i've fallen and i can't get up.

i've fallen, and i can't get up.
in fact, i don't think i even want to.
or care to.
or do i?

i'm starting to see hope in this world.
in my time of apathy and denial about God, i've been seeing His hope produced in other people's lives. in fact, i can definitely attest to His grace and His glory... in others. but for me? i can't see it for myself. and that's the part i hold onto the most against God.

yeah, i know i'm being selfish. REAAL selfish, but it's hard to do anything when you don't have that one experience that other people can personally give as a testimony.

anyways, back to this hope. i'm starting to see it because i want to almost fully believe that God is tailoring a theme in particular.

in the past few days, it's been a lot about seeing the big picture of things. and honestly, i know that it can't come as a "coincidence" when seriously 3 different situations with no connection come together and all say one thing: see the BIG picture of things.

one: pastor Jeremiah at WMBC was speaking about the big picture and how we can only see the small picture of things, but you need faith to trust in God's picture for you. i liked the true story about the hiroshima bombing thing :]

two: gran torino, the movie. i was half-expecting it to be pretty good. but anyways, basically the "big picture" part for me was about how the priest gained a bigger picture after getting to know walt. and how we can only see things for what they really are after making it through the hardest part.

three: after talking with a fellow struggling brother in Christ, he basically said everything that pastor Jeremiah preached about.. yet he didn't even go to WMBC that day. and i was like.. dangit God, You owned me. haha.

i mean i want to trust and say that this was God and move on, confess, and live my life passionately for Him, yet i feel so uneasy.

there have been many people encouraging me and rebuking me as well. but i just can't hear it. i just can't listen. for me it's like, do you really even know what i'm going through right now? or are you just saying the "christian" stuff, or saying what you think you should be saying.

i'm not in the right place i know. i just hope to be smacked and pulled out.

-ajc