(blank)

as i sit here waiting for my car to get fixed, after many... many.. complications. i contemplate on life and realize i'm just wallowing in my self-pity.

i realize that if someone were non-christian, all these ups and downs would all be for naught. for nothing. the ups are good, yes, but without purpose. and when you get on your lows... boy can they get low, and it's not only that but the fact that you feel so depressed for what purpose? just to get through to the next day and hope that it will be better then today?

i just know that if i were just sitting here, without purpose and without anything to look forward to for the rest of my life.. i would become so apathetic and not want to go on with life.

and now i'm starting to really see what life without God is. what life is while the choices i make are in contradiction to a life that should be living for God. maybe this whole phahse is for me to realize how much i really need Him? that life is just so... bleh and meh.. without knowing your Creator on a deeper level.

when you determine your own destiny, you can only get so far with what the world provides you and.. well by your own strength, you're pretty weak. but with the strength of God, you can literally do anything. because whenever you run out of natural strength, you have the supernatural strength that never ends. never fails.

God i know you're calling me back, pulling me back, and wishing for me back into your arms. but it's almost like i just don't want to take responsibility, and i just want to reject everything and live for myself. it's seriously a spiritual warfare within myself and i've literally experienced all (well not ALL) forms of spiritual "well-being." now that probably doesn't make sense considering if i really was "one after God" then i would never go as far negative as i have gone. but then again, worries of the world and satan's unending temptation and fight to pull me away might've just been enough to tip me over the edge. but if i can even make a list on where i've gone, it would probably go something like: on fire, passionate, stagnant, persevering, struggling, mediocre, apathetic, rejection, free-spirited, hatred, self-centered, self-loathing, hopelessness. haha i guess the psychology is true in saying we can find more negatives than we can find positives about ourselves. humans are so fragile, so weak. that's why we need that something more, something greater.

God. slap me out of my self-pity. slap me with Your bittersweet hand of love/grace. i don't know. i need You.