life...

brings you to many unexpected occurrences.

(this is more about me, not saying it necessarily as a generalization)

there are many choices you have to make many hard... very hard decisions. and you end up making many turns and detours in your life. you may feel like you're going around and about, but there is a goal that you will end up in. it's just how you spend your decisions and how long you dwell on them that takes you to "your goal" faster. maybe not necessarily the goal YOU intended but the goal that was intended for you.

if you know it's a wrong course that you're taking (before you make that decision), then you should probably not make that decision in the wrong way. however, i feel and kinda know that many decisions i'm making are leading me in the wrong path, and i'm sure i can get many people to agree on that (that know me).

it's just that i don't want to be there quite yet. i want to live. i want to embrace the things that i want to do, the things i've so wanted to do. and somethings that i just had a slight interest in. call me evil, but i'm but just a man. a man that may be able to make an impact on this world full of debauchery, hurt, pain, disgust, filth, and so many unnecessary things. but these things just may be necessary to get you to realize some things and take you to a place where you should be.

if i wanted for life to simplify and be clear cut i could, but i don't. i want things to get complicated. i want experiences that i can share, i want to tell people, "been there, done that." or "oh yeah, i totally know what you're saying" instead of prejudging them by the things they do. i feel like this could take me to a place where i can understand people's hearts better. instead of (again) judging them by their actions.

so many things i came to a realization of when i was in korea. so much more i understood about my own self. the deeper side of me. the side that won't come out while i'm in the sheltered life with all the friends i want and "should" be with. i just hide it not knowing when it comes out, and let it slap me in the face when that situation comes around. i'm definitely starting to understand my actions, tendencies, and personality more as i reside in a city full of debauchery. i can't say that it's right what i'm doing, or where i am with all the people and experiences that i've had. but i can say that i've learned. i can say that i've learned a lot more about what it is to life. why the Bible characters did what they did in a more real sense. not just automatically saying, "oh yeah, it's just those fleshly tendencies. they need God." but i'm really starting to understand why we need God so much more. i know that i need God, i know that i need Him to pwn me in the face and shake me out of this state, but at the same time i know He's watching me and my every step, guiding me. leading me. sitting there as my inner spiritual guide. as closed off as i am to the Christian life is as open as i am (don't know if that made sense).

i just know that at the end of this. relation is going to be a little, if not much more easy. yes, you can definitely learn to understand people in a better way, by taking the righteous path and allowing God to be your heart and your understanding, giving you wisdom beyond measure. but this is my walk. i'm taking these things more into my own hands and learning different perspectives on this fath. one-directional to multi dimensional... i hope.

my understanding of people has become a lot better. meeting the weirdest to the loudest to the shadiest to the quietest to the most emotional to the most loving to the most heartless. and i'm learning how they think, why they think. how they do.

life is seriously like a box of chocolates in terms of people that you're going to meet, experiences that you're going to have. you never know what you're going to get, never know who you're going to meet, never know what you're going to experience. all i know is that it's all for a reason.

-ajc