sing a song.

i sing the song of the broken-hearted. i sing to You, the One who has created all. the one who embellishes me with love. a love that is never-ending. i try to understand, i try to feel. yet, what keeps me from hearing. is it because it is but a whisper in my ear? is it because it is stumped by all of my fleshly desires? i am broken-hearted after all. broken-hearted by the ways of the world in which i dwell. the world in which my flesh longs for. but You, You are the One that my soul desires. You are the One that will never fail.

i know this in my head, but what keeps it from the heart? i know that i want it, but why can't i start? why can't i start living desperately for the One who has created me? why can't i die to this sin-filled flesh and live for such a righteous Savior?

why?

my heart seeks in Your Word. yes, it does. but my flesh twists and obscures Your love to not feel it so tangibly. so real Your love is to me; yet, so real it is not. just strike me down. strike me so that i will not sin anymore. strike me down so that i will not reject you anymore. for this soul longs so strongly for you, yet the flesh keeps me from You. strike me down so that nothing will hold me back anymore.

please.

i want to taste, i wish to see. i wish to feel and experience Your goodness that You have prepared for me. for i know Your love is for the those who seek You. i know Your love is for those who know you. how great thou art i sing, how great thou art. yet my life does not reflect how in awe i truly am of You. or am i even in awe of You in the first place?

questions.

whenever i'm down, i doubt. i question my faith. i question the kindness of a Savior. the One who died for me so that i may live. how can i? how dare i? because You loved me so, You gave me choice. that after all of the experience, that You had full confidence that i would eventually come back to you, full-fledged. yet, i stand stuck. stuck to this ugly and sinful world. the worries of the world strangle my soul and keep it down. i feel as though it is toxic waste filling my lungs, literally. yet, i know You're there

still.

You're still there, waiting. waiting to embrace me with You're loving arms. through the blood of Your son, i run through the refreshing water of life. this water fills my soul, it allows me to never thirst again. it cleanses me from the inside out and i can now see again.

but

i look back to see the water that i just ran through to be so tainted. what was once so pure and desirable is now dirty because of my sin. why did this have to happen? why in this manner? why couldn't it just have been through the magic of Your hand? yet i turn back to You and see Your smile, Your arms of loving embrace ready to envelope me. i look

and want.

but then i turn back again to see the water get so disgusting.

this is where i am.

i know You're there right in front of me, yet the price of my sin haunts me. it keeps me from fully being wrapped in Your grace. and i get pulled back into the world. it sucks me and ravages me all over again. You call for my name and from a shout, it becomes but a whisper. a faint whisper that i can barely hear. is that just me? i ask. is it just my mind playing tricks on me?

and then i just go about my daily business in the world. all over again.

so close.
yet so far.