i just fell...

for the world.

everything that it represents - i fell into it.

there is really nothing else... (well some minor/not too major things) that i can fall into without dying or spending my life-savings on.

is this rock bottom? do i just sit here and bask in whatever temporary things i have here? or do i try to make do with what i have, embrace it, and squeeze it to it's last pulp?

is it even worth it?

much of what has surpassed over my time in korea has definitely taught me many things. it has taught me that you have to really fight for your faith. and hold tight to your morals. cuz if you don't, then there's no end to what you will let go. before you know it, you blow your whole life away and can't turn back.

am i at a point where i can still turn back and have anything left? i know that it says in the Bible that that's what God loves to come back to Him. He welcomes us with open arms. those who are weary and those who are but at their end (or at least feel like it).

i know what i believe. i know what i should be holding strong to. but i'm not holding very tightly. in fact, i think i'm holding pretty loosely to the knowledge and experience of His grace that i have. much i have, but much i am but too willing to let go.

it is all fleeting. life is fleeting.

is it just there for the carpe diem? or is it there that i must hold fast to the basics and go step by step. no matter how slow it is.

haha man, i can't even figure myself out. what did i write? am i just writing to sound horrible and get noticed by whoever and whatever that i'm writing about?

or is this out of a genuine cry for help? is this out of a truthful hurt life state.

i know my life is so short here and that i am wasting whatever time i have here, but i don't think that i can make by with knowledge and a few experiences i've had here and there. there is only so much to talk about, only so much to share. what can i relate to you? how can i relate to the next passerby in order to share the Good News?

truly, it is Good News. but how "Good" may it seem to the person who's hearing it from me. how Good is my Good News? is it even good news? or maybe it's the worst news you can bring to someone in your state? are you even eligible to bring good news? i don't know, from the various experiences i've had with brothers and sisters in the faith, it tells me both ways - that i can share the good news regardless of whatever state i'm in, because it's God ... not me.

but there are those who say that i'm not in the right state or in the right spiritual mind to share with someone. that i may toy with their hearts and bring them to a place that would actually take them further away. or a way that may bring them to the right area, but with much baggage that should've been dealt with.

i don't know.

i just don't.

-ajc