i wish..

i wish i had the time and money to just cook whatever i want, whenever i wanted.

seriously. then i'd be making stuff like duenjjang curry jigae (my creation) ALL the time. it was delish btw.

no, but really. if i had any amount of money to just cook stuff for myself or my friends/family and all the time in the world to think up or just randomly cook stuff.. i would.

but anyways. i'm seriously playing DOTA too much, that game is from the devil.
NO MORE AHHH!

(this whole post is ADD random)

summer is seriously SO chill. classes, people, places.. you can seriously do whatever, whenever and still have time to stay on top of things. i love it. absolutely. that reminds me.. i have to do hw... soon.

i know deep down inside.. i'm really down. but i deny it. so much.

i've gone to irvine way too much this past few months.. i have a feeling i should be staying here in SD more and enjoying it.

i'm pretty stoked for korea. did i mention that? haha.

i need to get back into guitar.. it's just sitting there waiting to be played. ugh.

OK FROM HERE ON, NO MORE ADD.. stay focused.

no, but seriously.

there have definitely been a lot of things going on in this super random, emotionally sensitive, wacked out mind of mine. and it's really hard to sort it all out. i'm pretty sure that i'm not doing exactly what my heart is telling me to do because i just want to escape from the reality of things. something to that extent.. i don't think i'm depressed or experiencing any abnormal mental behaviors. although i do know that i'm pretty emotionally sensitive.. like i'll give in to my emotions pretty quick.. which i didn't usually do, but i'm really confused as to why.

maybe because things in life just ain't going right? i dunno. it's hard to pinpoint forsure, but it's definitely affecting all facets of my life forsure. it's hard for me to be motivated in doing anything, for example, meeting with people, getting work done, doing my errands, CARING about others, etc, etc, etc. all i care about is me me me and how i feel. i'm seriously just giving into desires of the flesh to the maximum. and i like it. for the most part.

but what i do know is that i'm digging a deeper and deeper hole within myself the more i give into my fleshly desires. yet, why do i do it? i don't know. i don't seem to care enough. i really just hope that post-college years will give me some perspective. because here in college, all i see myself doing is DEGRADING more and more, when i know i should actually be doing the opposite. seriously my sophomore - mid junior year is where i grew the most in my christian walk, then i just gave into everything eventually. i burnt out, and i burnt out bad. and i don't seem to have recovered either..

why? i don't know, and i want to wonder so hard why.. but i also don't. it's like i want to give a damn because i know i should be, but i also don't want to have a care in the world.. so i force myself not to. it's almost like (excuse my language) fuck it.

i know many people do care and probably many people are praying for me, but it's hard for me to do anything when i don't see God and the workings of His grace in my life. and i'm thinking that it partially has to do with me and my effort. but if He cares so much about His son (me), then why isn't He just throwing some obstacle in my way or doing something major to just stop me in my tracks and pull me back?

or is it all about this "choice" that i have to make to come back? i don't know. again, i wish i had this clear-cut so i could just follow and obey. yet this whole christian life is something i partially need to figure out myself with the Lord's leading. it's all guidance from the Bible, which is something i refuse to read refuse to care for. man i am pitiful.

Lord. if there's anything i can ask for. i know i don't pray to you. but please, please turn me back. turn me back with something BIG. give me a reason to care and fall back into your embrace, obeying your every command because i WANT to, not because i've been turned into some kind of mindless robot. but may i have a super experiential taste of Your grace. may Your hand envelope me and take me somewhere i've never gone before. may you just give within me a spirit of seeking after Your own heart. MAY I FCKING CARE.

*sigh*

i hope that meant something.

-ajc