RIP blogspot

i think today is the perfect day for my last post on blogspot.

if i went to that cafe to study, i probably wouldn't have been in the right state of mind.

this feels funny, i feel like i'm typing a eulogy for this blogspot.. but really i'm not.

i remember i started this blogspot having an invigorated vision to share my thoughts as i went through life as a believer of God. however, little did i know that it was later going to be a blog full of blaspheming and journaling of a believer, falling away. after about a month of starting this blog... not even. maybe a few weeks after i started, i fell into this downward spiral of doubt and rebellious thinking. so then began the posts of rebellious thinking. i started to doubt whether i should blog at all, since maybe it was just discouraging a lot of believers.. yet something inside of me still wanted to blog more and more - maybe because it was one of the few outlets i had left to vent. i believed it so because.. well you know once you start falling away, you can't trust anyone and so everyone becomes your enemy.. and so on. and at that point i felt so alone in my position that i relented to only pouring out my heart to this blog.. which kinda worked.

many people approached me and tried to support as a response for reading this. and in some, small way i felt encouraged even though i had a hard time believing that little to no Christians had true genuine hearts that cared. but really, that was out of blind selfishness - so don't think i'm blaming anyone, just myself.

so in this time of rebelliousness, i embraced the life of basically being a non-christian.. embracing a life with the morals of just your average joe shmo, went to korea and did it all. embraced every single outlet that i could possible.. besides somethings since i held on to a few morals.. and that was exactly when i felt God tugging at my heart, because it was in living the life that i had grown up disrespecting that i found myself reaching back for God. being down in the dumps, embracing the world - and really only being reinforced temporarily led me to know and resolve to get my act straight once i got back to the US. and that i did attempt to do, although it was hard since i had been out of practice for so long.

even though i wanted the heart to chase after God's, i wasn't physically, mentally, or spiritually capable due to being so used to a sinful heart for what seemed to be a short time - but really, it was a LONG time. and so i internally struggled, battled with a heart that was used to being sinful and one that wanted to be back in God's arms.. and so i fell a few times.. but after talking to a few people, listening to a few messages, reading a few books it was then that my heart was taking in the nutrients of the bread of life instead of just eating and automatically pooping out anything that i consumed. things slowly started to make sense and i started to judge (others as well as myself) less.

today is a big mark for my faith and the man of God that i hope to become, because praying became more natural, bible study became normal, and interacting with fellow believers finally became something that i could stand and embrace. i know i'm not quite there yet, but i think this is a landmark to be remembered.

on this day, friday, March 6, 2010, 12:28am, the weekend before a bunch of stuff is due, i end my blog (after falling away and having many struggles) as a servant of God. May this blog have been an encouragement to believers, non-believers, all who dwell in this sinful world. God may you use this blog for your glory. (if you read my first post this paragraph would sound a lot cooler ^_^)

Thank you, God.

Amen.

-ajc

ps. RIP blog, thanks for the journey, the ride on a seat with so much to experience, so much to see.. i definitely had a good time sharing with you and struggling with you. i hope that you will continue to thrive, encourage others, and glorify God.

T - 1.

ever heard of that famous quote?:

it's better to have loved and lost, then not have loved at all

or something like that?

i have to say that even though i liked the television series, House, a lot... i just started to like it exponentially because of the deeper values that i have learned due to sitting on my ass and (slightly) mindlessly watching this series hours on hours without end. side note: i do wonder who comes up with these episodes, along with coming up with the side character development AND achieving many good deeper values than just the surface (obvious) values like love others before you think about yourself... blah, blah.

it makes you wonder, do humans (those who believe in God AND those that don't) have good intentions and good hearts to begin with? or i guess you could argue that they develop them as they go through life (hardships, times to worship or what-not). don't think about that last sentence i just wrote too much. because i also want to argue that the whole idea of people having good hearts to begin with conflicts with the idea of humans with a fleshly nature of being innately selfish. we were born sinners, to be like our Creator, yet obviously because we were given free choice and are kinda selfish.. we sin and destruct. i think i'm just thinking way too hard about this, but i'm assuming that there's just an overall balance of people's goodness as well as selfishness/evil desires. i don't know. anyways, the whole first part of this blog was just thought up as i was writing just now.

but the real reason i wanted to post was to ponder upon that quote. yes, i agree with it. many, if not most, do as well. but why do we believe it? is it that the sheer experience gained from all of this is better than to not "experience" that specific situation. hey, it could mean you're cowardly for not "going for it" with that relationship or whatever. but if you REALLY think about it, you don't love and lose so that you can experience a different side of life. you choose the alternate route of loving and losing in a different way, with a completely different approach. you choose to love and lose with the world, situations, etc.

i think that i agree with the quote by principle. but i don't agree with it in terms of practice - because the life i've lived so far doesn't agree with it. and even now, situations come in my life with friends, acquaintances, family, and people i would consider really close to my heart - such and such. however, i am not living by the principle because instead of going deeper or initiating a relationship, i shy away and choose to not deal with the potential hurt and pain. because i want this next relationship or friendship to be solid. i don't want to get hurt no more. i want for everything to be all good. yet, i see myself missing out on so much. i don't know... my life seems to be empty, not SO meaningless (because i know my end result is in God), but it feels like i want that partner. i desire innately a mate, yes, but i think you might be reading me wrong here. i really think i'm missing out on a true spiritual accountability where it's not all nice, not all direct encouragement, not all ... shallow. everything i'm living is shallow. i can't think of the last time i got "deep" with someone and gotten to the nitty-gritty where it starts to chafe on a few pieces of my heart. i can't even think if i ever have.. in my whole life. that sounds kinda sad, yes. and inside somewhere i kinda am sad. maybe it's accountability in terms of a best friend, girlfriend, good friend, family member, brother, sister, whatever. but i know that it's not exactly my approach to an accountabiltiy relationship or anything, but the way that in the way that i view friendships and such.

because let's face the facts here, i've admitted that i'm a people pleaser and that i subconsciously use having a good affinity with people to satiate me. in other words, my life contentment is based on how not lonely i feel. and when i feel lonely, it's then that i feel that i have no life purpose or anything.

you know, now that i think about it, i always hear about people loving alone time and time with God (just a face-to-face thing), and i even agree and say that i enjoy it as well. but i only enjoy it for a fragment of time.. then i start feeling lonely and lowly of self-worth. does anyone else feel that way? is that because i have no identity but with people? sdkljaldkjsakdjl

anyways. .. ugh i hate how my intentions to write in the beginning and the end of a post differ so strongly. because at the end of it all, i feel more confused. but i guess it's all a part of learning about myself.

this is really interesting because this is seriously like the 2nd to last post before i move over to tumblr, and i almost feel as if something profound is supposed to happen just because it's the CONCLUSION of my life... on blogspot. man, if you really think about it, i've written nearly 100 posts and you can really make that into a book and call it "Jiminy's thoughts on life" or something. well, if you feeel a little more private about your thoughts, then it becomes a journal. but i tend to feel very open about my thoughts, deeper ones included, because i feel that the very pressure of the possibility of others reading it makes me write more seriously than half-assing my way through writing a journal post just because i'm feeling obligated to that day. or "i should because i haven't in a while."

anyways. i think i should probably end this post here because it's starting to get long. maybe if i can, before my next post, manage to get my thoughts more organized, i'll write a fully sensical post.

-ajc

ps. i love you

bad days better

You have made my day,
even in stormy weather.
I'm dancing in all the rain.
cause you make bad days...

better.

today was an interesting compilation of events. i went to campus for no EXACT specific reason, but little did i know that i would be witnessing the teacher's "walk-in." it was a passionate gathering of students standing up against discrimination and i definitely felt my heart shaking as they shouted so passionately for their purpose. i for one wish that we could stand up like that for our faith.

which brings me to think about that man who holds up that sign "God hates sin" and something about repenting in a very strong, negative way. i mean yes i do agree that there is an urgency that needs to be brought up to people, but it can definitely be brought about in a more loving way. but hey, action is better than no action? maybe? actually, yes, i do believe that it is better than all of us Christians walking around this campus like ghosts, trying not to be noticed and going about our business - trying to graduate and hang out with just our friends, maybe "christian" friends to be more exact. something to chew on.

also, today i heard a message from Judah Smith at the One Heart conference in rancho bernardo. and what a shocker he was. the most unique style of preaching i've seen in a long time (aside from PT's always unique sermons, haha). but he definitely brought about the gospel message in a lovely light. bringing baout verses like genesis 48, with the crossing of Jacob's arms. i mean i don't want to ruin this message for you, because i don't want to use my inexperienced heart to relay this to you.. especially on this blog. i would much rather relay this message to you, in person. but man, i was definitely encouraged by God through this guy. if there is one thing, though, that you want to know at the very least, i would have to say: what we do in our Christian living should never be an initiation trying to do things for our relationship with God. but it should always be a response BECAUSE of Jesus' initiative. worship is a response, prayer is a response. who are we to initiate anything with the Lord, but it's Him who always initiates with us first. anything that we do on our own strength will only fall short with our faith being based on our performance.

2 Corinthians 5:21
1 John 4:19 - we love Him, BECAUSE He first loved us.

Grace is not us going to God,
but God coming down to us - through Jesus.

need i say more? i shouldn't. i feel like i'm ruining the awesome message that i was blessed to have witnessed.

anyways, yes! praise Jesus!

one thing though. today when i was talking with my roommate, i misheard something that he said, i immediately took it the wrong way and got defensive, responding in a really negative way. it's really hard to explain the situation because i'm not a good explainer, but man was i lucky that he didn't catch the negativeness that was very much pun intended.

but i realize that i do that, especially with people that i tend to be closer with. i get snappy and defensive when there's some kind of miscommunication or something that MAY have been able to have been interpreted in the wrong way. and i hate myself for that, but i feel as though it's something very difficult to change, because it just comes out sometimes. or maybe there is a way, and i just can't think of it.

i noticed this because in one of my past relationships, my (ex)girlfriend would have said something, let's just say with no connotation at all, and i automatically assuming that she meant it i the negative way to me; i would respond in a negative way; and whabam, a fight would erupt. this is not to say that i did this all the time or that this was always the reason for our fights. but it was definitely involved many times or in many ways of negative-ness. this would especially be bad when we're both very sensitive to each other's comments due to a previously recent fight, then she says something maybe with a slightly intentional negative connotation, maybe just because she was tired and there was a self-regulation/strength failure and she said it (sorry i'm getting all psychology on you) for the heck of it, but THEN i would take it in the super worst, possible case scenario and assume... then... well you know what would happen.

so i do pray and hope that God has changed this inside of me, and is still changing this inside of me, because i don't want any further broken relationships with friends, sig o's due to this.

anyways, have a good one!

-ajc

reach for the stars.

aii.. i wanted to write a post about... something.. but now it's 5am and i'm super tired.

well, here i go - i rant.

so today, my canon rebel t1i is supposed to arrive by delivery to my apartment. my knees shake with excitement - seriously. i've been waiting to get my own dSLR for the past.. 3+ years since i saw a dad at my church lugging that thing around and taking awesome pictures with it.

dream come true.

i already have my filters ready and battery pack/extra 50mm lens coming up... muahah you can tell that i'm ready for this. i've also been tracking the package nonstop since.. i ordered (which was 1 week ago) and starting 12am today, it's making its journey from LA to SD. hope it'll arrive soon!! weeeeeeeeeeeeee~ all i need to do now is buy the camera bag and i'll be smooth sailing from here. freaking, zack got his 7d and is making me mad jealous with his ultra-professional camera making all those clicking noises... haha envy, i do. i think buying too expensive of a camera would make me too on edge and .. really with the amount of experience i have i would be putting a waste on that camera.. it would definitely use a better and more professional owner than i. that's why i think t1i fits me and my semi-artsy, semi-knowledge on dSLRs. besides, i want to finish my photo classs sTRONG!

so... bowlings been going pretty goood as well. i sooo want to buy my own ball since, just yesterday at IM's, i bowled with THE most perfect ball i've played with in a while. the way it fluttered off my fingers and made rotations in that shimmery bowling lane was truly majestic. i wanted to buy it, but the dude said i couldn't, since it had "KM bowl" on it. eff man! so i decided that i will buy my own bowling ball ... soon.

man i've been spending a grip of money... which is why i'm really trying to find a job at starbucks.. be a barista!! lalala! haha man. people say they see me as a barista.. but i don't. i just like coffee. i just want to serve people and make some money doing it. a bit harsh to say it that way but i'm just going to be purely honest about it. man, i just know that it's not going to be an easy job, possibly working early mornings or late nights with lousy, grumpy customers just wanting their coffee for a daily pick-me-up. hopefully i'll get good at it... assuming i get the job.

i am also not looking forward to this next quarter... "officially" marking my last quarter here at UCSD (even though i'm going to be here for summer session 1). it's going to be one heck of a trip. and it's definitely already been one heck of a trip. i just can't believe it happened that quick. people ALWAYS say it happens quick. and you never understand til it happens. college is definitely the case. i'm at 3.7ish years done with the 4 years here at the greatest years of my life.. supposedly finding my identity, my future wife, and getting plugged solidly into a solid church.

so much for all of that. much of my own selfish self-journeys had led me astray and away from my ultimate goals. i mean, yes, i will be accomplishing what i was meant to here on san diego turf, but it was just prolonged... by a lot because i chose to be rebellious and not want to face some hard facts.

so here i am, still trying to find my identity, my future wife, and trying to get plugged back into my church. maybe it's all supposed to happen somewhere else - where i don't expect?

i sit here, next to my roommate, who's also posting (but on his tumblr) ruminating about college, about life, posting senselessly just trying to get my thoughts out on something concrete. i post to you, my blogspot community, whoever dare read my confessions - i dare try to be encouraging, but end up stagnantly writing nonsense, sometimes even being discouraging.

but i am trying. i am picking up. things are getting better.

OH! that reminds me.

i find that there is a big difference in your body/mind's attitude approaching a late nighter when you need to do it vs. when you want to do it. today was the latter, i just felt like doing a late nighter (+ zack wanted to go to vallarta's so i couldn't help myself and now i can't sleep off this unhealthy late night snack). today was just one of those "on" days when you feel like being experimental. i guess it was also because i started the day doing something i never do - donating blood platelets to red cross in escondido (FREAKING 30 mins away). yes, i complain. because i felt like i was doing them a service (2 hours of platelet/plasma donation) AND i had to do extra by driving an accumulated 1 hour just to do it. but hey, that's the selfish perspective. if you really think about it, people are in dire need of this stuff - mostly leukemia/cancer patients who can't rebuild their blood platelets, and blood plasma.. for whatever (look it up on google, i'm too lazy). and the san diego region is in dire need of it, which means patients in san diego are in dire need of it - tugging just a tad at my heartstrings.

and hey, look at the benefits i received: reassurance knowing that someone out there is going to use well the platelets/plasma that i donated, respect from the workers at the red cross (a little), good scenic views (to take pictures with my t1i) on the way, a hella good sandwich (hungry bears @ escondido), a free appetizer coupon for mimi's cafe, and some snacks/drink to give to my roommate. :) so many benefits for the little cost/time that i spent. thank you God for blessing me to be a blessing to another.

... it's 6am.. hello starbucks.. here i come~

-ajc

selfish.

selfish. i am.

you know, i wonder why they called it selfish. does it have to do with any fishy stuff? or is it named after a type of fish? does the root word have something to do with it? i don't know.. i really find that word kinda funny.

but the meaning of it is not funny at all. it's something i struggle with - something we all struggle with. granted we all struggle with it in different ways with different outlets. it's definitely going to be on our top struggles for the rest of our lives, why? because we're freaking prone to be selfish. because we "is" made of "flesh" - get it, get it? haha, mix those letters around and you should get selfish... i think. ugh, anyways. yes, we are human beings, naturally and instinctively going about ways to fulfill our desires. we just don't exactly know HOW to fulfill those desires, at least we end up not doing it in the right way. the world tells us to do it one.. well many different sorts of ways and that.. is.. well, how we end up being so selfish. but really, if from the start we were only taught the way God taught it to us and followed it, think of how the world would be today? but i guess that's how God intended it to be, that us with our free choice of will would make it that more precious if we made that choice out of full consciousness of our own desires and what the world tells us. man that was a long and meaty sentence, but i hope you understood it.

anyways, that was me ranting and not really writing about what i intended to write about today. i intended to write on how our selfishness tends to take us away from what we're meant to be. wait, was it? man. this is bad because i totally wrote that rts on my previous post to tell me what to write about this time.. but i forgot WHAT about selfishness i was going to write about. oh well.

on to different issues i guess.

so i just watched shutter island with a group of friends. and i will not give away things about the plot that may ruin it for any readers, but i just wanted to make a claim about myself and how i'm affected by movies. movies really emotionally influence me. is that just me, or does everyone? like seriously, during and even after the movie, my emotions are seriously what the movie was trying to evoke in me... hmm, i mean that i'm seriously feeling anger if someone very "protagonist"-ic dies in the movie, or if the director is trying to evoke an emotion of confusion, then i'm definitely feeling it, unless he totally sucked at doing it that time. and i kinda don't like it because of the neukkeem or feeling (overall) of that movie was kinda dark, eerie, and confusing then i'm feeling it not only during the movie but AFTER. i hate it! haha you guys can laugh at me, and i can laugh at myself even now, but i'm not laughing during or after that movie unless it was pure comedy.

CLICK is a good example, because that movie seriously evokes like 100 different emotions some parts 10 different and others just 1 emotion. but really, at the end i was feeling sad, angry, happy, amused, etc... weird, huh? anyways. i'm done with that.

oh yeah and one thing that was super... eh about that movie was literally 90% of the movie, someone was smoking a something. whether it be a cigarette, cigar, or pipe SOMEONE was smoking. and you have to imagine for a person like me who is still in the process of quitting, how annoyed i felt. haha, most people would just be bothered or like "oh interesting that movie had a lot of cigarettes", but for me i was like AHH I WANT ONE! GIMME GIMME! i don't care if they're laced or anything! haha. jk. well, kinda. but yeah, today's day 20 of being clean. only 10 more days and i'm free? will i keep not smoking? i really hope that i don't relapse. really, really. but i still want one... DAHH. JESUS.

prayer is important people. pray.

-ajc