Thinking... thinking... overthinking?

today, i asked my friend: why do we think so much?
he responded, "You ok? Relax it's life. It may be hard now but it will get better."

not exactly the answer i was looking for, but it was an encouraging word nonetheless.

i can't think of a day that goes by without me thinking so much about one thing.
it's like my mind is racing a mile a minute, and it's hard for me to pick up all the thought pieces to really productively think. is it just me? ... i mean i see myself, even while i write this blog, thinking to no end.

my thoughts lie in the past and in anxiety for the future... to think about the now is uncalled for. and everything just happens while i'm thinking, so much so that i have to gather together what little i remember and to think about it. it's seriously an endless cycle and it's so hard to jot down.

i've talked about this same thing with a number of people in my life, but it's kind of just who i am. the life i live in the moment is autopilot, and i have to sit and think about other things while i just make decisions by instinct or random.

let me try to break this down... for myself:
i think. i think a lot. i think about the past and i think about the future.
my thoughts are in agony of the things i regret in the past, the joys in the past, and things i should be applying from the past.
my thoughts are also in anxiety for the future, expectations that are never fulfilled, thinking if they could or could not happen, and things that i want to happen.
the life i live is just taking things as they come, dealing with them, and hopefully being productive in the things i do. yet, that is it. i don't think smart, i don't think on the spot, and i surely don't think about every repercussion of the actions i'm currently about to take on.
i simply just do. - and yes it is sad, but true.
i'm so busy with my thoughts that i can't think during an action to make the proper one.
(i know there's a Bible verse in there somewhere that says something about worrying about tomorrow and/or the past. ecclesiastes? anyways.)
after i do, then i think about what i did when i could've been thinking about that during the action... ahah. man.

i say this because i don't want to be like this. i don't want anyone reading this to pity me or anything, but to just listen to me vent i guess. i don't want to be the person who constantly ruminates and lives in the past and future. i want to be the person who is actively thinking. thinking about the right things when i need to. haha no ones perfect, i'm sure people think here and there about the past, but not to the negative amount that i think. i want to change. i want to rid this from my being.

-ajc


ps. you really can't give people the benefit of the doubt. today was certainly the case. today me and my buddy were about to ride the ciy bus, but he had not yet gotten the sticker for it. and we thought ok, well if we tell the bus driver that he was going to get the bus sticker tomorrow anyway, andso out of the goodness of her heart she should probably say ok. however, that was not the case. she flatly denied us and kicked him off the bus. how rude. seriously how much is it to just let him on and off without a fuss when he is technically entitled to the bus sticker anyway. fuck that. people are definitely not cool.