confession

confession in the confessions.

sigh.

i honestly thought it was going to be straightforward from here on out: give up my old lifestyle, pursue the new lifestyle... but after talking to a friend today, i was forced to realize that it was much more than delete then ctrl + n (new). and at this moment, i can't even quite think of what it was that i'm supposed to be doing with my life because i'm half cracked-out due to being up late for a freaking photo assignment (bleh).. even though i love this class and how it's helping me learn so much about picture taking/editing.

i gotta be honest. i just don't know. i don't know what to do at this point, because i tried this and that... but really, i realized that i wasn't willing to give 100% of it all. after going through major redemption with my roommates.. twice.. and going to mt. soledad for intense talk and prayer (half in the rain), talking to a few people, going to bible studies and such.. i realized it's not a formula, there's no clear cut way of going about this. because everything that i did was unsuccessful... well i don't want to say complete fail. but obviously it didn't come out the way that i had wished for. nothing probably will... but MAN. i just wish that it could be clear cut and that i could get back on my feet already. i feel like i've had enough of this pain, heartache, indifference, and difficulty with getting my shit straight (excuse the language).

i know the things i'm doing are technically the right things to do, the right life to pursue, because that's what i've been told: to just DO IT and things will work out for the best. but i feel like if i'm pursuing it with the wrong heart or with the wrong ideals, then it's all going to be for naught. that i'm just pursuing recklessly and i'm just digging a hole deeper into nothingness. what is it? what do i do? i know i have the right goal in mind (i hope), but it's just about how to get there.

God. sldjkalkdjskalj.

i also realize that even though i've been blogging and talking to people more about my problems lately that i seriously suck at getting my thoughts across. like i'm thinking one thing, but something that beats around the bush comes out. i wish i was like VERY BLUNT people and just say it. honestly, i try just saying it, but it never comes out the way i intended. maybe i need to attend a speech class or more english classes... maybe learn some more vocabulary in general, i don't know. but i am person with very limited talents. or just a limited person. I DONT KNOWW!! :[

if i could write down here exactly what was on my mind, at least i could read it and not only understand myself better, but understand how to word my thoughts better. someone please be a mind-reader or translate all of my neuronal signals into real thoughts and words... then write them all down for me please.

i also wish that i was more bold with my words. more confident. so unconfident i am. boo.

there are so many things i wish to pursue, but how...? is the real question. i mean just DOING it sounds nice, but that's hardly a viable option.

somebody... no.. God. please help.

-ajc