beautiful, circle, smoke, rainbow, suffocation, light, bubble, art, affinity, balance, energy, power, stagnant, stuck, peace.

this picture can be seen in so many ways.

to me, it is an alluring asphyxiation.

no fb!

as we all know and say: facebook is the devil.
well, really it's not. but it's what it has become to me.

in my daily free time, it's facebook. in my studying time, it's facebook.
in my studying break time, it's facebook. in my time of "productivity", it's facebook.

the idea of facebook has me at its mercy, with it's most recent posts and who's writing on whose walls. man. why is the social networking world so addicting and cruel?

you can literally spend your whole day on facebook and sometimes even feel accomplished, but most of the time i feel horrible and feel that i wasted my entire day. ugh.

anyways, so now i've decided to stop facebooking for at least a week, just to know that i'm sane and reassure myself that i have a life outside of facebook. maybe i can get in touch with real-life hobbies again, like guitar. annd! i've decided to stop them 7o2s. both of these things just to know that i'm not addicted and that i can function fine without them.

we shall see how this goes. oh sweet facebook, flee from me!

-ajc

ps. i'll try to post pictures with my blogs just to give a little liveliness/flavor.

failblog.

haha i kinda like this online blogging idea. it kinda drives me to post and vent... to the few amount of people who actually read this(although it's sort of disouraging to some.. sorry =/). even though i can just vent to a journal... it's so much easier doing this on a keyboard. and i knowwww i could probably be doing this on a word processor or something, but it kinda feels like there's no point but putting a bunch of thoughts on a flimsy notebook. actually.. it's a moleskine, but anyway.

so i realized.. well kinda knew but actually let it surface onto the forefront of my conscious mind. buuuut yeah. i realized that every relationship that i have with someone is based off of trust. you trust them with certain parts of your life, and they share theirs in return. also, it's a trust that they have your back in many... if not the worst of disastrous siatuations. trust is such a hard word to say. i trust you. or i hope it would be hard for someone... or else they probably would be get taken advantage of.

and that's part of my next point. although trust is something that unites brother to brother or sister to sister, there are many times that one cannot live up to that level of trust... in essence, fail. now that might not have been the intention of the one person, but it happened anyway. and the breaking of (or failure to live up to) that trust ends up hurting the friend and the relationship. (or possibly the hurt friend might sacrifice themselves so that the relationship doesn't get hut, but that's not as common). also, to present an alternative situation, someone could have possibly loosely used that word or given that idea to the other person... but that brings in a whole other situation that i don't want to get into.

anyways. my point is that friends trust, people fail. and people get hurt.

but to expand on the getting hurt. it really sucks because the amount that people end up getting hurt really goes into their future relationships, thus causing this entire butterfly effect on every person involved with the originally affected person and so on...

meh, just took a long break from writing this post and lost my train of thought. hope it made sense. maybe i'll come back to this.

so maybe i was trying to get to this idea that it's now become hard for me to trust others now that i've been hurt by so many other failed relationships from other failed relationships. it's hard for me to trust God. it's hard for me to have hope.

Regret.. almost rugrat.

regret... is the ugly sister of lament.

i was just talking about this concept with one of my good brothers...
and in our lives, we do hold a lot of emotional baggage - much of that regret.

no matter how much you tell yourself not to feel regret or that you shouldn't be regretful of things in the past, you feel it anyway. admit it. it took me a long time to just swallow my pride and admit that i regret a lot of things in my life.

this whole phase of rebellion will probably go under my top 10 regrets, no doubt.

yet this whole regret feeling shouldn't lead us to feel so much self-pity as to a necessary drive for improvement. improve yourself so that you won't regret the next similar situation, or improve your attitude so that you yourself can deter the feeling of regret.
i'd rather choose the first one.

however, the ironic thing is that many people choose the latter strategy unconsciously.
and they build themselves to be cold, heartless scumbags playing with the entire world, leading innocent individuals to the dark side, and feeling no remorse for it.
though i say this, i do not leave myself out of the formula. i'm actually becoming the cold, ruthless bastard. yet i am trying to resist it so strongly.

i know that i don't want to be that person - the person i used to be in the past. don't let it come back. yet... the life that i currently live definitely does not help any part of this situation. i might as well give up. but i won't.

i genuinely believe that even though some people aren't christians, that they can live their lives to be good people. just for the sake of others, not for themselves. i believe that people can have the capacity for this. it may not be commonplace, but it's definitely not impossible.

i digress.

regret. i live with it currently, and i doubt i'll ever be able to overcome it - so long as i'm human and i constantly make mistakes here and there. in fact, i dealt with a huge regretful situation not too long ago, and my goal is not just to not let it happen again in the future but also to learn.


-ajc

learn and live. L&L

AID for AIDS - assisting individual's dreams© haha, so clever kevin... zack.

Thinking... thinking... overthinking?

today, i asked my friend: why do we think so much?
he responded, "You ok? Relax it's life. It may be hard now but it will get better."

not exactly the answer i was looking for, but it was an encouraging word nonetheless.

i can't think of a day that goes by without me thinking so much about one thing.
it's like my mind is racing a mile a minute, and it's hard for me to pick up all the thought pieces to really productively think. is it just me? ... i mean i see myself, even while i write this blog, thinking to no end.

my thoughts lie in the past and in anxiety for the future... to think about the now is uncalled for. and everything just happens while i'm thinking, so much so that i have to gather together what little i remember and to think about it. it's seriously an endless cycle and it's so hard to jot down.

i've talked about this same thing with a number of people in my life, but it's kind of just who i am. the life i live in the moment is autopilot, and i have to sit and think about other things while i just make decisions by instinct or random.

let me try to break this down... for myself:
i think. i think a lot. i think about the past and i think about the future.
my thoughts are in agony of the things i regret in the past, the joys in the past, and things i should be applying from the past.
my thoughts are also in anxiety for the future, expectations that are never fulfilled, thinking if they could or could not happen, and things that i want to happen.
the life i live is just taking things as they come, dealing with them, and hopefully being productive in the things i do. yet, that is it. i don't think smart, i don't think on the spot, and i surely don't think about every repercussion of the actions i'm currently about to take on.
i simply just do. - and yes it is sad, but true.
i'm so busy with my thoughts that i can't think during an action to make the proper one.
(i know there's a Bible verse in there somewhere that says something about worrying about tomorrow and/or the past. ecclesiastes? anyways.)
after i do, then i think about what i did when i could've been thinking about that during the action... ahah. man.

i say this because i don't want to be like this. i don't want anyone reading this to pity me or anything, but to just listen to me vent i guess. i don't want to be the person who constantly ruminates and lives in the past and future. i want to be the person who is actively thinking. thinking about the right things when i need to. haha no ones perfect, i'm sure people think here and there about the past, but not to the negative amount that i think. i want to change. i want to rid this from my being.

-ajc


ps. you really can't give people the benefit of the doubt. today was certainly the case. today me and my buddy were about to ride the ciy bus, but he had not yet gotten the sticker for it. and we thought ok, well if we tell the bus driver that he was going to get the bus sticker tomorrow anyway, andso out of the goodness of her heart she should probably say ok. however, that was not the case. she flatly denied us and kicked him off the bus. how rude. seriously how much is it to just let him on and off without a fuss when he is technically entitled to the bus sticker anyway. fuck that. people are definitely not cool.

i wish..

i wish i had the time and money to just cook whatever i want, whenever i wanted.

seriously. then i'd be making stuff like duenjjang curry jigae (my creation) ALL the time. it was delish btw.

no, but really. if i had any amount of money to just cook stuff for myself or my friends/family and all the time in the world to think up or just randomly cook stuff.. i would.

but anyways. i'm seriously playing DOTA too much, that game is from the devil.
NO MORE AHHH!

(this whole post is ADD random)

summer is seriously SO chill. classes, people, places.. you can seriously do whatever, whenever and still have time to stay on top of things. i love it. absolutely. that reminds me.. i have to do hw... soon.

i know deep down inside.. i'm really down. but i deny it. so much.

i've gone to irvine way too much this past few months.. i have a feeling i should be staying here in SD more and enjoying it.

i'm pretty stoked for korea. did i mention that? haha.

i need to get back into guitar.. it's just sitting there waiting to be played. ugh.

OK FROM HERE ON, NO MORE ADD.. stay focused.

no, but seriously.

there have definitely been a lot of things going on in this super random, emotionally sensitive, wacked out mind of mine. and it's really hard to sort it all out. i'm pretty sure that i'm not doing exactly what my heart is telling me to do because i just want to escape from the reality of things. something to that extent.. i don't think i'm depressed or experiencing any abnormal mental behaviors. although i do know that i'm pretty emotionally sensitive.. like i'll give in to my emotions pretty quick.. which i didn't usually do, but i'm really confused as to why.

maybe because things in life just ain't going right? i dunno. it's hard to pinpoint forsure, but it's definitely affecting all facets of my life forsure. it's hard for me to be motivated in doing anything, for example, meeting with people, getting work done, doing my errands, CARING about others, etc, etc, etc. all i care about is me me me and how i feel. i'm seriously just giving into desires of the flesh to the maximum. and i like it. for the most part.

but what i do know is that i'm digging a deeper and deeper hole within myself the more i give into my fleshly desires. yet, why do i do it? i don't know. i don't seem to care enough. i really just hope that post-college years will give me some perspective. because here in college, all i see myself doing is DEGRADING more and more, when i know i should actually be doing the opposite. seriously my sophomore - mid junior year is where i grew the most in my christian walk, then i just gave into everything eventually. i burnt out, and i burnt out bad. and i don't seem to have recovered either..

why? i don't know, and i want to wonder so hard why.. but i also don't. it's like i want to give a damn because i know i should be, but i also don't want to have a care in the world.. so i force myself not to. it's almost like (excuse my language) fuck it.

i know many people do care and probably many people are praying for me, but it's hard for me to do anything when i don't see God and the workings of His grace in my life. and i'm thinking that it partially has to do with me and my effort. but if He cares so much about His son (me), then why isn't He just throwing some obstacle in my way or doing something major to just stop me in my tracks and pull me back?

or is it all about this "choice" that i have to make to come back? i don't know. again, i wish i had this clear-cut so i could just follow and obey. yet this whole christian life is something i partially need to figure out myself with the Lord's leading. it's all guidance from the Bible, which is something i refuse to read refuse to care for. man i am pitiful.

Lord. if there's anything i can ask for. i know i don't pray to you. but please, please turn me back. turn me back with something BIG. give me a reason to care and fall back into your embrace, obeying your every command because i WANT to, not because i've been turned into some kind of mindless robot. but may i have a super experiential taste of Your grace. may Your hand envelope me and take me somewhere i've never gone before. may you just give within me a spirit of seeking after Your own heart. MAY I FCKING CARE.

*sigh*

i hope that meant something.

-ajc

random thoughts at a random time.

life. is pretty random.

the interactions we come across daily, the random moments we see clouds in super cool shapes, the random people you see in their moments - making mistakes, the joyful expressions you see when you walk around at a grocery store, even happenings on facebook are random (granted that you don't go on it 24/7). or is it all random? fate.

i have a quiz in 30 minutes that i basically quit studying for because i didn't feel like it anymore. and now i'm just blogging my life away.. "i... won't worry my life away" - so random.

on a random note, i've been thinking a lot about where i stand with a lot of things and people. in terms of things, all i really want right now is just to live. live like i never have before - even that takes effort. i thought i could just go with the flow and ease into things, but EVERYTHING enjoyable takes effort. so i'm making it, at least a little. and in terms of my faith. well that's definitely at a standstill, probably even a decline. but i really hope that it's... nevermind.

in terms of people, i see myself floating around everywhere to just be with things i find most comfort in. no rejection. and i know that probably won't keep me in check either - but whatever. i should probably get out of this mentality though, because if i go to korea only seeking whatevers comfortable... i'll probably end up staying in my dorm room... writing more stuff on this blog, or facebooking. how sad that would be.

so it's gotta be free-spirited with a little extra effort. we'll see how that goes.
haha i seriously am in this "eff it" mode.

btw. i gotta start cooking more. i'm wasting so much money at random food joints... it's sooo bad.