this is the time for truth.
post to come.
*edit*
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her skies
i don't know exactly why i just wrote that, but it was the last thought in my head before i started writing. man, i wish i had an awesome voice. so superficial i know =/.
anyways, i've been realizing and coming to know a lot of things about my friends, people, life. i just have to say, truth doesn't come easy. truth doesn't always sink in easily either.
i can't say that i can judge anyone either. because that's exactly what stands against me- judgment. we are all human, we all fall short of the glory of God. every person has there flaws, their weaknesses, their sins, their negatives, their downs, and the list goes on. yet, i feel that we need to see the negatives, work on them, but don't let them bother you. in a sense, keep a peripheral on them, but see the greater picture of God's grace and His healing for you. so while we work on our weaknesses, we must sharpen the sword that God gave us- the strengths that we have, the things we CAN do. now if i put down all negatives aside, i can see a lot of positives. i just hope that it will never get to my head. but seriously, God gave us bodies to work with and infinite amounts of choices.
this is all a part of being human, yes?
now we gotta take a Godly perspective on this.
there are many things i know i need to work on. there are many things that i have. as for the putting it into action concept, i guess i kinda work in the aspect of do what needs to be done first, then work on the things can be taken care of quickly, then all the other stuff. when i do this, things tend to get done pretty well. but i find myself not moving anywhere. this is because once i finish all of the main tasks and easy things on the side, i feel that i need to rest. and that consists of basically an entire day. so how to make this work? PUT MORE HOURS IN A DAY! psh. haha if only, but then i would need more energy for a day.. and... well the list goes on. basically, x because it cannot be done. 24 is the magic number and 24 hours it will be in a day.
truth: priorities.
action: keeping them straight.
1st. know your priorities. if there is one thing that has helped me with priorities is keeping God in the center of your life. now, as a human, we can't exactly do that the best. but one thing i've learned from retreat is to keep God in the periphery of all things i do. that way it will be much easier to put Him in the center of my thoughts more of the time. this sounds kinda self-centered. but i find that the more i work on this, the more easier it's going to be having God surround all aspects of my life. always being in my thoughts, always in my actions.
2nd. with 1 in mind, go about your daily business. with God in my number 1-5, i find that i wont actually have to make Him a specific priority but always have Him in my thoughts and hopefully He will speak and work through me. i don't want to put God in a box and say HE will do this and that for me. but God loves me. this i know because the Bible tells me so. i just hope that by letting my mind be less consisting of "me" thoughts and more of "Him" thoughts more of the time- that He will guide me and allow me to be discerning of what He wants done in my life.
---selah.
now i know i can't speak truth always, because i'm human and it's just that hard. but i think it's really time to just cut the crap and do things truthfully. with truth from my heart. i don't want to be doing things half-heartedly, but living life in a manner that is both truth on the inside and out. have my manner be supported by the things that i have in my heart. can i continue to live a life saying that everything will be okay, but feel judgment on the inside? can i live saying that i love God and He loves me when i feel that i cannot love or be loved at all? can i live professing to be a Christian- a son of God- when the life i live doesn't reflect that? the life i live reflects nothing but confusion, restlessness, conformity, complacency, and "lovelessness."
i don't want to spend this post putting myself down, even though i know i deserve to be. i want to spend this time just cutting the crap, cutting my "two-life"ness and living the one life that God has planned for me. that i would just be able to be honest to myself and honest to others, always. be comfortable with myself, knowing my flaws. i know that it's going to be hard forming one life, because that does mean that i will have to mesh the good with the bad. let others see my sinfulness, let others see my flaws. i can't protect the inside anymore, letting others only see the nice well-painted outside. if you were too look at me as a house, i would be the mansion with the ugly inside, dirt and messyness everywhere.
if i were to think of this as a project. i would have to break down the roof and the walls, leaving the mess to be taken care of on a different day. the next day, removing the shallow mess that i've allowed others to see just through the windows, it may be a lot... but there's much more. the next day, remove the tough, stubborn stains that were made because i left the shallow stuff to sit for some time. the next day, going into all the rooms, through all the closed doors, all the closets removing the remaining filth not leaving anything out. lastly, i would go through the attic and the basement, removing all the things that hadn't been thought of for a long time, but things that are still considered dirty or excessive. the only thing left would be me (the house), and the foundation that it was built upon- God.
how am i to live a life without reproach? removing the filth on the inside that i so mindlessly covered, the dirt that i let sit for years, the tough stains that refused to be removed, and the minor (but excessive) junk that lie around. with nothing left but God as a foundation, i am left as an empty vessel, only knowing God and nothing of the sinful past that i left behind. we are called to leave behind everything for Him. for us, in this day and age, it's removing it. it can't exactly be "left" because we're so comfortable with bringing it with us everywhere we go. so we gotta deal with it and dispose of it so that it cannot latch on to every aspect of our lives.
funny, i've learned all of this before. and i talked about it. but no action was ever done. i know that i needed to remove... but i didn't know what or how to remove. but i realize, it's everything. so much filth has been spoonfed to me through the media, friends, and myself and it just became a part of me, a part of who i was. but NO!
i say no to you sin.
truth? the only thing that is truthful and left to remain. it's none but Jesus. how can i not understand.
*edit*
sorry i was kinda all over the place with this post. i'll get back to you.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Sunday, March 15, 2009
IndIEpendent Faith. (updated 3-21)
Coming soon.
But for now:
10then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed.
11He is " 'the stone you builders rejected, which has become the capstone.
12Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."
Luke 4:10-12
dang. i really want to write in this thing.. finals. djaslkdjksad
*edit*
man, it's definitely been too long since i last wrote in this thing. finals definitely destroys your priorities.. no matter how hard you try to maintain them. there were many a time when i had a chance.. and those times i felt like i had a lot of leighway(sp?) to write them. i think i did. i kinda just put it off and then put my priorities to my studies.. which i definitely neglected ANYWAY. haha, man. at those specific times, i think it was God telling me to vent.. annnnd i didn't listen. and now i sit here, trying to ruminate on those times when i had ideas to vent and to write. but now i just draw a blank. ssttuuupid, stupiiiid me!!
God, you are the ultimate judge of me. You know my heart, where it lies in respect to everything else that I interact with, ruminate about. Yet I know I'm not living the right way. I know because of my sin, how trapped that I still am in it. How self-righteous I feel, so many times. So sinful I was this past week, yet so sinful I am. I don't say this to sound like "oh this guy is holy, or something." But I mean it from my heart. I am so selfish, so self-centered. Is it really about me? Things I think about, like "is this whole world just about me? All that I interact with? Is there REALLY a God that I am a son of?" I struggle with many human thoughts daily. But in the end, the Lord always rebukes me of my doubt. I was made to have doubts, but I still must be assured of my faith. Not because of anything that I see, anything that I do/cause, but it's truly by the full (100%) work of God. 100%. that means that although He's given us many choices in our lives, He has determined our steps before we even thought it. Before we even lived through it.
Why do i say this? Because again, I've been reminded how human I am. How awesome He is in my life. That even if I don't worship Him with everything that I am, He can be completely independent of me. That He doesn't need me to do anything, even exist. Yet we need Him for any and every ounce of our being, in every step we take, in every day we live, in every person we meet. If it were not for Him providing for us, yet allowing us "freedom of choice", we could be doing nothing that we do today. We live this way because He loved us so much and He let us do how we do. I don't think this is exactly the gospel message, but it intrigues me that the gospel is evident in everything in life.
Now, i can go back to all my previous thoughts during finals about what to write about, but just the one key thing that i remember is what I mean by the concept of "indIEpendent Faith" that I wrote as the title. I believe that God has a new plan for me this upcoming... "phase", if you will. a phase that will definitely be unlike any other person's walk.
(man my mind sidetracked real quick. but it truly amazes me that with every individual, God has a crazy, crazy plan for them to come to Him. In His way with them, He has already designed this person to meet this person, go through that situation.. then ultimately be united with Him in the very end of things. Because of how HE did it. Not because of the miniscule choices that we think we make, because we are "oh so powerful." what I mean is, it's so beautiful. Faith. our faith. my faith. your faith. God planned your story, which is 1293199x different than mine. Yet it has the same MAIN IDEA in it, which is: the gospel message, the good news. although our lives are so intricately different, our circumstances different, our drive is the same, our ultimate life message goal (if we truly, Truly believe) is the same. 100%. because that's who God is 100% the same, for everyone)
i digress... man I'm so bad at this.. this is why I freakin have such long posts.. hahha.
but as for me. i must truly believe and be independent of others in my faith. my ultimate source of dependency should be on God. i can't depend on even those around me, even though i AM surrounded by a body of believers. we are all human, we make mistakes. yet, i believe that what God has in store for me IS a little different. i mean, don't get me wrong, i won't be shutting people out of my life. but i truly believe that it is in God's plan for me to rely that much more on Him, and less on others as well as myself. that the only faith i can really have, is in Him. the Word that He has given and designed for us (to understand a small, small amount of His love, His glory) to have as assurance of His Son's return. God is a God of infinite Words. but these words are of infinite truth. infinite Wisdom. infinite. and it is the ONLY thing we can truly believe in, as much as I can believe that you are a man/woman of God. He is God.
i have so much jumbled in my head. and i think what He means for me is to clear it all out. all that junk, and just set my sights upon Him. set my sights upon His praise. never looking to another way (as the song says). God has wonderful plans for me, yet if i sit in my life thinking about all that "life" and what the world holds for mememememme, then i'll never get it right. i must put everything aside. everything. He is the only thing that is holding me in place, yes with other factors He placed in this earth, but it's all Him.
now what I don't know is exactly He's going to do that. His plans are obviously of things I can't comprehend, but i know it's going to be different. it's going to be unlike any other genre that you can explain. it's going to be indie. an indie kind of faith. now don't get offended by me if i start acting weird around you, which is probably something i don't think i will do. but if the Lord is leading me to do something, it's gotta be. ahhaa, man i sound like i'm some special guy on some special mission. i mean i am. but it's not going to be crazy... i don't think. i just want to live in as much obedience as can be. i want it to be nothing of me, though. i want it to be all Him.
To You, and to You alone be the glory.
-ajc
But for now:
10then know this, you and all the people of Israel: It is by the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, whom you crucified but whom God raised from the dead, that this man stands before you healed.
11He is " 'the stone you builders rejected, which has become the capstone.
12Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved."
Luke 4:10-12
dang. i really want to write in this thing.. finals. djaslkdjksad
*edit*
man, it's definitely been too long since i last wrote in this thing. finals definitely destroys your priorities.. no matter how hard you try to maintain them. there were many a time when i had a chance.. and those times i felt like i had a lot of leighway(sp?) to write them. i think i did. i kinda just put it off and then put my priorities to my studies.. which i definitely neglected ANYWAY. haha, man. at those specific times, i think it was God telling me to vent.. annnnd i didn't listen. and now i sit here, trying to ruminate on those times when i had ideas to vent and to write. but now i just draw a blank. ssttuuupid, stupiiiid me!!
God, you are the ultimate judge of me. You know my heart, where it lies in respect to everything else that I interact with, ruminate about. Yet I know I'm not living the right way. I know because of my sin, how trapped that I still am in it. How self-righteous I feel, so many times. So sinful I was this past week, yet so sinful I am. I don't say this to sound like "oh this guy is holy, or something." But I mean it from my heart. I am so selfish, so self-centered. Is it really about me? Things I think about, like "is this whole world just about me? All that I interact with? Is there REALLY a God that I am a son of?" I struggle with many human thoughts daily. But in the end, the Lord always rebukes me of my doubt. I was made to have doubts, but I still must be assured of my faith. Not because of anything that I see, anything that I do/cause, but it's truly by the full (100%) work of God. 100%. that means that although He's given us many choices in our lives, He has determined our steps before we even thought it. Before we even lived through it.
Why do i say this? Because again, I've been reminded how human I am. How awesome He is in my life. That even if I don't worship Him with everything that I am, He can be completely independent of me. That He doesn't need me to do anything, even exist. Yet we need Him for any and every ounce of our being, in every step we take, in every day we live, in every person we meet. If it were not for Him providing for us, yet allowing us "freedom of choice", we could be doing nothing that we do today. We live this way because He loved us so much and He let us do how we do. I don't think this is exactly the gospel message, but it intrigues me that the gospel is evident in everything in life.
Now, i can go back to all my previous thoughts during finals about what to write about, but just the one key thing that i remember is what I mean by the concept of "indIEpendent Faith" that I wrote as the title. I believe that God has a new plan for me this upcoming... "phase", if you will. a phase that will definitely be unlike any other person's walk.
(man my mind sidetracked real quick. but it truly amazes me that with every individual, God has a crazy, crazy plan for them to come to Him. In His way with them, He has already designed this person to meet this person, go through that situation.. then ultimately be united with Him in the very end of things. Because of how HE did it. Not because of the miniscule choices that we think we make, because we are "oh so powerful." what I mean is, it's so beautiful. Faith. our faith. my faith. your faith. God planned your story, which is 1293199x different than mine. Yet it has the same MAIN IDEA in it, which is: the gospel message, the good news. although our lives are so intricately different, our circumstances different, our drive is the same, our ultimate life message goal (if we truly, Truly believe) is the same. 100%. because that's who God is 100% the same, for everyone)
i digress... man I'm so bad at this.. this is why I freakin have such long posts.. hahha.
but as for me. i must truly believe and be independent of others in my faith. my ultimate source of dependency should be on God. i can't depend on even those around me, even though i AM surrounded by a body of believers. we are all human, we make mistakes. yet, i believe that what God has in store for me IS a little different. i mean, don't get me wrong, i won't be shutting people out of my life. but i truly believe that it is in God's plan for me to rely that much more on Him, and less on others as well as myself. that the only faith i can really have, is in Him. the Word that He has given and designed for us (to understand a small, small amount of His love, His glory) to have as assurance of His Son's return. God is a God of infinite Words. but these words are of infinite truth. infinite Wisdom. infinite. and it is the ONLY thing we can truly believe in, as much as I can believe that you are a man/woman of God. He is God.
i have so much jumbled in my head. and i think what He means for me is to clear it all out. all that junk, and just set my sights upon Him. set my sights upon His praise. never looking to another way (as the song says). God has wonderful plans for me, yet if i sit in my life thinking about all that "life" and what the world holds for mememememme, then i'll never get it right. i must put everything aside. everything. He is the only thing that is holding me in place, yes with other factors He placed in this earth, but it's all Him.
now what I don't know is exactly He's going to do that. His plans are obviously of things I can't comprehend, but i know it's going to be different. it's going to be unlike any other genre that you can explain. it's going to be indie. an indie kind of faith. now don't get offended by me if i start acting weird around you, which is probably something i don't think i will do. but if the Lord is leading me to do something, it's gotta be. ahhaa, man i sound like i'm some special guy on some special mission. i mean i am. but it's not going to be crazy... i don't think. i just want to live in as much obedience as can be. i want it to be nothing of me, though. i want it to be all Him.
To You, and to You alone be the glory.
-ajc
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Heaven Forbid.
I never really knew what that meant. "Heaven forbid". But I never thought about it because it wasn't a commonly used word.. at least not in my group of friends. However, it sparked an interest in me because as my ipod was surreptitiously going through shuffle, a song was sounding very catchy. Needless to say, it was a song called "Heaven Forbid" by The Fray. Weird thing is that lately I've been coming upon a lot of news related to this particular band. Intrigued, I continued to listen to the song.. and it kept repeating a specific phrase:
"Heaven forbid, you end up alone and don't know why.
Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright."
And reflecting upon The Fray, I heard they were supposedly a christian band, so I was listening to the song over and over trying to understand the lyrics. I have my own interpretations, but I think if I were to relate this (in the smallest sense) to the Christian life, then I would have to say that...
Actually, before I explain. I want to share someone else's interpretation of it that I found online:
This song is about a girl who--similarly to myself-- has spent the past twenty(ish) years looking for something everyone else has but she can't find. She compensates for her lack of love by going for random hookups, meaningless short relationships, and nights spent alone.
The singer is a friend of hers, possibly a guy friend who cares for her, telling her that everything will be okay. He slightly mocks her actions by saying "heaven forbid you end up alone" but you can tell he has genuine concerns mixed in as well when he says "out of this one I don't know how to get you". He wants to get her out of the mess of relationships shes in but doesn't know hoe. Also, he's trying to warn her that things that feel (temporarily) good isn't reason enough to settle.
-spanish_eyes
I thought that this interpretation was pretty interesting because if you try to relate it to the most christian sense, it kinda explains that this person with the concern is like a saved friend, guardian angel, or a Jesus-like character. And the girl in the story is another one of us, compensating our lack of love with meaningless pleasures from the world. Making out with lust here, adultering with the media there, etc. We spend our lives having meaningless immoral relationships with the world while God is standing there, speaking words of life to us through the Bible, or random people (who God uses) who have genuine concerns for us.
And we wonder why we end up so unfulfilled in this life. Sometimes we just have to take a second and just sit there and look at ourselves from an observers perspective and just get a tiny glimpse of how sinful and messed up we are. Take that and measure it ten-fold because it's probably how the pure, sinless father sees a fleshly human individually.. THEN take that and multiply it times... ALOT to just have a tiny idea of what God sees of this whole world. Man, I can't even comprehend that. How sinful are we? If it's under the idea that is unable to be fathomed by us, then I'm pretty sure we would die just from trying to understand it in a Godly perspective.
Now I'm not sure if you understood that. But it's just me kind of going off another one of my tangents... as usual.
but to move on to the second line of that chorus "... wait for tomorrow, you'll be alright.", kind of as spanish_eyes explains it, I truly feel that although we feel so dirty as sinners and as we try to understand all of the judgment that is reserved for us. It's like God or a pastor or.. christian friend telling us, just wait a little til I get to the next part of the Bible. And in the next part (New Testament), it's about God's saving Grace through His son, Jesus Christ.
As John 3:16 so plainly says it, He loved us sinful, undeserving beings so much that He sacrificed His son so that we could live and be with Him eternally. Now what a gift! For some who just feel so crappy about themselves, I can just imagine the people who are unsaved that feel so crappy about themselves or who are clinically depressed, will just end up suiciding or something. But they must wait a little, be patient, to see the beauty of the Cross. The beauty that we will not be judged, that we are proven clean, because Jesus died on OUR behalf. Just like that. And once we believe in that hope, that "tomorrow", then you'll be alright.
Man, I don't even want to give my own interpretation, because through spanish_eyes, I think I was able to see what was meant of this passage. Haha, actually I had nothing planned to say anyways, so thanks spanish_eyes! :]
Now.. to move onto the phrase "Heaven forbid". Because this song sparked such a strong interest in me, I had to find out what it really meant, so I looked it up on google and one of the first few links took me to understand that it means:
You say "Heaven Forbid!" to emphasize that you very much hope that something will not happen.
Now as spanish_eyes so graciously presented us with the idea that the concerned person says, slightly mocklingly, that "he" hopes that she will not end up alone. God, not so mockingly, hopes that we will not end up alone and will end up with Him in paradise. In Heaven. He just wants us to wait for the good part, the part where we can fully understand the gospel and what He means it to be for us individually. Now as we each come to understand God's heart for us, we begin to understand what our true purposes on this Earth is, which can be simply put as: Be doers and livers of the Gospel.
Man, what a lesson. I really hope spanish_eyes is saved, because if I just got this entire interpretation from a non-believer that's even more rebuking. Well, kind of. I just hoped that they're saved because .. well it is a hope that lies within my heart for everyone.. So I don't need to explain myself! :]
I really do like this song though. and I like the phrase! Heaven forbid! I'm going to try to use it my daily language now.. hopefully no one will think I'm trying to .. be amish or something. Oh! a puritan! haha.. err, I don't know.
Anyways, to end, I would like to explain the picture. No, no, no. It really has no relation to this whole thing I was talking about. Heaven forbid! (muahahhaha :]) It was just a picture that my mom sent me through an e-mail she sent me the other day. It was very encouraging because I really like those kinds of pictures, scenic-ish. I have a nice one as my background wallpaper right now, one day I will share with you all. ONE DAY! Muahaha I hog it all to myself.
Man, I am on crack. I need to study for finals... Ugh, if any of you are going through tough times, finals, or anything tough.. like this Christian life in the world...
Let's always refer back to the gospel.
Or my favorite verse works, too:
"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the LORD
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 40:29-31
AJA AJA HWAITING!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
God is sovereign.
He is.
Over all things He is.
I firmly believe that. Even as hard times come, and even as good times come. All for His glory alone.
Okay, so I realize that I write REALLY long posts, so I'll try to scrunch it down some and not let my mind vent (spill) out EVERYTHING that it consists of.
Today was Cafe Night for CCM and man, it was GOOD. I was so impressed by every single freshman performance, including the SOLID "Lifehouse - Everything" skit. Seriously, no joke. It was just as I watched it for the first time on youtube. I almost cried. But I'm a MAN! So I didn't. But anyways, ALL the skits were good! It seemed like none of them really noticeably messed up, except for me ;]. Haha. But it's not about me. I really just hope that God was glorified with my heart during that time, even though I was so shameful of myself after my voice gave out. Stupid NORAEBANG!
But seriously. Mini story. So leading up to the performance, I seriously did not think my voice would be able to do anything during the time of the performance because of the crazy noraebang day the few days before. Seriously the morning of performance my voice was ... still torn and shredded; however, by the grace and strength of God He pulled me through the practice that morning, the practice with Ben, and the performance... all the way up towards the end. That's where He showed me that I was still a weak little human and that I need Him at ALL times, or else I will fall. But anyways, PRAISE GOD! Praise God for giving us talents to share with one another, whether it be to play guitar, sing, act, speech, or just to be able to sit patiently and without remorse. It's all a gift from God. All the good things.
As for the bad things... that's our sinfulness. Forsure. Man I thought I was doing well with everything in terms of not noticeably (passively) sinning or just in general with my spiritual walk I thought everything was good. But it truly showed TODAY how sinful and human I was. I fell into sin hours before the performance and I thought to myself, there's no way I can do this alone. There's no way I can walk alone. The second that I do, it's sin right there.
And also, for the not being able to walk alone concept, we cannot live this life alone. It truly was evident when I heard of a certain passing away of a father. And the way that the person (whose father died) handled it was amazing. To believe and confess how sovereign He is even during the times when you want to curse Him (or at least I feel that I would've) is a very admirable trait. One that comes from knowing God all that more and having that much faith in Him. And that much more faith is needed in walking every day, every hour, every minute with Him because the cost of living a Christ-centered life in this sinful world is seriously a hard thing. Only through Him can it be done. Only. Him. ONLY! as in: just Him who can sustain us through the hard, difficult, perilous, painful, sacrificial life that lies ahead.
That life is one that I want so badly. It's one that I know I will treasure... it's one I'm working on. The Christ-centered life. God only you can sustain me through the craziest of times. Even the times when I want to deny you so badly. Even the times that I sin and hurt you so much. Even in the times when I'm in my deepest, darkest, lowest, most WHATEVER times. I know you are sovereign in my life. I know you are there, waiting for me with Your loving, patient, and peaceful arms.
Lord, I love you. And I want to fully mean that. Not the kind that says I love you 98 percent of the time, but the 2 percent I keep to myself. Not the kind that says I love you out loud, but don't resonate with it at all in my lifestyle. Not the kind that says I love you, but with strings attached. That I only love you when I feel that you are good to me. That I only love you when life .. is .. good.
Life is not good because of us. Life is not good because our selfish, self-centered, self-seeking sinful hearts. Because it only seeks after what the flesh desires. Only what the world puts out for us to feed on and be consumed by. We make life suck, ultimately. Yeah things sometimes come at random, but how many times is the pain ultimately caused by our own selfishness. Or how many times is it because we're so self-centered that when even a slightly hard time comes by, our perspective is so jacked up that we just blame everything on God. Take recognition on yourself, see where you're at with God. And I bet a lot of the stuff we struggle so much with is just soo miniscule compared to the cries of others living thousands of miles away from us.
What about the cry of the poor, nearly lifeless, malnutritioned child in Uganda.
What about the cry of the ravaged, raped, abused child in Thailand or Cambodia.
What about the cry of the man who must work 20 hours of the day to take care of his family in the worst working conditions, getting paid only a couple cents a day.
What about the cry of the woman who was raped by the vile terrorists with AIDS and is now pregnant with no idea of what to do with the child.
What about me? says 99.9% of the other world that suffers so much more than you do.
While you sit around complaining about how you missed that one test that you studied so hard for, or just failed, because you're so driven mad by the perfectionistic minds of your parents. What do I do now? you say. GET OVER IT. Do better next time. Are you even doing this for God? Or just to fulfill your parents' goals, your own selfish goals, to please others, to show off, or live that complacent, peaceful American Dream where it's completely self-driven. Where all you're headed is for your own glory, through your own means. How can we live such a selfish life that has no one else in mind but just within our protective little bubble?
How?
How?
How.
Now just answer that question yourself.
I know I'm there. I know I'm selfish. I know that I need God and that I should be seeking to glorify Him, yet I steal it all to myself. I know that I should be seeking to please His heart and not my own. But what am I, Andrew Jiminy Choe, doing about it? Next to nothing. I need to wake up. I need to snap out of lala land. How can I be more God-centered? How can I be more others-centered?
Well, let's start with not writing in this post for today, being consumed by it and to actually start doing something.
...
and on a lighter note, the "february" month of prayer fasting was for me today. I think the topic was Christians at UCSD. Let's start being God/others-centered by praying ferverently to God for His hand to be sovereign over this campus and over the christians here at UCSD and to move us to do whatever His heart yearns for.
Over all things He is.
I firmly believe that. Even as hard times come, and even as good times come. All for His glory alone.
Okay, so I realize that I write REALLY long posts, so I'll try to scrunch it down some and not let my mind vent (spill) out EVERYTHING that it consists of.
Today was Cafe Night for CCM and man, it was GOOD. I was so impressed by every single freshman performance, including the SOLID "Lifehouse - Everything" skit. Seriously, no joke. It was just as I watched it for the first time on youtube. I almost cried. But I'm a MAN! So I didn't. But anyways, ALL the skits were good! It seemed like none of them really noticeably messed up, except for me ;]. Haha. But it's not about me. I really just hope that God was glorified with my heart during that time, even though I was so shameful of myself after my voice gave out. Stupid NORAEBANG!
But seriously. Mini story. So leading up to the performance, I seriously did not think my voice would be able to do anything during the time of the performance because of the crazy noraebang day the few days before. Seriously the morning of performance my voice was ... still torn and shredded; however, by the grace and strength of God He pulled me through the practice that morning, the practice with Ben, and the performance... all the way up towards the end. That's where He showed me that I was still a weak little human and that I need Him at ALL times, or else I will fall. But anyways, PRAISE GOD! Praise God for giving us talents to share with one another, whether it be to play guitar, sing, act, speech, or just to be able to sit patiently and without remorse. It's all a gift from God. All the good things.
As for the bad things... that's our sinfulness. Forsure. Man I thought I was doing well with everything in terms of not noticeably (passively) sinning or just in general with my spiritual walk I thought everything was good. But it truly showed TODAY how sinful and human I was. I fell into sin hours before the performance and I thought to myself, there's no way I can do this alone. There's no way I can walk alone. The second that I do, it's sin right there.
And also, for the not being able to walk alone concept, we cannot live this life alone. It truly was evident when I heard of a certain passing away of a father. And the way that the person (whose father died) handled it was amazing. To believe and confess how sovereign He is even during the times when you want to curse Him (or at least I feel that I would've) is a very admirable trait. One that comes from knowing God all that more and having that much faith in Him. And that much more faith is needed in walking every day, every hour, every minute with Him because the cost of living a Christ-centered life in this sinful world is seriously a hard thing. Only through Him can it be done. Only. Him. ONLY! as in: just Him who can sustain us through the hard, difficult, perilous, painful, sacrificial life that lies ahead.
That life is one that I want so badly. It's one that I know I will treasure... it's one I'm working on. The Christ-centered life. God only you can sustain me through the craziest of times. Even the times when I want to deny you so badly. Even the times that I sin and hurt you so much. Even in the times when I'm in my deepest, darkest, lowest, most WHATEVER times. I know you are sovereign in my life. I know you are there, waiting for me with Your loving, patient, and peaceful arms.
Lord, I love you. And I want to fully mean that. Not the kind that says I love you 98 percent of the time, but the 2 percent I keep to myself. Not the kind that says I love you out loud, but don't resonate with it at all in my lifestyle. Not the kind that says I love you, but with strings attached. That I only love you when I feel that you are good to me. That I only love you when life .. is .. good.
Life is not good because of us. Life is not good because our selfish, self-centered, self-seeking sinful hearts. Because it only seeks after what the flesh desires. Only what the world puts out for us to feed on and be consumed by. We make life suck, ultimately. Yeah things sometimes come at random, but how many times is the pain ultimately caused by our own selfishness. Or how many times is it because we're so self-centered that when even a slightly hard time comes by, our perspective is so jacked up that we just blame everything on God. Take recognition on yourself, see where you're at with God. And I bet a lot of the stuff we struggle so much with is just soo miniscule compared to the cries of others living thousands of miles away from us.
What about the cry of the poor, nearly lifeless, malnutritioned child in Uganda.
What about the cry of the ravaged, raped, abused child in Thailand or Cambodia.
What about the cry of the man who must work 20 hours of the day to take care of his family in the worst working conditions, getting paid only a couple cents a day.
What about the cry of the woman who was raped by the vile terrorists with AIDS and is now pregnant with no idea of what to do with the child.
What about me? says 99.9% of the other world that suffers so much more than you do.
While you sit around complaining about how you missed that one test that you studied so hard for, or just failed, because you're so driven mad by the perfectionistic minds of your parents. What do I do now? you say. GET OVER IT. Do better next time. Are you even doing this for God? Or just to fulfill your parents' goals, your own selfish goals, to please others, to show off, or live that complacent, peaceful American Dream where it's completely self-driven. Where all you're headed is for your own glory, through your own means. How can we live such a selfish life that has no one else in mind but just within our protective little bubble?
How?
How?
How.
Now just answer that question yourself.
I know I'm there. I know I'm selfish. I know that I need God and that I should be seeking to glorify Him, yet I steal it all to myself. I know that I should be seeking to please His heart and not my own. But what am I, Andrew Jiminy Choe, doing about it? Next to nothing. I need to wake up. I need to snap out of lala land. How can I be more God-centered? How can I be more others-centered?
Well, let's start with not writing in this post for today, being consumed by it and to actually start doing something.
...
and on a lighter note, the "february" month of prayer fasting was for me today. I think the topic was Christians at UCSD. Let's start being God/others-centered by praying ferverently to God for His hand to be sovereign over this campus and over the christians here at UCSD and to move us to do whatever His heart yearns for.
Monday, March 9, 2009
Tweaks.
So I've actually been playing a little with my blogspot, and it's actually quite fun! Haha and it feels like it's beginning to get more homey.
Anyways, lately I've been feeling like I've been out of sync. Probably because things have been getting confirmed in terms of burdens and things to tend to. Also, things have winded down in terms of the content of the quarter... but now I gotta get everything down for finals. Ugh, my bad if I begin to neglect this thing. But one thing I really worry for and want to pray against is the spirit of complacency in the spirit of how I feel right now and also the spirit of "madness." By madness I mean that as finals and deadlines are fast approaching, there will be times when I will neglect my spiritual walk and let perfection set in and take over every facet of me. I don't want to be self-fulfilling prophecy, but it'll be hard to fight the idea that my studies are important and that I should be a good steward of my studies, but... I should ALSO be a good steward of my time. Time management is key. One thing I really suck at. But do you know what I mean? When finals come, it's like everything else becomes secondary. I'm putting God second. How stupid does that sound? But we ALL do it... or most of us! Or am I wrong.. haha. Anyways, it's truly where our priorities lie.
But let's see, things have been more and more interesting lately, I feel that God is definitely using prayer and fasting in my life as a key element in my personal walk right now. And this goes along with the idea of love that He's been teaching me. The simple concept we all know as unconditional love, which is something our fleshly minds can barely seem to comprehend and live out is something being burdened on my heart to apply. There are choice people that He's called me to love as well, and as much as it's a struggle (against my flesh), it's also a blessing that I see bearing much fruit.
And this just in! It has been brought to my attention (through God) that I must impart wisdom, encouragement, and rebuke to others through my testimony. There are many freshman (or younger people in general) that I see are going through the same struggles that I went through in my first two years here at UCSD. And straight up, God is using me impart what I've learned in these struggles and basically that I can relate to them, even though I'm an old fogie 3rd year. Man, I'm a third year. Next year I'm graduating when freshman are just really starting to understand why they're here, what purpose they are to serve. I'm truly encouraged that God is growing some people so quickly... my growth was a little on the slower side (says my impatience), but granted I am where I am today, thankfully through the grace of God.
This is it! This is it!! :]
One thing that has been tugging at my heart (along with John Yeo) is small groups. I know it's kind of late to be starting one, but I believe that it's through these experiences that I've recently been brought through that I was just being grown to humbly lead a small group. I've been praying, and I think this is it. There's no one else to step up and God has placed a burden within my soul to lead others back to Himself. So what other great way to do this than small groups? I mean, my initial plan was to start small groups next year, but hey if God wants to use my fleshly, sinful, prideful heart to lead others... may it be all Him and to Him be the glory. I will pray about this a little more and I will have to confront this issue once again. God's people are in need!
I really also just want to pray against the idea that my sinfulness will take over in leading this small group. Because yes, I am human. But I do believe that God can use me in any way possible, granted that it's His will. I want to pray that God will use me as an empty vessel to lead these people, may it truly be from this that I see God's sovereignty over all. May it be from this experience that I start the right way. The right way... how do I say. I mean that it would not be my pride, my selfishness, my sinfulness that gets in the way of anything. May any thing that comes out sinfully be dropped from their knowledge and may only good things (of God) enter their hearts and be used to lift them up.
Again, wow.
From a certain burden placed on my heart, I am going to do all that is in my ability to attend morning prayers and pray for this specific matter, which I will lable "Like a Rock." Until Like a Rock is resolved, I will pray earnestly and urgently for God's sovereign hand to be placed over it and take care of it. May I ask in full faith, knowing that He is in control and He only has plans to prosper this person, to give them hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). God, may You reign and intervene in this situation. May Your name be lifted high. Only you can make true change happen, only you can show this love. Only you.
God I thank you for your loving heart. I thank you for your BIG heart for us. For me. :]
May I be changed truly from the inside out and proclaim with full faith when I say, "I Love You Lord!"
-ajc
Anyways, lately I've been feeling like I've been out of sync. Probably because things have been getting confirmed in terms of burdens and things to tend to. Also, things have winded down in terms of the content of the quarter... but now I gotta get everything down for finals. Ugh, my bad if I begin to neglect this thing. But one thing I really worry for and want to pray against is the spirit of complacency in the spirit of how I feel right now and also the spirit of "madness." By madness I mean that as finals and deadlines are fast approaching, there will be times when I will neglect my spiritual walk and let perfection set in and take over every facet of me. I don't want to be self-fulfilling prophecy, but it'll be hard to fight the idea that my studies are important and that I should be a good steward of my studies, but... I should ALSO be a good steward of my time. Time management is key. One thing I really suck at. But do you know what I mean? When finals come, it's like everything else becomes secondary. I'm putting God second. How stupid does that sound? But we ALL do it... or most of us! Or am I wrong.. haha. Anyways, it's truly where our priorities lie.
But let's see, things have been more and more interesting lately, I feel that God is definitely using prayer and fasting in my life as a key element in my personal walk right now. And this goes along with the idea of love that He's been teaching me. The simple concept we all know as unconditional love, which is something our fleshly minds can barely seem to comprehend and live out is something being burdened on my heart to apply. There are choice people that He's called me to love as well, and as much as it's a struggle (against my flesh), it's also a blessing that I see bearing much fruit.
And this just in! It has been brought to my attention (through God) that I must impart wisdom, encouragement, and rebuke to others through my testimony. There are many freshman (or younger people in general) that I see are going through the same struggles that I went through in my first two years here at UCSD. And straight up, God is using me impart what I've learned in these struggles and basically that I can relate to them, even though I'm an old fogie 3rd year. Man, I'm a third year. Next year I'm graduating when freshman are just really starting to understand why they're here, what purpose they are to serve. I'm truly encouraged that God is growing some people so quickly... my growth was a little on the slower side (says my impatience), but granted I am where I am today, thankfully through the grace of God.
This is it! This is it!! :]
One thing that has been tugging at my heart (along with John Yeo) is small groups. I know it's kind of late to be starting one, but I believe that it's through these experiences that I've recently been brought through that I was just being grown to humbly lead a small group. I've been praying, and I think this is it. There's no one else to step up and God has placed a burden within my soul to lead others back to Himself. So what other great way to do this than small groups? I mean, my initial plan was to start small groups next year, but hey if God wants to use my fleshly, sinful, prideful heart to lead others... may it be all Him and to Him be the glory. I will pray about this a little more and I will have to confront this issue once again. God's people are in need!
I really also just want to pray against the idea that my sinfulness will take over in leading this small group. Because yes, I am human. But I do believe that God can use me in any way possible, granted that it's His will. I want to pray that God will use me as an empty vessel to lead these people, may it truly be from this that I see God's sovereignty over all. May it be from this experience that I start the right way. The right way... how do I say. I mean that it would not be my pride, my selfishness, my sinfulness that gets in the way of anything. May any thing that comes out sinfully be dropped from their knowledge and may only good things (of God) enter their hearts and be used to lift them up.
Again, wow.
From a certain burden placed on my heart, I am going to do all that is in my ability to attend morning prayers and pray for this specific matter, which I will lable "Like a Rock." Until Like a Rock is resolved, I will pray earnestly and urgently for God's sovereign hand to be placed over it and take care of it. May I ask in full faith, knowing that He is in control and He only has plans to prosper this person, to give them hope and a future (Jeremiah 29:11). God, may You reign and intervene in this situation. May Your name be lifted high. Only you can make true change happen, only you can show this love. Only you.
God I thank you for your loving heart. I thank you for your BIG heart for us. For me. :]
May I be changed truly from the inside out and proclaim with full faith when I say, "I Love You Lord!"
-ajc
Thursday, March 5, 2009
"Love" and "break" just don't go together.
Everyone has their own means of finding and attaining love.
I realized this after I saw some girl carrying around an entire bag of those candy hearts with the inscriptions like: Hug me, Be mine, etc. And it's the month of March. Another example, an acquaintance of mine has a specific way in which they are going to meet their one true love. They lay out a a very specific situation with very specific details about them. And they are so very adamant about it. How unrealistic I think to myself.
But how beautiful would it be to find that one true love with all of the things falling into the "right place." I imagine it to be the most fulfilling feeling in the world, knowing that all things went right and this person is destined to be the one.
I don't know exactly why I thought of this, but truly this has some way of relating to Christ's Love for us. Yes, that's it. That is what we should feel about God, knowing that every day of our lives were meant to be. That every step of our very lives have been, as we say "destined" to be, so that it all falls into God's plan. God our lover, creator, friend, salvation, and the list goes on... I don't know, but I remember feeling times of intense joy just because I knew that I was a son of God. I knew that I had the assurance of salvation. I knew that I was lucky to be exactly where I'm at. I knew that this was it. This was the life. The life that He destined for me, with one disclaimer: don't just sit there, but carry out His perfect Will for me with full intent of loving and glorifying Him.
God, thank You for.. being You.
I think the true intent of my writing in the post today was to reflect upon this "break" that I had since two weeks previous to this day.
This break, I kind of realized wasn't truly genuine, but one of selfishness and intent of being exactly that, selfish. I mean selfish with a reason (truly there is no good reason to be selfish, but hear me out on this one). The reason being that I had fallen so behind on the important things to God and to myself because of all the "work" that I was doing for Him. Or that I thought I was doing for Him. This life had become so monotonous, so.. ugly. Doing things will full reason to just do them and get them done. Yes, God's work is good. But not when it becomes work. If you know what I mean. The work I do, I truly intend to only do it out of love, out of true service and surrender to the One who has loved me so dearly that He poured out His life for me.
I don't know if you follow, but let me elaborate a little more. So there were many things on my heart, such as this fast that I have just started, studying abroad, possibly changing churches, plans for the rest of the quarter/next quarter/next year, and plans on what to do after graduating. I just had no freaking clue what I was going to do. And that really bugged me. Yet, I couldn't do anything about it because I had been, up to that point and beyond, "faithfully serving" and being a student. Truly the "Holy" work that I was doing was all for naught because my only doing in it was to complete it. How awful, how sinful, how selfish.
But now as I reflect upon this break, I can truly see the benefit that God gave me through it. Study abroad was cleared up, plans at hand had been cleared up, the fast had been confirmed, the church thing... still is a big prayer on my heart that is being neglected, the direction for praise team was bueno (good), and I could truly see the joy coming back again. The true killer intent of seeking God, of loving more and more out of understanding more of His love for me. It wasn't a service anymore, but an act of love. And I also started this blogging, so what a great benefit! Ah God you are so good to me. Pua ha ha.
So let it be understood that God can use even the most sinful of times (not to say to intentionally choose to have a sinful time) for His glory. Still for His name to be lifted high and above.
Oh yeah, and I'm kinda sorta ditching class to write this, but I still hope that the Lord is pleased through this (selfish) sacrifice.
Praise God! :]
-ajc
I realized this after I saw some girl carrying around an entire bag of those candy hearts with the inscriptions like: Hug me, Be mine, etc. And it's the month of March. Another example, an acquaintance of mine has a specific way in which they are going to meet their one true love. They lay out a a very specific situation with very specific details about them. And they are so very adamant about it. How unrealistic I think to myself.
But how beautiful would it be to find that one true love with all of the things falling into the "right place." I imagine it to be the most fulfilling feeling in the world, knowing that all things went right and this person is destined to be the one.
I don't know exactly why I thought of this, but truly this has some way of relating to Christ's Love for us. Yes, that's it. That is what we should feel about God, knowing that every day of our lives were meant to be. That every step of our very lives have been, as we say "destined" to be, so that it all falls into God's plan. God our lover, creator, friend, salvation, and the list goes on... I don't know, but I remember feeling times of intense joy just because I knew that I was a son of God. I knew that I had the assurance of salvation. I knew that I was lucky to be exactly where I'm at. I knew that this was it. This was the life. The life that He destined for me, with one disclaimer: don't just sit there, but carry out His perfect Will for me with full intent of loving and glorifying Him.
God, thank You for.. being You.
I think the true intent of my writing in the post today was to reflect upon this "break" that I had since two weeks previous to this day.
This break, I kind of realized wasn't truly genuine, but one of selfishness and intent of being exactly that, selfish. I mean selfish with a reason (truly there is no good reason to be selfish, but hear me out on this one). The reason being that I had fallen so behind on the important things to God and to myself because of all the "work" that I was doing for Him. Or that I thought I was doing for Him. This life had become so monotonous, so.. ugly. Doing things will full reason to just do them and get them done. Yes, God's work is good. But not when it becomes work. If you know what I mean. The work I do, I truly intend to only do it out of love, out of true service and surrender to the One who has loved me so dearly that He poured out His life for me.
I don't know if you follow, but let me elaborate a little more. So there were many things on my heart, such as this fast that I have just started, studying abroad, possibly changing churches, plans for the rest of the quarter/next quarter/next year, and plans on what to do after graduating. I just had no freaking clue what I was going to do. And that really bugged me. Yet, I couldn't do anything about it because I had been, up to that point and beyond, "faithfully serving" and being a student. Truly the "Holy" work that I was doing was all for naught because my only doing in it was to complete it. How awful, how sinful, how selfish.
But now as I reflect upon this break, I can truly see the benefit that God gave me through it. Study abroad was cleared up, plans at hand had been cleared up, the fast had been confirmed, the church thing... still is a big prayer on my heart that is being neglected, the direction for praise team was bueno (good), and I could truly see the joy coming back again. The true killer intent of seeking God, of loving more and more out of understanding more of His love for me. It wasn't a service anymore, but an act of love. And I also started this blogging, so what a great benefit! Ah God you are so good to me. Pua ha ha.
So let it be understood that God can use even the most sinful of times (not to say to intentionally choose to have a sinful time) for His glory. Still for His name to be lifted high and above.
Oh yeah, and I'm kinda sorta ditching class to write this, but I still hope that the Lord is pleased through this (selfish) sacrifice.
Praise God! :]
-ajc
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
The Fast Begins. Day 1.
Then sings my soul, my savior God to Thee.
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.
Seriously, how great is our God.
So. to really begin the post.
I've just started what may be the longest or shortest fast ever in my life. Really depends on how God chooses to answer. And I know He hears my cry, I know it. I beliiiieve it.
It all started with my friend, I'll call her Tatiana (for anonymity purposes). I think I met her at KCM and... probably through a friend or something, but we started having many classes together because we were both psychology majors. And over time I kind of got to know her situation: at some point in her life a few years ago, she was afflicted with a disease (or ailment/however you call it). This disease literally turned her life upside down; she went to see doctor after doctor to see what happened/what was going on. Up until that point (correct me if I'm wrong on any part of this story, it's just from my memory), she was fine and ate food as much as she wanted to and lived life... pretty much normally.
And my heart seriously BURNED for her. No. Not in that weird ooh lovey dovey sort of way, but in a way like MAN I gotta do something about this. It was definitely the Lord in all this. The Lord anointed that time for us to meet, hang out during/after classes, and for me to grow this irrevocable burden. But I was so immature at that time, and I had no idea what to do about it (this was about a year ago). So I basically just went along my business and festered in my immaturity for the rest of the year... up until the next fall quarter. It was THEN that the Lord started to break me. At church, we began doing a 40-day fast for The Call if you know what that is. And through that, numerous encounters, and the passage in Isaiah 58 about True Fasting, I truly started to realize that fasting isn't for me. Fasting isn't for me to grow personally, spiritually, to get more disciplined, to give up food that I was addicted to (at least for me), or anything for myself. True fasting, as it says in Isaiah 58, is for the sake of others (unless my fleshliness has been misinterpreting that this whole time). It's for others to be lifted up. It's for us to realize it's not about us. Yes, we're making a sacrifice. Yes, God can grow us through it. But the purpose is that we lift up other people's burdens/our burdens for others to God.
And man, did that change my life.. or at least perception of somethings on life. Haha. Basically, through the numerous encounters and this 40-day fasting, I realized that it's not about me. It's seriously about God, then others, then you. Just like that one ancronym. JOY (Jesus, Others, You). Don't attack me for plagiarizing! I don't know who it's from.
Soo... on with the story. Anyways, so once I learned this, I was like hmm.. maybe God can use me through this whole "revelation on fasting" business. And yes, as I saw Tatiana's ailment/issues getting worse and finding no legitimate way of healing, I knew this was it. There's no freaking way that she can be healed in the natural, it's going to be all God, and what better way to bring this burden to God than by fasting the same exact things that she cannot eat (any meat, cheese, any flour product, anything spicy/greasy/oily/fried/cold). Now everytime I eat, literally I think about the issue and pray for it, or at least think about it and feel the burden to pray. I truly believe that through this, God will hear and God will place His healing hand upon her. I know it's not going to be in ways that I wish for, or even in my timing for that matter. But I know she will be healed.
Oh and did I mention? It was seriously the most encouraging thing to see her everyday battling the sickness of her stomach straight up aching for every hour of her every day, not being able to sleep because of it, and seeking God through the Word and .. yeah. But man, I could see how God was seriously growing her in this situation. That's why I firmly believe that she is going through this, not for her glory, but for His alone. She is growing so that she can learn to lift God higher, and if it's going to be through this physical breaking then so be it. But I seriously tell her sometimes (or at least think it), "I wish I could take that away from you and make it my sickness." But man, do I not know a THING! In a sense, praise God that I'm not afflicted with the same sickness, because I would not be able to handle it. I'm a man who has no threshold for pain, I would cry like a baby, and ... God chose her for a reason. It's definitely good the solid group that she has surrounding her. God has surely blessed her.
I digress... sort of.
So in conclusion, I will have started fasting this a week after ash wednesday and tentatively ending it a week after Easter Sunday (depending on God). But this fast may possibly be indefinite (meaning no ETA or specific ending time). I'm really hoping and praying that this fast ends when she is fully healed from her ailment. This thorn in the flesh will disappear in due time. In God's time.
Just as the song goes:
In His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful,
In His time.
Lord please show me everyday,
As you're teaching me your way.
That you do just what you say,
In Your time.
..
Lord my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing.
Be to you a lovely thing,
In your time.
Haha, I just felt like writing the whole song, but MAN this post is long. Anyways, I won't bore you with any more posts this long anymore... at least I hope not.
Teach me Lord, Break me, Use me, Mold me to be more like Your Son.
Let it truly not be for my own glory but for Yours alone.
Isaiah 58.
I'm getting tired, goodnight.
-ajc
How great Thou art, how great Thou art.
Seriously, how great is our God.
So. to really begin the post.
I've just started what may be the longest or shortest fast ever in my life. Really depends on how God chooses to answer. And I know He hears my cry, I know it. I beliiiieve it.
It all started with my friend, I'll call her Tatiana (for anonymity purposes). I think I met her at KCM and... probably through a friend or something, but we started having many classes together because we were both psychology majors. And over time I kind of got to know her situation: at some point in her life a few years ago, she was afflicted with a disease (or ailment/however you call it). This disease literally turned her life upside down; she went to see doctor after doctor to see what happened/what was going on. Up until that point (correct me if I'm wrong on any part of this story, it's just from my memory), she was fine and ate food as much as she wanted to and lived life... pretty much normally.
And my heart seriously BURNED for her. No. Not in that weird ooh lovey dovey sort of way, but in a way like MAN I gotta do something about this. It was definitely the Lord in all this. The Lord anointed that time for us to meet, hang out during/after classes, and for me to grow this irrevocable burden. But I was so immature at that time, and I had no idea what to do about it (this was about a year ago). So I basically just went along my business and festered in my immaturity for the rest of the year... up until the next fall quarter. It was THEN that the Lord started to break me. At church, we began doing a 40-day fast for The Call if you know what that is. And through that, numerous encounters, and the passage in Isaiah 58 about True Fasting, I truly started to realize that fasting isn't for me. Fasting isn't for me to grow personally, spiritually, to get more disciplined, to give up food that I was addicted to (at least for me), or anything for myself. True fasting, as it says in Isaiah 58, is for the sake of others (unless my fleshliness has been misinterpreting that this whole time). It's for others to be lifted up. It's for us to realize it's not about us. Yes, we're making a sacrifice. Yes, God can grow us through it. But the purpose is that we lift up other people's burdens/our burdens for others to God.
And man, did that change my life.. or at least perception of somethings on life. Haha. Basically, through the numerous encounters and this 40-day fasting, I realized that it's not about me. It's seriously about God, then others, then you. Just like that one ancronym. JOY (Jesus, Others, You). Don't attack me for plagiarizing! I don't know who it's from.
Soo... on with the story. Anyways, so once I learned this, I was like hmm.. maybe God can use me through this whole "revelation on fasting" business. And yes, as I saw Tatiana's ailment/issues getting worse and finding no legitimate way of healing, I knew this was it. There's no freaking way that she can be healed in the natural, it's going to be all God, and what better way to bring this burden to God than by fasting the same exact things that she cannot eat (any meat, cheese, any flour product, anything spicy/greasy/oily/fried/cold). Now everytime I eat, literally I think about the issue and pray for it, or at least think about it and feel the burden to pray. I truly believe that through this, God will hear and God will place His healing hand upon her. I know it's not going to be in ways that I wish for, or even in my timing for that matter. But I know she will be healed.
Oh and did I mention? It was seriously the most encouraging thing to see her everyday battling the sickness of her stomach straight up aching for every hour of her every day, not being able to sleep because of it, and seeking God through the Word and .. yeah. But man, I could see how God was seriously growing her in this situation. That's why I firmly believe that she is going through this, not for her glory, but for His alone. She is growing so that she can learn to lift God higher, and if it's going to be through this physical breaking then so be it. But I seriously tell her sometimes (or at least think it), "I wish I could take that away from you and make it my sickness." But man, do I not know a THING! In a sense, praise God that I'm not afflicted with the same sickness, because I would not be able to handle it. I'm a man who has no threshold for pain, I would cry like a baby, and ... God chose her for a reason. It's definitely good the solid group that she has surrounding her. God has surely blessed her.
I digress... sort of.
So in conclusion, I will have started fasting this a week after ash wednesday and tentatively ending it a week after Easter Sunday (depending on God). But this fast may possibly be indefinite (meaning no ETA or specific ending time). I'm really hoping and praying that this fast ends when she is fully healed from her ailment. This thorn in the flesh will disappear in due time. In God's time.
Just as the song goes:
In His time,
In His time,
He makes all things beautiful,
In His time.
Lord please show me everyday,
As you're teaching me your way.
That you do just what you say,
In Your time.
..
Lord my life to you I bring,
May each song I have to sing.
Be to you a lovely thing,
In your time.
Haha, I just felt like writing the whole song, but MAN this post is long. Anyways, I won't bore you with any more posts this long anymore... at least I hope not.
Teach me Lord, Break me, Use me, Mold me to be more like Your Son.
Let it truly not be for my own glory but for Yours alone.
Isaiah 58.
I'm getting tired, goodnight.
-ajc
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Free..? Or slave to the world?
Well!
To start off, I am FREE! Free from midterms this quarter, until finals which are in a few weeks. I am free from feeling so stressed, so perfectionist, so tied to goshdarn mundane days where all I could think about was how I was going to budget my time with people, studying, eating, and qt. I hate putting qt into a time schedule. I really just want to do it because I naturally so strongly desire to learn His word and what He wants me to be convicted of that day. But with busy schedules, midterms, responsibilities, and... being human, it's all too hard to live 100% for God, when 99% of you is living by a schedule. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but regardless, let us truly live not as slaves to this world, but slaves to God.
These past few weeks I took a break from all the "responsibilities" I had, in terms of any work that I was doing in God's name (praise team, ride coordinating, etc.). The reason for my taking a break form these things were strictly to self-examine. "What do you mean by self-examine?" you ask. Well up until that point, there were many convictions on my heart to pray about, to DO, and to plan out. But my heart was so filled with doing this and that, that I had no time to get around to tending to these more IMPORTANT matters. And it's sad because these more important matters got pushed to the back of my mind/schedule because the overwhelming responsibilities that took up a majority of my week. And it was not that these responsibilities were necessarily bad, but it really came to the point that I was just completing the things for the sake of getting them checked off my schedule. And I'm pretty sure that THAT is bad.
(Back from a cooking/eating break) Mmm.. kind of lost my train of thought.
I don't know, I guess I really didn't like the idea of doing things for the sake of doing them. But now, after I've come out of this time of break or "hiatus" from all of my responsibilities, not only am I reenergized to face this sinful world, but filled with the Holy Spirit once again to fight the good fight that the Lord calls me to. And also, good news is that the many things on my heart to pray for have either been confirmed, gone through, or have been taken care of by God. God is good.
One thing that's been tugging on my heart lately is just how when while we are striving day in/day out to achieve our goals, a lot of times we lose sight of why they were even our goals in the first place. That's why I have a post-it on my desktop saying "Remember your goals... don't fall away." And to be honest, it's sad. It's sad that even for students like us doing the best we can in school often get lost in the idea of achieving that 4.0, fulfilling our parent's dream, or getting lost in the American Dream. Ooh mommy that American Dream. I HATE IT. Living on the idea that the only way to live is "successfully." That we shouldn't do what we were made to do, but just get the highest paying job, so that we can get the nice house, car, family, serve society through our jobs, go to church and be a "good person". But all for what? So you can live in a comfortable bubble, your kids end up growing up to do the SAME exact thing, living for and feeding off of the world. Such slavery.
We think that we're free from poverty, the hard life, struggles, and what not. But all that comes in a new level of hardship, complacency and lukewarmness. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live this way. I want to be FREE from sinfulness, from the world, from my earthly body.
But I was placed here for a reason, and for that reason I will stay. I will live out God's will for me, share the good news, and be a living testimony. May I die to myself, and live for Christ.
-ajc
To start off, I am FREE! Free from midterms this quarter, until finals which are in a few weeks. I am free from feeling so stressed, so perfectionist, so tied to goshdarn mundane days where all I could think about was how I was going to budget my time with people, studying, eating, and qt. I hate putting qt into a time schedule. I really just want to do it because I naturally so strongly desire to learn His word and what He wants me to be convicted of that day. But with busy schedules, midterms, responsibilities, and... being human, it's all too hard to live 100% for God, when 99% of you is living by a schedule. I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this, but regardless, let us truly live not as slaves to this world, but slaves to God.
These past few weeks I took a break from all the "responsibilities" I had, in terms of any work that I was doing in God's name (praise team, ride coordinating, etc.). The reason for my taking a break form these things were strictly to self-examine. "What do you mean by self-examine?" you ask. Well up until that point, there were many convictions on my heart to pray about, to DO, and to plan out. But my heart was so filled with doing this and that, that I had no time to get around to tending to these more IMPORTANT matters. And it's sad because these more important matters got pushed to the back of my mind/schedule because the overwhelming responsibilities that took up a majority of my week. And it was not that these responsibilities were necessarily bad, but it really came to the point that I was just completing the things for the sake of getting them checked off my schedule. And I'm pretty sure that THAT is bad.
(Back from a cooking/eating break) Mmm.. kind of lost my train of thought.
I don't know, I guess I really didn't like the idea of doing things for the sake of doing them. But now, after I've come out of this time of break or "hiatus" from all of my responsibilities, not only am I reenergized to face this sinful world, but filled with the Holy Spirit once again to fight the good fight that the Lord calls me to. And also, good news is that the many things on my heart to pray for have either been confirmed, gone through, or have been taken care of by God. God is good.
One thing that's been tugging on my heart lately is just how when while we are striving day in/day out to achieve our goals, a lot of times we lose sight of why they were even our goals in the first place. That's why I have a post-it on my desktop saying "Remember your goals... don't fall away." And to be honest, it's sad. It's sad that even for students like us doing the best we can in school often get lost in the idea of achieving that 4.0, fulfilling our parent's dream, or getting lost in the American Dream. Ooh mommy that American Dream. I HATE IT. Living on the idea that the only way to live is "successfully." That we shouldn't do what we were made to do, but just get the highest paying job, so that we can get the nice house, car, family, serve society through our jobs, go to church and be a "good person". But all for what? So you can live in a comfortable bubble, your kids end up growing up to do the SAME exact thing, living for and feeding off of the world. Such slavery.
We think that we're free from poverty, the hard life, struggles, and what not. But all that comes in a new level of hardship, complacency and lukewarmness. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to live this way. I want to be FREE from sinfulness, from the world, from my earthly body.
But I was placed here for a reason, and for that reason I will stay. I will live out God's will for me, share the good news, and be a living testimony. May I die to myself, and live for Christ.
-ajc
The Beginning.
Welcome.
On this day, Tuesday, March 3, 2009, 12:45am, the night before 2 of my midterms, I begin my blog as a servant of God. May this blog be an encouragement to believers, non-believers, all who struggle and dwell in this sinful world. God may you use this blog for your Glory.
Thank You, God.
Amen.
-ajc
On this day, Tuesday, March 3, 2009, 12:45am, the night before 2 of my midterms, I begin my blog as a servant of God. May this blog be an encouragement to believers, non-believers, all who struggle and dwell in this sinful world. God may you use this blog for your Glory.
Thank You, God.
Amen.
-ajc
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