shining boy little randy

for a second i was thinking of how "miserable" i am..
but then quickly, a reminder came to me: you asked for this.

true. i did ask for this. i put myself here and that's that.
no one's to blame, but me.
ha. hah. here i am wallowing in my self-pity, probably one of my lowest of lows.

and i feel so empty.
i know i'm empty, and i know what i'm without.

it's just my self-centeredness that keeps me from going back.
haha, it's so funny. i know what i need to do. but i really don't want to.
i'd rather stay here, unfulfilled, empty, alone, sad, miserable, angry, frustrated, self-loathing than to go back to the righteous life with everything that's opposite (mostly) from the nasty life.

story of my life, it really is. always chasing after things that i shouldn't be. living for myself and not for the things i know i should be. i mean i used to be a little better with it in the past, but now it's horrible. utterly.

if there was one thing i could ask for. it would be that one spark, that one push to get me back. to show me that You care. that You always wanted me back from the beginning. i mean, i know You always did. but i don't know know. you know what i mean?

i need to see it. i need to experience it. i need it to be personal.

is that too much to ask? maybe.
but i guess i'll find out.

hmm

i kinda really wanted to write in this today, but i'm tired and have to wake up early tomorrow. it'll have to wait.

(blank)

as i sit here waiting for my car to get fixed, after many... many.. complications. i contemplate on life and realize i'm just wallowing in my self-pity.

i realize that if someone were non-christian, all these ups and downs would all be for naught. for nothing. the ups are good, yes, but without purpose. and when you get on your lows... boy can they get low, and it's not only that but the fact that you feel so depressed for what purpose? just to get through to the next day and hope that it will be better then today?

i just know that if i were just sitting here, without purpose and without anything to look forward to for the rest of my life.. i would become so apathetic and not want to go on with life.

and now i'm starting to really see what life without God is. what life is while the choices i make are in contradiction to a life that should be living for God. maybe this whole phahse is for me to realize how much i really need Him? that life is just so... bleh and meh.. without knowing your Creator on a deeper level.

when you determine your own destiny, you can only get so far with what the world provides you and.. well by your own strength, you're pretty weak. but with the strength of God, you can literally do anything. because whenever you run out of natural strength, you have the supernatural strength that never ends. never fails.

God i know you're calling me back, pulling me back, and wishing for me back into your arms. but it's almost like i just don't want to take responsibility, and i just want to reject everything and live for myself. it's seriously a spiritual warfare within myself and i've literally experienced all (well not ALL) forms of spiritual "well-being." now that probably doesn't make sense considering if i really was "one after God" then i would never go as far negative as i have gone. but then again, worries of the world and satan's unending temptation and fight to pull me away might've just been enough to tip me over the edge. but if i can even make a list on where i've gone, it would probably go something like: on fire, passionate, stagnant, persevering, struggling, mediocre, apathetic, rejection, free-spirited, hatred, self-centered, self-loathing, hopelessness. haha i guess the psychology is true in saying we can find more negatives than we can find positives about ourselves. humans are so fragile, so weak. that's why we need that something more, something greater.

God. slap me out of my self-pity. slap me with Your bittersweet hand of love/grace. i don't know. i need You.

i just love those days where you spend at costco with you mommy
talking about random stuff
and eating bomb costco food together.

i also love my doggy. as soon as he sees me, he runs at least 50 circles around me and around the house, and sits next to me waiting to be petted.

i love spending time with my sister
eating
shopping
and just talking.

i love all the little things... and home.

yes, i'm cheesy and i love it.

thanks.

i've fallen and i can't get up.

i've fallen, and i can't get up.
in fact, i don't think i even want to.
or care to.
or do i?

i'm starting to see hope in this world.
in my time of apathy and denial about God, i've been seeing His hope produced in other people's lives. in fact, i can definitely attest to His grace and His glory... in others. but for me? i can't see it for myself. and that's the part i hold onto the most against God.

yeah, i know i'm being selfish. REAAL selfish, but it's hard to do anything when you don't have that one experience that other people can personally give as a testimony.

anyways, back to this hope. i'm starting to see it because i want to almost fully believe that God is tailoring a theme in particular.

in the past few days, it's been a lot about seeing the big picture of things. and honestly, i know that it can't come as a "coincidence" when seriously 3 different situations with no connection come together and all say one thing: see the BIG picture of things.

one: pastor Jeremiah at WMBC was speaking about the big picture and how we can only see the small picture of things, but you need faith to trust in God's picture for you. i liked the true story about the hiroshima bombing thing :]

two: gran torino, the movie. i was half-expecting it to be pretty good. but anyways, basically the "big picture" part for me was about how the priest gained a bigger picture after getting to know walt. and how we can only see things for what they really are after making it through the hardest part.

three: after talking with a fellow struggling brother in Christ, he basically said everything that pastor Jeremiah preached about.. yet he didn't even go to WMBC that day. and i was like.. dangit God, You owned me. haha.

i mean i want to trust and say that this was God and move on, confess, and live my life passionately for Him, yet i feel so uneasy.

there have been many people encouraging me and rebuking me as well. but i just can't hear it. i just can't listen. for me it's like, do you really even know what i'm going through right now? or are you just saying the "christian" stuff, or saying what you think you should be saying.

i'm not in the right place i know. i just hope to be smacked and pulled out.

-ajc

keep smiling :]

genuine happiness is so contagious - so truly beautiful.
i think i got a slight taste of it today - i must say that i was actually very affected even though the smile wasn't meant for me.
and i say to the person who had the encouraging smile:
keep on smiling, your smile can light up the whole world

light up, light up

finals.

finals are finals.
it's all i can really say.

finals season is a season of much pressure, stress, selfishness, and self-seeking. all things that aren't really God-glorifying.

i wish there was a kind of finals that was more... spread out and not so painful. you would probably have to completely change the scheduling/quarter system.

or you could just change our mindsets. but oh how stubborn we are. to have a mindset set on God constantly in a season of finals is like.. a miracle.

man my head just wants to explode and i can't really explain myself on this blog, i should probably stop.

good luck on finals. how about, good luck trying to have the right focus during finals...

doubt + apathy is still the ultimate killer.

it's not all that bad.

i guess through this whole "complaining" to God process really got my own thoughts sorted out. the fact that i held all the pain/hurts inside didn't really help my spiritual life... in fact i'm pretty sure that it was slowly killing "it" softly. but it really helped me to see where i stand in my view of God.

and i can really say that in my own personal life i don't see that God has power. i know i may be speaking blasphemy, but really if i am to bring the gospel into my own personal life and what He's done in my life... i can't say BIG things (even though the best faith is when little seen is required to believe). i know that God is BIG in other people's lives, to see how He's changed them or helped them go through the craziest of experiences.

yet i do know God has carried me through it all. yet, why do i still belittle Him? i still stand here unconvinced of His power - that He can literally mountains. i just want to sit here and say, "God, move the mountain of my life. No.. actually don't just move it, SHAKE IT. literally break it."

i know that i've mentioned it before.. maybe to some... but i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of just waiting for God to move and "sweep me off my feet" - maybe have that true experience of His grace (in a personal way).. well... for me.

but i definitely can't say that life is all that bad. i do see the presence of God in so many of the lives of the people around me. for me, it's like... i want that. i want what he has - that love. want what he has - that joy. i want what she has - that passion. i know God has big plans for me, but i don't just want to sit here and wait i guess - i want to go out and experience the world. maybe i am myself trying to experience everything before i start settling on things. i don't know.

i know this doubt stems from a lot of things... i just don't exactly know what to do about it.. and i kind of don't want to do something about it. maybe it's me forcing myself to go into "desert" mode and not necessarily be involved in any sort of ministry thing for a while.. but develop a more personal relationship with God..

i don't know. I DONT KNOW!!

bleh, i'm ranting like crazy. anyways, God i see the hope and the joy of your salvation - in others. i kinda want to see it for me. i WANT IT. or do i? lkdjaslkjda.

God's love.

Never lose hope in it, never lose sight of it. Always indulge in it, always embrace it.