overflow of that love.. allow it to be poured out from yourself to others, be used by God for God.

i think that i'm hogging the love to myself... so much so that i've blinded myself to the true love that exists within me. that same love is to be shared with the rest of the world. how am i sitting here with all my toys, unable to share the blessings, unable to share the resources, unable to share what rightfully isn't mine in the first place. i don't deserve any of this in the first place, but i act like it's all mine and all deserved by me.

reality check.

it feels almost as if everything i do is a chore. but i try so hard to not make it so. and i think that is the problem. that I try. when it should be me, letting go and letting God. relinquish the control. let Him take over. i'm not far from the answer, i think. yet it's about the application. now that's where it starts.

God, i don't want it to be out of my efforts that anything gets done. in fact, may everything that i try to do on my own will go unsuccessfully. humble me and allow me to realize, IN REALITY, that it's not up to me to get anything done or for that matter, do anything. it's all to You God. may You take the reigns of my heart. may You guide me in the way that glorifies You. may You take me to a place that i don't understand. may You strike me to fall at Your feet, surrendered and broken. Lord, i ask that You would involve me to be a part of Your will on this earth, that i may get a glimpse of what it will be when Your Kingdom is on this earth - that THAT glimpse would be Your Kingdom reigning in my heart.

Lord reign in me. Reign.

Amen.

i don't even think i know what i'm praying, but i'm hoping that gosh-darnit it comes true.

and the irony of it all was that i just came from a jon foreman concert. and that man is solid. i really hope that his heart is still in the right place as he was when he was inspired by God to write those songs. i shook his hand.

sing a song.

i sing the song of the broken-hearted. i sing to You, the One who has created all. the one who embellishes me with love. a love that is never-ending. i try to understand, i try to feel. yet, what keeps me from hearing. is it because it is but a whisper in my ear? is it because it is stumped by all of my fleshly desires? i am broken-hearted after all. broken-hearted by the ways of the world in which i dwell. the world in which my flesh longs for. but You, You are the One that my soul desires. You are the One that will never fail.

i know this in my head, but what keeps it from the heart? i know that i want it, but why can't i start? why can't i start living desperately for the One who has created me? why can't i die to this sin-filled flesh and live for such a righteous Savior?

why?

my heart seeks in Your Word. yes, it does. but my flesh twists and obscures Your love to not feel it so tangibly. so real Your love is to me; yet, so real it is not. just strike me down. strike me so that i will not sin anymore. strike me down so that i will not reject you anymore. for this soul longs so strongly for you, yet the flesh keeps me from You. strike me down so that nothing will hold me back anymore.

please.

i want to taste, i wish to see. i wish to feel and experience Your goodness that You have prepared for me. for i know Your love is for the those who seek You. i know Your love is for those who know you. how great thou art i sing, how great thou art. yet my life does not reflect how in awe i truly am of You. or am i even in awe of You in the first place?

questions.

whenever i'm down, i doubt. i question my faith. i question the kindness of a Savior. the One who died for me so that i may live. how can i? how dare i? because You loved me so, You gave me choice. that after all of the experience, that You had full confidence that i would eventually come back to you, full-fledged. yet, i stand stuck. stuck to this ugly and sinful world. the worries of the world strangle my soul and keep it down. i feel as though it is toxic waste filling my lungs, literally. yet, i know You're there

still.

You're still there, waiting. waiting to embrace me with You're loving arms. through the blood of Your son, i run through the refreshing water of life. this water fills my soul, it allows me to never thirst again. it cleanses me from the inside out and i can now see again.

but

i look back to see the water that i just ran through to be so tainted. what was once so pure and desirable is now dirty because of my sin. why did this have to happen? why in this manner? why couldn't it just have been through the magic of Your hand? yet i turn back to You and see Your smile, Your arms of loving embrace ready to envelope me. i look

and want.

but then i turn back again to see the water get so disgusting.

this is where i am.

i know You're there right in front of me, yet the price of my sin haunts me. it keeps me from fully being wrapped in Your grace. and i get pulled back into the world. it sucks me and ravages me all over again. You call for my name and from a shout, it becomes but a whisper. a faint whisper that i can barely hear. is that just me? i ask. is it just my mind playing tricks on me?

and then i just go about my daily business in the world. all over again.

so close.
yet so far.

i hardly know what's going on.

although there is disarray...

one thing that spoke strongly to me was:
don't be convicted of the heinousness of your sins,
but be convicted of the graciousness of God. He forgave every heinous sin.

under construction

i probably won't be on this for a bit.

mylifeisundergoingaconstructionproject.

there's much more to this, how much do you want it?

-ajc

Life is so fleeting.

I don't even know how to explain this. Well, I do. But it's just an opinion... anyways, here goes.

Life is but a blink of an eye compared to the eternity we're going to spend in Heaven.

Ever heard that before? or something like it? Do you agree with it? I do agree with it. I really do.

Now if you say that you agree with it, do you get how it's SO relevant to your life? If you look at Ecclesiastes, that book is literally littered (well, not literally.. you know what I mean) with so much about how our time here on earth is so short, so meaningless. If you really think about it, it kinda is meaningless. The pain we have in our finger, the stress that we have from one upcoming test, or even family issues. I mean yes, they matter to a certain extent, but how much does it really mean with respect to the HIGHER purposes (by higher, i mean God's). And think about, even, how long we spend thinking or stressing about them when really, our time on earth is so short. Why bother worrying so much about how well you're going to do on that test or how good you're going to look when you're giving a presentation? It's just a fragment of life. It may have it's consequences that may affect you later in life, but really how much is it worth ruminating over when the SALVATION of the people around you are in danger territory? How selfish are we humans, stressing about our successes or how much our career matters to us.

Why not stress about the family relative you have that is unsaved? What about uncle Ted, or auntie Jenny? There's HUNDREDS, THOUSANDS, so many things more to worry about than these miniscule things. Yes, we should care about shining the light and showing the world that Christians can be successful and not all bums. But really, we should know that it's really all in God's control and if He wills it for us to be successful, then our job is to do our best in His name and He will do the rest.

I realized that Satan really gets to me when I start thinking about myself and my own needs. How my needs matter so much, and blah. But really, if I am assured in my salvation, then I will be assured that God will take care of me. And if I get hurt, then ULTIMATELY it's for my good. Or.. I mean, it may not seem like it's good to me, but in His eyes (which is the only eyes that matter), it's for my good. Anyways, yeah. Basically when I'm selfish = sin.

I really kind of want to give a specific chapter/verse/passage in Ecclesiastes to encourage with, but really just read it all. If you've already read it, read it again. Such a rebuking, eye-opening, come-to-a-realization kind of book. But when you read it, be open and be ready for anything. It can catch you off guard sometimes.

Anyway, I've really been coming to a realization that yeah I'm a sinner, and I still sin because I'm so human. But after that, I can't let it get to me to discourage me. That's just satan. Just gotta be done with it, turn and repent. Step forward and lift it up to God.

Step forward and pray.

Pray. Now THAT'S a kingdom topic. Hoo hoo. How we don't EVER pray enough. How we don't EVER have enough of a burden and a love for one another. How we don't EVER seek to reach outside that comfortable we call self-centerdness. Now I can go on about this, but basically pray. That's the lesson I feel that I've been learning. I mean not to pray because I feel bad. Well kind of.. But to pray out of a genuine heart, seeking God. Pray for others. Pray on behalf of those in your life that are unsaved. Pray for those who struggle so much in their faith over simple worldly things. Pray for our own sinful heart to be made anew, refreshed, untainted. Pray, pray, pray.

I can really go on and on about this, but basically what I'm trying to say is stop this Mememe thing, and make it a God God God thing. Or just think about it as JOY (Jesus, Others, You). Let's take a big picture view of things, more on how God sees it rather than how we see it through our small, tainted eyes. I don't say these things because I'm perfect either. Seriously, if anyone needs work, it's me. NO JOKE KIDS. I seriously have so much ish, but I really am just trying to not let it get to me, but see it through God's eyes as well. It's hard, but something we all need to hear.

-ajc

let's be real.

i'm not a writer. i'm not a do-er. i'm not a speaker. i'm not... i'm not a lot of things.

and i don't want to be a liar, so let's do our best to be real with each other, yeah?

fact: i am currently struggling in my faith and in my intimacy with God.
when i find myself struggling, i cut off a lot of "work-based" things in my life.

i want to keep this simple.

anyways, here goes:

so i've been very all over the place this quarter, man already what a quarter. been through, gone through, done a lot. i find that i've compromised my faith a lot. i find that it's just SO easy to fall. it's so easy to just *phbt* and forget it and COMPROMISEEEE.

now, if you look at it physically --> it really doesn't do TOO much to your relationship. BUT the cost is great because of the compromise, you start to think about it: you start to think you're not good enough, you start to think that no christian should ever do that, you start to really hate yourself/your sin, you start to ruminate. that really pulls you away, because it starts to really become about ME, ME, ME. and MEMEME = zero God.

Yes, God was there. He was watching me.

He eventually led me to be rebuked. Caused me to sit in my sin, realize how much i needed Him (humblinggggg), and rekindle that flame with Him. I know that I'm forgiven, and I also know that i should never take advantage of Him. Know my values as a follower of Christ, and not to compromise them.

Man. how human. how human i am. How Godly is He? HE IS GOD!!!

God, if there's one thing i want to ask, it's really to be broken. Now if I need to be taken through a crazy path, then so be it. But I know forsure I'm not 100% broken. and that one stubborn part of me is causing me to be 50% broken. or whatever the %.

Just as the quote says, " IF He is not the Lord of all, He is not the Lord at all." Amen.

Lord, break every part of me. Every aspect of my life. I don't know how long it will take, but may I submit to whatever it takes. If it requires losing people, so be it. If it requires everything.

everything.

If it requires everything, then may you help me to let it all go. And so be it. Holy Spirit guide me.

Lord break me.

Break this fleshly, weak soul.

*edit*

i just heard a message "Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness" by Erwin McManus. it was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.

one thing:
God doesn't judge you based on who you are now, because you are now is something that always needs to be worked on. God doesn't judge you based on your past.

God judges your heart and judges where your desires are. He judges the "who" you want to be in the future. Not the who you are.

I think that's one big thing I struggled with these past few days. I let myself get beat up about "oh you're not enough" or "oh you're so dirty, you call yourself Christian?" and let people's judgments/eyes about/on me really get to me. but really, I did get beat up about this and now it's the one thing I desire, which is to be like-Christ.

reconsideration.

it's going to take some time.

i feel kind of lost, but kind of not.
i know He's enough, but what am i doing?
nothing.

there's more, and i'm not going to settle for less.