it's not all that bad.

i guess through this whole "complaining" to God process really got my own thoughts sorted out. the fact that i held all the pain/hurts inside didn't really help my spiritual life... in fact i'm pretty sure that it was slowly killing "it" softly. but it really helped me to see where i stand in my view of God.

and i can really say that in my own personal life i don't see that God has power. i know i may be speaking blasphemy, but really if i am to bring the gospel into my own personal life and what He's done in my life... i can't say BIG things (even though the best faith is when little seen is required to believe). i know that God is BIG in other people's lives, to see how He's changed them or helped them go through the craziest of experiences.

yet i do know God has carried me through it all. yet, why do i still belittle Him? i still stand here unconvinced of His power - that He can literally mountains. i just want to sit here and say, "God, move the mountain of my life. No.. actually don't just move it, SHAKE IT. literally break it."

i know that i've mentioned it before.. maybe to some... but i'm tired of waiting. i'm tired of just waiting for God to move and "sweep me off my feet" - maybe have that true experience of His grace (in a personal way).. well... for me.

but i definitely can't say that life is all that bad. i do see the presence of God in so many of the lives of the people around me. for me, it's like... i want that. i want what he has - that love. want what he has - that joy. i want what she has - that passion. i know God has big plans for me, but i don't just want to sit here and wait i guess - i want to go out and experience the world. maybe i am myself trying to experience everything before i start settling on things. i don't know.

i know this doubt stems from a lot of things... i just don't exactly know what to do about it.. and i kind of don't want to do something about it. maybe it's me forcing myself to go into "desert" mode and not necessarily be involved in any sort of ministry thing for a while.. but develop a more personal relationship with God..

i don't know. I DONT KNOW!!

bleh, i'm ranting like crazy. anyways, God i see the hope and the joy of your salvation - in others. i kinda want to see it for me. i WANT IT. or do i? lkdjaslkjda.