shining boy little randy

for a second i was thinking of how "miserable" i am..
but then quickly, a reminder came to me: you asked for this.

true. i did ask for this. i put myself here and that's that.
no one's to blame, but me.
ha. hah. here i am wallowing in my self-pity, probably one of my lowest of lows.

and i feel so empty.
i know i'm empty, and i know what i'm without.

it's just my self-centeredness that keeps me from going back.
haha, it's so funny. i know what i need to do. but i really don't want to.
i'd rather stay here, unfulfilled, empty, alone, sad, miserable, angry, frustrated, self-loathing than to go back to the righteous life with everything that's opposite (mostly) from the nasty life.

story of my life, it really is. always chasing after things that i shouldn't be. living for myself and not for the things i know i should be. i mean i used to be a little better with it in the past, but now it's horrible. utterly.

if there was one thing i could ask for. it would be that one spark, that one push to get me back. to show me that You care. that You always wanted me back from the beginning. i mean, i know You always did. but i don't know know. you know what i mean?

i need to see it. i need to experience it. i need it to be personal.

is that too much to ask? maybe.
but i guess i'll find out.