suddenly..

i suddenly feel single. really single.
and kind of alone?

like single as in EVERYONE in korea is either a couple or bff's (excluding children - well some, maybe). and yeah it does make me feel kinda alone. i def know i have my brothers and sisters from back home, and some here as well. but i do feel as though i am so very distant with those even around me. when i see people so close, so comfortable... i want that. i mean yeah i'm pretty comfortable... with myself and a few others.. but it's not the same.

i want what they have. and every time i reach for it, some how or some way something falls short and i end up getting hurt in the end. like i've invested the most, then get the short end of the stick. i don't want to bag on others... but i guess it makes me feel that i have to be more and more independent. i just may be too dependent on others for life, support, and happiness (friendship). i need to be more rooted in myself, who i am - all in God's name. all in who i'm meant to be.

i just wish i wasn't this way and that i knew how to be, how to act, who was right for me and who was wrong. but hey if i was that, i would be way too famous, or have too many friends, or have too little. i don't know.

life... please be simple. please don't get so difficult on me. i'm trying to do the right things... but i know it's not a full compromise at the same time. i know that i don't want to give it all up. i know that i'm holding on to my own values, and my identity. vs the identity i have in God. i just don't want to accept it at times. i just want to live. but at the same time i don't.

and that... is complex. way too complex.

whew enough of that.

onto other things.. november is here! and november is the best month why? birthdays. best birthdays and birthdays galore. we'll see how this goes.

another side note: i love food. (how random?)

ADD!

maybe i should go to sleep. it's 12:30 am. very much too early to sleep but i shall try.

goodnight!

-ajc

most of all.

God, i wanna tell you first before i tell anyone
my faith is slippin and i'm crossin where the lines are drawn
i glorify myself, my heart is compromised
i'm speakin with my back turned instead of eye to eye

and even in those times when i swear i'm livin holy
Lord you know me wholly that my love for sin is borderline
i'm callin others fake while i got my mask on
rebukin haters while i'm hatin on my saving grace

i hate this. its hard to take shape of the savior
its impossible i'm always blamin satan too
but the case in every situation is, i got my own mind
the bottom line its my own decision that i'm makin

it's so cliche( i ) this roller coaster ride (miss)
but now i've got to pray (you)cuz i need you, (my God).
i'm at a lost for words, nothing i deserve from you
and tho i ask not for anything, im glad i told u first.

----

Father, i gotta tell you now before this moment passes by
i've made you my convenience and not my staff and rod
i'm led astray easily by things that please me
like sheep i wander off forgetting where the green pastures lie

my heart is numb to love, ur grace i push aside
the greatest gift to man but like a light i switch you off
i'm losin focus, the hands of sin they choke me
it's hard to breathe and hard to see, ur heart just seems so far from me Lord

i reached your seashore once and caught a glimpse of beauty
bright as jewelry you insured a new me, and
you said my past was gone and showed me purity, and
you said that i would fall again but that you'd catch my hand

i understand now that i can stand even now
despite the struggle cuz of what you did it evens out
amount of sin is plenty, but you call me righteous
i ask not for anything, you've given everything already.

i post this song because i felt that it really spoke true of my heart lately.

manifest - most of all.

lost love.

am i free man?

or am i tied to love?

am i tied to breaking hearts

playing around and not caring?

or am i thinking too much?

is it better to have loved and lost than to not love?

what is it in the heart? what is it in my heart?

can i show love to someone in a true and genuine way?

am i prone to do that?

hate it.

koreans~

i think it's a statistic that says 90% of korean males (probably exclusively in korea) smoke or have smoked for a good period of time.

koreans smoke way too much.

life...

brings you to many unexpected occurrences.

(this is more about me, not saying it necessarily as a generalization)

there are many choices you have to make many hard... very hard decisions. and you end up making many turns and detours in your life. you may feel like you're going around and about, but there is a goal that you will end up in. it's just how you spend your decisions and how long you dwell on them that takes you to "your goal" faster. maybe not necessarily the goal YOU intended but the goal that was intended for you.

if you know it's a wrong course that you're taking (before you make that decision), then you should probably not make that decision in the wrong way. however, i feel and kinda know that many decisions i'm making are leading me in the wrong path, and i'm sure i can get many people to agree on that (that know me).

it's just that i don't want to be there quite yet. i want to live. i want to embrace the things that i want to do, the things i've so wanted to do. and somethings that i just had a slight interest in. call me evil, but i'm but just a man. a man that may be able to make an impact on this world full of debauchery, hurt, pain, disgust, filth, and so many unnecessary things. but these things just may be necessary to get you to realize some things and take you to a place where you should be.

if i wanted for life to simplify and be clear cut i could, but i don't. i want things to get complicated. i want experiences that i can share, i want to tell people, "been there, done that." or "oh yeah, i totally know what you're saying" instead of prejudging them by the things they do. i feel like this could take me to a place where i can understand people's hearts better. instead of (again) judging them by their actions.

so many things i came to a realization of when i was in korea. so much more i understood about my own self. the deeper side of me. the side that won't come out while i'm in the sheltered life with all the friends i want and "should" be with. i just hide it not knowing when it comes out, and let it slap me in the face when that situation comes around. i'm definitely starting to understand my actions, tendencies, and personality more as i reside in a city full of debauchery. i can't say that it's right what i'm doing, or where i am with all the people and experiences that i've had. but i can say that i've learned. i can say that i've learned a lot more about what it is to life. why the Bible characters did what they did in a more real sense. not just automatically saying, "oh yeah, it's just those fleshly tendencies. they need God." but i'm really starting to understand why we need God so much more. i know that i need God, i know that i need Him to pwn me in the face and shake me out of this state, but at the same time i know He's watching me and my every step, guiding me. leading me. sitting there as my inner spiritual guide. as closed off as i am to the Christian life is as open as i am (don't know if that made sense).

i just know that at the end of this. relation is going to be a little, if not much more easy. yes, you can definitely learn to understand people in a better way, by taking the righteous path and allowing God to be your heart and your understanding, giving you wisdom beyond measure. but this is my walk. i'm taking these things more into my own hands and learning different perspectives on this fath. one-directional to multi dimensional... i hope.

my understanding of people has become a lot better. meeting the weirdest to the loudest to the shadiest to the quietest to the most emotional to the most loving to the most heartless. and i'm learning how they think, why they think. how they do.

life is seriously like a box of chocolates in terms of people that you're going to meet, experiences that you're going to have. you never know what you're going to get, never know who you're going to meet, never know what you're going to experience. all i know is that it's all for a reason.

-ajc

in a city full of debauchery...

only the strong survive.

-ajc

i just fell...

for the world.

everything that it represents - i fell into it.

there is really nothing else... (well some minor/not too major things) that i can fall into without dying or spending my life-savings on.

is this rock bottom? do i just sit here and bask in whatever temporary things i have here? or do i try to make do with what i have, embrace it, and squeeze it to it's last pulp?

is it even worth it?

much of what has surpassed over my time in korea has definitely taught me many things. it has taught me that you have to really fight for your faith. and hold tight to your morals. cuz if you don't, then there's no end to what you will let go. before you know it, you blow your whole life away and can't turn back.

am i at a point where i can still turn back and have anything left? i know that it says in the Bible that that's what God loves to come back to Him. He welcomes us with open arms. those who are weary and those who are but at their end (or at least feel like it).

i know what i believe. i know what i should be holding strong to. but i'm not holding very tightly. in fact, i think i'm holding pretty loosely to the knowledge and experience of His grace that i have. much i have, but much i am but too willing to let go.

it is all fleeting. life is fleeting.

is it just there for the carpe diem? or is it there that i must hold fast to the basics and go step by step. no matter how slow it is.

haha man, i can't even figure myself out. what did i write? am i just writing to sound horrible and get noticed by whoever and whatever that i'm writing about?

or is this out of a genuine cry for help? is this out of a truthful hurt life state.

i know my life is so short here and that i am wasting whatever time i have here, but i don't think that i can make by with knowledge and a few experiences i've had here and there. there is only so much to talk about, only so much to share. what can i relate to you? how can i relate to the next passerby in order to share the Good News?

truly, it is Good News. but how "Good" may it seem to the person who's hearing it from me. how Good is my Good News? is it even good news? or maybe it's the worst news you can bring to someone in your state? are you even eligible to bring good news? i don't know, from the various experiences i've had with brothers and sisters in the faith, it tells me both ways - that i can share the good news regardless of whatever state i'm in, because it's God ... not me.

but there are those who say that i'm not in the right state or in the right spiritual mind to share with someone. that i may toy with their hearts and bring them to a place that would actually take them further away. or a way that may bring them to the right area, but with much baggage that should've been dealt with.

i don't know.

i just don't.

-ajc

am i a bad person?

because of what i do or what i think?

or is it the whole choice-making process involved in that?

i am human, i have bad tendencies. so i don't exactly think it's the actions necessarily, but the thoughts that motivate those actions and what i CHOOSE to do with those thoughts.

then i guess i am bad.. because i have bad thoughts. -_-;;

-ajc