shining boy little randy

for a second i was thinking of how "miserable" i am..
but then quickly, a reminder came to me: you asked for this.

true. i did ask for this. i put myself here and that's that.
no one's to blame, but me.
ha. hah. here i am wallowing in my self-pity, probably one of my lowest of lows.

and i feel so empty.
i know i'm empty, and i know what i'm without.

it's just my self-centeredness that keeps me from going back.
haha, it's so funny. i know what i need to do. but i really don't want to.
i'd rather stay here, unfulfilled, empty, alone, sad, miserable, angry, frustrated, self-loathing than to go back to the righteous life with everything that's opposite (mostly) from the nasty life.

story of my life, it really is. always chasing after things that i shouldn't be. living for myself and not for the things i know i should be. i mean i used to be a little better with it in the past, but now it's horrible. utterly.

if there was one thing i could ask for. it would be that one spark, that one push to get me back. to show me that You care. that You always wanted me back from the beginning. i mean, i know You always did. but i don't know know. you know what i mean?

i need to see it. i need to experience it. i need it to be personal.

is that too much to ask? maybe.
but i guess i'll find out.

hmm

i kinda really wanted to write in this today, but i'm tired and have to wake up early tomorrow. it'll have to wait.

(blank)

as i sit here waiting for my car to get fixed, after many... many.. complications. i contemplate on life and realize i'm just wallowing in my self-pity.

i realize that if someone were non-christian, all these ups and downs would all be for naught. for nothing. the ups are good, yes, but without purpose. and when you get on your lows... boy can they get low, and it's not only that but the fact that you feel so depressed for what purpose? just to get through to the next day and hope that it will be better then today?

i just know that if i were just sitting here, without purpose and without anything to look forward to for the rest of my life.. i would become so apathetic and not want to go on with life.

and now i'm starting to really see what life without God is. what life is while the choices i make are in contradiction to a life that should be living for God. maybe this whole phahse is for me to realize how much i really need Him? that life is just so... bleh and meh.. without knowing your Creator on a deeper level.

when you determine your own destiny, you can only get so far with what the world provides you and.. well by your own strength, you're pretty weak. but with the strength of God, you can literally do anything. because whenever you run out of natural strength, you have the supernatural strength that never ends. never fails.

God i know you're calling me back, pulling me back, and wishing for me back into your arms. but it's almost like i just don't want to take responsibility, and i just want to reject everything and live for myself. it's seriously a spiritual warfare within myself and i've literally experienced all (well not ALL) forms of spiritual "well-being." now that probably doesn't make sense considering if i really was "one after God" then i would never go as far negative as i have gone. but then again, worries of the world and satan's unending temptation and fight to pull me away might've just been enough to tip me over the edge. but if i can even make a list on where i've gone, it would probably go something like: on fire, passionate, stagnant, persevering, struggling, mediocre, apathetic, rejection, free-spirited, hatred, self-centered, self-loathing, hopelessness. haha i guess the psychology is true in saying we can find more negatives than we can find positives about ourselves. humans are so fragile, so weak. that's why we need that something more, something greater.

God. slap me out of my self-pity. slap me with Your bittersweet hand of love/grace. i don't know. i need You.

i just love those days where you spend at costco with you mommy
talking about random stuff
and eating bomb costco food together.

i also love my doggy. as soon as he sees me, he runs at least 50 circles around me and around the house, and sits next to me waiting to be petted.

i love spending time with my sister
eating
shopping
and just talking.

i love all the little things... and home.

yes, i'm cheesy and i love it.

thanks.

i've fallen and i can't get up.

i've fallen, and i can't get up.
in fact, i don't think i even want to.
or care to.
or do i?

i'm starting to see hope in this world.
in my time of apathy and denial about God, i've been seeing His hope produced in other people's lives. in fact, i can definitely attest to His grace and His glory... in others. but for me? i can't see it for myself. and that's the part i hold onto the most against God.

yeah, i know i'm being selfish. REAAL selfish, but it's hard to do anything when you don't have that one experience that other people can personally give as a testimony.

anyways, back to this hope. i'm starting to see it because i want to almost fully believe that God is tailoring a theme in particular.

in the past few days, it's been a lot about seeing the big picture of things. and honestly, i know that it can't come as a "coincidence" when seriously 3 different situations with no connection come together and all say one thing: see the BIG picture of things.

one: pastor Jeremiah at WMBC was speaking about the big picture and how we can only see the small picture of things, but you need faith to trust in God's picture for you. i liked the true story about the hiroshima bombing thing :]

two: gran torino, the movie. i was half-expecting it to be pretty good. but anyways, basically the "big picture" part for me was about how the priest gained a bigger picture after getting to know walt. and how we can only see things for what they really are after making it through the hardest part.

three: after talking with a fellow struggling brother in Christ, he basically said everything that pastor Jeremiah preached about.. yet he didn't even go to WMBC that day. and i was like.. dangit God, You owned me. haha.

i mean i want to trust and say that this was God and move on, confess, and live my life passionately for Him, yet i feel so uneasy.

there have been many people encouraging me and rebuking me as well. but i just can't hear it. i just can't listen. for me it's like, do you really even know what i'm going through right now? or are you just saying the "christian" stuff, or saying what you think you should be saying.

i'm not in the right place i know. i just hope to be smacked and pulled out.

-ajc