suddenly..

i suddenly feel single. really single.
and kind of alone?

like single as in EVERYONE in korea is either a couple or bff's (excluding children - well some, maybe). and yeah it does make me feel kinda alone. i def know i have my brothers and sisters from back home, and some here as well. but i do feel as though i am so very distant with those even around me. when i see people so close, so comfortable... i want that. i mean yeah i'm pretty comfortable... with myself and a few others.. but it's not the same.

i want what they have. and every time i reach for it, some how or some way something falls short and i end up getting hurt in the end. like i've invested the most, then get the short end of the stick. i don't want to bag on others... but i guess it makes me feel that i have to be more and more independent. i just may be too dependent on others for life, support, and happiness (friendship). i need to be more rooted in myself, who i am - all in God's name. all in who i'm meant to be.

i just wish i wasn't this way and that i knew how to be, how to act, who was right for me and who was wrong. but hey if i was that, i would be way too famous, or have too many friends, or have too little. i don't know.

life... please be simple. please don't get so difficult on me. i'm trying to do the right things... but i know it's not a full compromise at the same time. i know that i don't want to give it all up. i know that i'm holding on to my own values, and my identity. vs the identity i have in God. i just don't want to accept it at times. i just want to live. but at the same time i don't.

and that... is complex. way too complex.

whew enough of that.

onto other things.. november is here! and november is the best month why? birthdays. best birthdays and birthdays galore. we'll see how this goes.

another side note: i love food. (how random?)

ADD!

maybe i should go to sleep. it's 12:30 am. very much too early to sleep but i shall try.

goodnight!

-ajc