let's be real.

i'm not a writer. i'm not a do-er. i'm not a speaker. i'm not... i'm not a lot of things.

and i don't want to be a liar, so let's do our best to be real with each other, yeah?

fact: i am currently struggling in my faith and in my intimacy with God.
when i find myself struggling, i cut off a lot of "work-based" things in my life.

i want to keep this simple.

anyways, here goes:

so i've been very all over the place this quarter, man already what a quarter. been through, gone through, done a lot. i find that i've compromised my faith a lot. i find that it's just SO easy to fall. it's so easy to just *phbt* and forget it and COMPROMISEEEE.

now, if you look at it physically --> it really doesn't do TOO much to your relationship. BUT the cost is great because of the compromise, you start to think about it: you start to think you're not good enough, you start to think that no christian should ever do that, you start to really hate yourself/your sin, you start to ruminate. that really pulls you away, because it starts to really become about ME, ME, ME. and MEMEME = zero God.

Yes, God was there. He was watching me.

He eventually led me to be rebuked. Caused me to sit in my sin, realize how much i needed Him (humblinggggg), and rekindle that flame with Him. I know that I'm forgiven, and I also know that i should never take advantage of Him. Know my values as a follower of Christ, and not to compromise them.

Man. how human. how human i am. How Godly is He? HE IS GOD!!!

God, if there's one thing i want to ask, it's really to be broken. Now if I need to be taken through a crazy path, then so be it. But I know forsure I'm not 100% broken. and that one stubborn part of me is causing me to be 50% broken. or whatever the %.

Just as the quote says, " IF He is not the Lord of all, He is not the Lord at all." Amen.

Lord, break every part of me. Every aspect of my life. I don't know how long it will take, but may I submit to whatever it takes. If it requires losing people, so be it. If it requires everything.

everything.

If it requires everything, then may you help me to let it all go. And so be it. Holy Spirit guide me.

Lord break me.

Break this fleshly, weak soul.

*edit*

i just heard a message "Blessed are those who thirst for righteousness" by Erwin McManus. it was pretty much exactly what I needed to hear.

one thing:
God doesn't judge you based on who you are now, because you are now is something that always needs to be worked on. God doesn't judge you based on your past.

God judges your heart and judges where your desires are. He judges the "who" you want to be in the future. Not the who you are.

I think that's one big thing I struggled with these past few days. I let myself get beat up about "oh you're not enough" or "oh you're so dirty, you call yourself Christian?" and let people's judgments/eyes about/on me really get to me. but really, I did get beat up about this and now it's the one thing I desire, which is to be like-Christ.