the shack..

"Breathe in me... deep
That I might breathe... and live
And hold me close that I might sleep
Soft held by all you give

Come kiss me wind and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is dgone

And no one knows that we exist
Wrapped in each other's arms
Except the One who blew the breath
That hides me safe from harm

Come kiss me wind and take my breath
Till you and I are one
And we will dance among the tombs
Until all death is gone."

-Missy

the shack was a good book. i did NOT expect it to be the way that it was. because what i expected (after a recommendation from a few friends) was that it was going to be another Christian inspirational that i started to grow sick of. however, it was much of the opposite (well, not polar opposite). it was just that it was more of a simple recollection-type testimony of a man who was Christian at heart, but struggled with much of the secular things of the world as well as a battle with the flesh. i loved it because i could relate to his struggles, especially at the current state that i am in. in great question of God, his relationalness, power, and sovereignty. not to say that all of that has blown away without question, but there was a big chip at the negative iceberg of my spiritual life. so i also highly recommend this book to many who question the many aspects of God and His lack of help with all of the pain in this world.

moving along to a little more personal issues.

i really, REALLY hate myself in the sense that i have so many things to say in this post while i'm walking around campus and in-school and by the time i get around to posting (which is usually at night, when i'm all settled in mind), i forget it all. or i forget the way that i envisioned the post, so i just screw it and throw all those ideas down the gutter. and because of this part of myself, i chose to post closer to the middle of the day when i can at least retain some ideas in my mind. but i guess later on, i'm going to have to make use of my moleskine and jot as ideas, occurrences, and revelations come to mind.

so i did announce on this blogspot that i had officially quit smoking when i arrived in the US from korea. however, it's been a big struggle and i've failed... many times. i realized the ruminations that ran through my mind (about smoking) was that i had only made it a habit and not that i was actually addicted.. however, after much thought and struggle, i have come to the realization and am now admitting to you that i am addicted. i can't help it and i am someone who is in need of a lot of help, and hopefully prayer. it ain't no joke. just as pornography, masturbation, games, clothes, food, computer, facebook can be our ties and fleshly addictions to the world, smoking is much of the same. i can't exactly vouch for it being any lesser or more of an addiction, but everything is a sin in a sense. and this is one of my many vices that i wish to admit and hope to get helped out of.

also, going back a little, because i thought that it was just a minor habit and something that i could quickly overcome, i had only asked a few close friends to keep me accountable. but seeing that it has become more.. or is more, has led me to conclude that i need a big support group of friends that are willing to share their struggles so that we are all able to help keep each other accountable and sharpen one another.

also, seeing and examining myself in this light has also led me to know, in confirmation, that i am a very weak person and prone to fall into many temptations - probably more so than others... i swear. it may just be me thinking too much, but i'm pretty sure that i'm prone to fail a lot faster than others.. at least in my current state... that's why i praise those who are so conservative and restricting on themselves about letting themselves go anywhere near temptation and the places where they often occur. i just wish i could be like that, but it's kind of not me. which is also why i believe that i need to surround myself with people stronger than me, in terms of conservativeness. also, i need to be more rested in God - which at this point is the hardest thing for me. i just can't get the idea that if you really just try and make that effort on your part, that God is going to meet you halfway. i earnestly believe in my mind that it can work, but in my heart and soul i do not believe the same. in my selfish rebellion i believe that God can do nothing for me right now because i am so marred by sin and have been carried so far away.

i often recall the "eloi eloi lama sabachthani" that Jesus cried out to God as He was bound on the cross and reaching His final moments. Lord, why have you forsaken me, your son? I thought you loved me, why can you do nothing to save me... and i know this is definitely taken out of context and does not apply to me in that sense, but i recall it often and keep thinking in my mind, why is God doing nothing for me?

but now, more and more recently, i realize that He is doing much for me. He has surrounded me with such a strong, faithful, and God-fearing apartment that only has tendencies to splash waves of comfort and encouragement to me. it's weird. i kind of like it. however, i still do look at them in the eyes as i smoke and feel the eyes of judgment upon me. i know it's more me being paranoid than anything, but yeah. i shouldn't feel that way. i know it's eyes of care and hope.

i have also come to a great realization that many of us are struggling in our faiths so badly in the same way, but with different situations. it's all in the sovereignty, love, and eternal power that He has over our lives. and i don't want to say that... ugh, i lost my train of thought. nvm. -_-

but yes, please. let us spur one another on to pursue God, His heart, and glory.. nothing less than that.

-ajc