what happened to your love?

it's weird.

i feel like i've been drained of all the love that existed within me. i feel like all i am is a completely selfish being with 2 arms and 2 legs, walking around, being... fishy.. but with some sel..f in there. man how dorky was that.. haha.

but yes, i've been robbed of the love. or, i've robbed myself of that love and i'm looking to the Lord no longer to be filled with that love. may He just remind me that it isn't about me. may i be continually reminded that i live because He loves me. and yes, John 3:16. for HE so loved us. sinners. undeserving.

but being so filled by His love, we should have an overflow of that love.. allow it to be poured out from yourself to others, be used by God for God.

i think that i'm hogging the love to myself... so much so that i've blinded myself to the true love that exists within me. that same love is to be shared with the rest of the world. how am i sitting here with all my toys, unable to share the blessings, unable to share the resources, unable to share what rightfully isn't mine in the first place. i don't deserve any of this in the first place, but i act like it's all mine and all deserved by me.

reality check.

it feels almost as if everything i do is a chore. but i try so hard to not make it so. and i think that is the problem. that I try. when it should be me, letting go and letting God. relinquish the control. let Him take over. i'm not far from the answer, i think. yet it's about the application. now that's where it starts.

God, i don't want it to be out of my efforts that anything gets done. in fact, may everything that i try to do on my own will go unsuccessfully. humble me and allow me to realize, IN REALITY, that it's not up to me to get anything done or for that matter, do anything. it's all to You God. may You take the reigns of my heart. may You guide me in the way that glorifies You. may You take me to a place that i don't understand. may You strike me to fall at Your feet, surrendered and broken. Lord, i ask that You would involve me to be a part of Your will on this earth, that i may get a glimpse of what it will be when Your Kingdom is on this earth - that THAT glimpse would be Your Kingdom reigning in my heart.

Lord reign in me. Reign.

Amen.

i don't even think i know what i'm praying, but i'm hoping that gosh-darnit it comes true.

and the irony of it all was that i just came from a jon foreman concert. and that man is solid. i really hope that his heart is still in the right place as he was when he was inspired by God to write those songs. i shook his hand.