the shack..

"Breathe in me... deep
That I might breathe... and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give

Come kiss me wind and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is dgone

And no one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each other's arms
Except the One who blew the breath
That hides me safe from harm

Come kiss me wind and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone."

-Missy

the shack was a good book. i did NOT expect it to be the way that it was. because what i expected (after a recommendation from a few friends) was that it was going to be another Christian inspirational that i started to grow sick of. however, it was much of the opposite (well, not polar opposite). it was just that it was more of a simple recollection-type testimony of a man who was Christian at heart, but struggled with much of the secular things of the world as well as a battle with the flesh. i loved it because i could relate to his struggles, especially at the current state that i am in. in great question of God, his relationalness, power, and sovereignty. not to say that all of that has blown away without question, but there was a big chip at the negative iceberg of my spiritual life. so i also highly recommend this book to many who question the many aspects of God and His lack of help with all of the pain in this world.

moving along to a little more personal issues.

i really, REALLY hate myself in the sense that i have so many things to say in this post while i'm walking around campus and in-school and by the time i get around to posting (which is usually at night, when i'm all settled in mind), i forget it all. or i forget the way that i envisioned the post, so i just screw it and throw all those ideas down the gutter. and because of this part of myself, i chose to post closer to the middle of the day when i can at least retain some ideas in my mind. but i guess later on, i'm going to have to make use of my moleskine and jot as ideas, occurrences, and revelations come to mind.

so i did announce on this blogspot that i had officially quit smoking when i arrived in the US from korea. however, it's been a big struggle and i've failed... many times. i realized the ruminations that ran through my mind (about smoking) was that i had only made it a habit and not that i was actually addicted.. however, after much thought and struggle, i have come to the realization and am now admitting to you that i am addicted. i can't help it and i am someone who is in need of a lot of help, and hopefully prayer. it ain't no joke. just as pornography, masturbation, games, clothes, food, computer, facebook can be our ties and fleshly addictions to the world, smoking is much of the same. i can't exactly vouch for it being any lesser or more of an addiction, but everything is a sin in a sense. and this is one of my many vices that i wish to admit and hope to get helped out of.

also, going back a little, because i thought that it was just a minor habit and something that i could quickly overcome, i had only asked a few close friends to keep me accountable. but seeing that it has become more.. or is more, has led me to conclude that i need a big support group of friends that are willing to share their struggles so that we are all able to help keep each other accountable and sharpen one another.

also, seeing and examining myself in this light has also led me to know, in confirmation, that i am a very weak person and prone to fall into many temptations - probably more so than others... i swear. it may just be me thinking too much, but i'm pretty sure that i'm prone to fail a lot faster than others.. at least in my current state... that's why i praise those who are so conservative and restricting on themselves about letting themselves go anywhere near temptation and the places where they often occur. i just wish i could be like that, but it's kind of not me. which is also why i believe that i need to surround myself with people stronger than me, in terms of conservativeness. also, i need to be more rested in God - which at this point is the hardest thing for me. i just can't get the idea that if you really just try and make that effort on your part, that God is going to meet you halfway. i earnestly believe in my mind that it can work, but in my heart and soul i do not believe the same. in my selfish rebellion i believe that God can do nothing for me right now because i am so marred by sin and have been carried so far away.

i often recall the "eloi eloi lama sabachthani" that Jesus cried out to God as He was bound on the cross and reaching His final moments. Lord, why have you forsaken me, your son? I thought you loved me, why can you do nothing to save me... and i know this is definitely taken out of context and does not apply to me in that sense, but i recall it often and keep thinking in my mind, why is God doing nothing for me?

but now, more and more recently, i realize that He is doing much for me. He has surrounded me with such a strong, faithful, and God-fearing apartment that only has tendencies to splash waves of comfort and encouragement to me. it's weird. i kind of like it. however, i still do look at them in the eyes as i smoke and feel the eyes of judgment upon me. i know it's more me being paranoid than anything, but yeah. i shouldn't feel that way. i know it's eyes of care and hope.

i have also come to a great realization that many of us are struggling in our faiths so badly in the same way, but with different situations. it's all in the sovereignty, love, and eternal power that He has over our lives. and i don't want to say that... ugh, i lost my train of thought. nvm. -_-

but yes, please. let us spur one another on to pursue God, His heart, and glory.. nothing less than that.

-ajc

i

feel myself slippingg...

who am i kidding, i am.

-ajc

confession

confession in the confessions.

sigh.

i honestly thought it was going to be straightforward from here on out: give up my old lifestyle, pursue the new lifestyle... but after talking to a friend today, i was forced to realize that it was much more than delete then ctrl + n (new). and at this moment, i can't even quite think of what it was that i'm supposed to be doing with my life because i'm half cracked-out due to being up late for a freaking photo assignment (bleh).. even though i love this class and how it's helping me learn so much about picture taking/editing.

i gotta be honest. i just don't know. i don't know what to do at this point, because i tried this and that... but really, i realized that i wasn't willing to give 100% of it all. after going through major redemption with my roommates.. twice.. and going to mt. soledad for intense talk and prayer (half in the rain), talking to a few people, going to bible studies and such.. i realized it's not a formula, there's no clear cut way of going about this. because everything that i did was unsuccessful... well i don't want to say complete fail. but obviously it didn't come out the way that i had wished for. nothing probably will... but MAN. i just wish that it could be clear cut and that i could get back on my feet already. i feel like i've had enough of this pain, heartache, indifference, and difficulty with getting my shit straight (excuse the language).

i know the things i'm doing are technically the right things to do, the right life to pursue, because that's what i've been told: to just DO IT and things will work out for the best. but i feel like if i'm pursuing it with the wrong heart or with the wrong ideals, then it's all going to be for naught. that i'm just pursuing recklessly and i'm just digging a hole deeper into nothingness. what is it? what do i do? i know i have the right goal in mind (i hope), but it's just about how to get there.

God. sldjkalkdjskalj.

i also realize that even though i've been blogging and talking to people more about my problems lately that i seriously suck at getting my thoughts across. like i'm thinking one thing, but something that beats around the bush comes out. i wish i was like VERY BLUNT people and just say it. honestly, i try just saying it, but it never comes out the way i intended. maybe i need to attend a speech class or more english classes... maybe learn some more vocabulary in general, i don't know. but i am person with very limited talents. or just a limited person. I DONT KNOWW!! :[

if i could write down here exactly what was on my mind, at least i could read it and not only understand myself better, but understand how to word my thoughts better. someone please be a mind-reader or translate all of my neuronal signals into real thoughts and words... then write them all down for me please.

i also wish that i was more bold with my words. more confident. so unconfident i am. boo.

there are so many things i wish to pursue, but how...? is the real question. i mean just DOING it sounds nice, but that's hardly a viable option.

somebody... no.. God. please help.

-ajc

geez

2 Timothy 2:22

"Run from anything that stimulates youthful lust. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."

i'm still trying. but it's really hard. i keep failing.

-ajc

are you ready?

to go off of my previous post... i am ready to write a hopefully-legitimate post.

my mind is EXTREMELY occupied with many thoughts and i feel as though i might explode and ooze them all out.. but there are just a few things right now that i want to get off of my heart.

first, i want to thank my brothers, the ones that God has surrounded me with to bring me to where i am (or at least where i want to be): down on my knees. i have been rebuked, loved, and brought to a point where i know that there is only one way to get back on track: (as sam said) do it.

just do it.

it's weird because today that's the only message i got from a good handful of people that i care for and who care for me. just do it. there's nothing else, but just doing it. go back to the first love that i once had with God the first time i met Him and had a true experience with Him, experiencing that love and being overwhelmed to the tip-top of my head with joy.

starting from breakfast, it wasn't hey you can get back into it, just pray and eventually things will happen. but it was to ACT. that it starts with me wanting and being genuine in this relationship with God and not hesitating or thinking about how to do it but JUST to do it.

then there was a message from a good friend who just said to do it and not care about what other people think... because honestly that was what was on my mind. what will other people think of me? won't they just judge me and think that i'm doing this for the attention or just selfishly out of benefit for me and myself? but no, when it comes to that relationship with God, it's just Him and me. there's no others involved (well, i worded that badly but you get the point). i need to just get back to Him and give Him nothing less but my all.

my heart is still struggling and i feel it, but one thing that i know that ended (or will end) it all was the love and care that i got from my roomies. the boys i barely know but really i feel that this relationship is that much more supernatural than just being buddies and living together and getting to know each other. my one roommate rebuked me out of love for what i did, what i was doing, and for who i was going to be. the words that were also just spoken: do it. do what you need to do. just do it. nothing less than hesitation, nothing less than i'll get to it, nothing less than maybe's, nothing less than building up to it. but just do IT. because there's no doubting God and His power to make things happen - no matter how hard, no matter how difficult. He can do IT, He doesn't need a building up to it, He doesn't need maybe. He will do it. i will do it THROUGH Him.

i don't want to sound pompous in my experience today, but i do want to be proud of my roomies, i want to be proud of this experience, i want to be proud of God. the author and perfector of this faith that I have received because of Him. no kudos to me. kudos to God for working through others, circumstances, and through me.

i wanted so hard to write about things leading up to this, but every thought and every word i pour out is being consumed by the now that happened and the now that i feel, which is His love. His joy. the joy in His salvation.

i just hope and pray that i will be a changed man. man of God. i hope and pray that no temptation will break me, because i, Andrew Jimin Choe, have God in my life. i hope and pray that God will show me more than i am ever capable of, not because it's all in me, but because it's all in God.

let these words not be of feeling or by selfish disregard or of the devil or out of pride. but let them be of God, for God, and from God.

i love you all. i love my apartment. and as much as i struggle to say this: i love God.

-ajc

desire

i have great desire to write a post. however, my mind is much too occupied at the moment to write a legitimate post. this is mostly because i put my all into what i write... most of the time.

anyways, many great steps have been taken to get back into the true walk. but i'm still very, very far. and i'm getting really, really uncomfortable.

*sigh*

let's take it a notch further, yeah?

i mean with all of the encouraging conversations i've been having. i feel like nothing can stop this.

nothing's gonna stop us now.

-ajc

sesame oil

is amazing. i love it.

anyways, i've been going through a lot of soul-seeking. and honestly, it's been kind of hard due to my lack of giving myself time to do so. but even amongst all of the busyness i can really take a self-inventory and know that my soul is in danger enough to cry out.

so i did.

i cried out to my brothers, the brothers i live with.

and it was good.

but honestly, i think this can be a major stepping stone for me in my torn apart soul - one that's been ravaged by the world and my own fleshly desires. i know that i need to regain my stepping, but it's been so long that i feel that it's too much and i really don't know where to start.

we shall see. i'm getting too distracted by my roommates. i'll get back to this.

-ajc

i quit.

i have officially quit smoking.

i picked it up strong in korea, did it up really hard there, and quitting cold turkey here. man it's already a struggle, because it's literally been a routine after every meal, every time i see someone, every "breaktime", every... just find a reason to and now every time one of those things have come up it just pops in my head: smoke, smoke, smoke, smoke. but i say in my head: no, no, no, no, NO!! and i win.

for that one battle, but this is a war. a war that i am determined to win, with every battle and temptation that comes my way.

i don't know why i picked up smoking in the first place. i always kind of liked the smell, the feeling, the look. it was kind of the object of my rebellion at first, but then it slowly crept and corrupted many little pieces of my perspective. knowing i could do this, i could go further and do worse things. it's all about the idea of compromise i guess. compromise a little here, then you're more willing to compromise a little more with other things. ugh. there was much compromise in korea. and a lot of it was willing and conscious compromise. i knew what i was doing, yet i didn't care and kept with it. like knowing the sin and doing it. CONSCIOUS SINNING! -_- i'm not proud.

brothers, and sisters. i have laid this as a confession and a wish for accountability so that if you see me doing anything shady or close to smoking or even if you see me around, ask me if i've smoked since jan 1st. this is a new years/new lands resolution and i'm sticking with it! the first resolution that i plan to stick with. let's have success!

great success!

-ajc

i'm dehmeluh.

Hacked by Zack

Sorry Andrew but I had to since you were signed on my computer..

Welcome back homes! Can't wait to spend our 4th year together as roommates again! :)

Peace! and I LOVE YOU MAN! not

I love you man? hahahahaha

-Zachary Kim