insomnia.

why can't i sleep?

it's freaking 6am in the morning, but i'm so dab dab hae that i can't get a second of rest. i'm for sure tired enough. my body is for sure exhausted enough. what's wrong here?

i know i'm uncomfortable about something. but is that really it? can one thing get me going so much to the point that i can't give my body rest? how is it that one tiny thought in the mind can prevent one of so much mass and surface area of the sleep and rest that it so wants.

damn. that's how it is i guess. i guess you can argue that a man's entire body can be controlled by just his... hormonal private area. and it's pretty sad because it's true.

anyways. at least while i'm up i might as well make a decent enough rant.

i've been doing pretty good in terms of friends and family up until today. we've been getting so deep with our conversations that i feel like i know these people so well, even though i've just met them like a couple weeks ago. wow, just a few weeks ago. and! my mommy's coming to korea for the choosuk festival.. i'm pretty darn excited! we'll see how that goes.. i'm pretty darn sure that it's going to be very enjoyable.

being in korea, your heritage, is definitely something different than being a "korean-american" in america. i still feel like america isn't my homeground. but i mentioned this with a friend just the other day, and i realized you know what... i'm korean and i'm in freaking korea. this is ME. this is my heritage and this is WHO I AM. well, at least a part of me. my blood. you know how it is. i definitely feel much more comfortable with myself here. investing in the culture, the people, and the language much, much more. i feel as though i'm being more refined.

that korean language has GOT to improve though. shiet. i'm still bad at it. i can kinda see myself improving here and there but definitely i'm still hella far off.

*sigh*

what to write? what to vent?

although i'm still shaky in my faith. i'm getting much, much more encouraged to pursue a better relationship with God. i mean, i know it's definitely not even close to being there but i know that the desire in my heart is to be with God. to be enveloped in His presence. to know Him more and more each and every day. with every scripture that i read and reflect upon. i want to immerse myself in that. that love. that unconditional love. how can you not desire it so? i guess i was really put off by it because i was so jaded by so many things of the faith, but God is definitely not to blame. definitely. it's just me.

all in my head.

goshdangit. i need to sleep. but i can't.

oh well. i'll end it here.

-ajc

seriously. too seriously.

i think i've found a good group of friends here in korea. one of them whom can keep me accountable if ever there was a situation. i mean it's more because we're going through similar struggles and in the same area at the same time.

i didn't think i would find a group of friends that shared compatible personalities so easily, i guess it was kind of about time though - since it's about a month into my stay here in korea.

there's not too much to write about though, for some reason i feel as if i've run out of things to say. maybe because i've laid it all out there, and actively waiting for something to happen. really wishing for something to happen.

looking back in this korea trip, i'm really glad that i'm here enjoying the culture and slowly (but surely) getting better and more confident with my korean. i just hope that i'll be conversationally strong before the end of this trip.

it also may have seemed that i have pre-judged many people that i have come to meet, i think i'll just have to get to know them better over the course of this trippp!

btw, mommy's coming to korea for 추석? is that what it's called? korean thanksgiving? anyways, i'm excited :] seeing my mom going back to her roots and enjoying a good break back in korea in which she hasn't been here since before i was born (so +20 years) - it's crazy!! haha. too bad i can't show her my wife-to-be or anything... i think she may be getting worried about me finding someone... my one. that's something that never leaves my mind. i don't think it ever will.

i thought about it today and i was thinking.. man, i like being single.. but i would really like someone to be there to laugh at my stupid jokes, be there with me through the tough times, someone i can vent to or call anytime. even while i'm here in korea... i so, so, so want someone to just be there. haha, it may just be that literally every "true" korean here hang out in couples. they're everywhere... ALL doing HELLA coupl-y things. making me feel all the more single... *sigh*

someone's out there. maybe i should be praying for that. eiii.

-ajc

i want to write...

but i am much too tired tonight.

next time.

i'm writing too much.

anyone who's following me must be annoyed by the constant chatter of nothingness that i post almost every day. however, since i hate writing in a journal (because i'm too lazy, and i don't like looking at my messy handwriting as i write), i'm writing here whenever i have the thought or feeling to.

and as of now, i have one hour of break at the global lounge before i begin my 2 hour korean class, which is actually quite fun.. sometimes. haha.

so here i post, about the random nonthingness that comes out of this blood type AB mind.

i've been really thinking about the way i interact with people... almost always. it's always me doing the listening, and them doing the talking. that's how it always is. i mean it's not so much that i mind it, but it's that at the end of the day i know i need to vent.. which i guess is why i have this blog.

but for reason, i do feel that it is not enough to vent my heart out into a blog. yes, i do get the satisfaction that someone might've heard me, that someone might've given me feedback every so often. however, i feel that i need to be made accountable for my actions, that i should have a second (observer's) opinion on the way that i live and the choices that i make. someone, someone needs to hear me out and.. i don't know be there for me.

my mom can only do so much across the sea, and it's definitely hard for her to relate because we are going through completely different life stages. i guess that's why, when you're with you're bf/gf/wife/husband, that you need to be on the same level for you to understand each other. i mean yeah there may be gender-specific opinions on the way things may seem, but generally (GENERALLY) you can relate a lot easier and be there for each other.

and i'm thinking that's what i've been missing this whole time. that's what i've been seeking (but missing) to find. some kind of accountability partner or.. maybe a girlfriend haha. i don't think i'm much ready for the latter. however, if it comes i should be ready. in terms of the accountability partner, i've always searched and tried, but every time at least one of us fails.. or it just doesn't click naturally. and that's really what i want... a natural feeling accountability. i know things may have to be forced to become natural sometimes, but i feel that from the start, at least, there has to be some substance there to begin with.

i want that natural accountability. whether it comes from a random friend or a friend i've known for a while.. or even maybe a girl .. friend. girlfriend? haha. because i know that, if it's a good relationship that they'll care enough to hear about my random thoughts or annoyances. if i found that, man would i be majorly happy. however, that takes experience to build and gauge to really know who's right for you. it really does take committment i guess. whether it's a girl-guy relationship, or an accountability friendship. whatever it is. i believe everyone is in need of one. i mean that's why we're people. God made us this way to be dependent on Him and on each other. if someone is without that, it's very hard to live a God-glorifying life.

it may be why i'm struggling so badly with this faith on my own. i mean yeah, i need to definitely have my foundation set with my faith. it's seriously all back to the basics for faith, you need it and... you need it. and you need to remind yourself of it every day of your life. and you need that someone to be reminding you of those fundamentals as well as keeping you going further and deeper.

i don't know. blah.

-ajc

movies~

i just watched my sister's keeper and wow. it was a sad movie, keeping me either sad or very melancholic (if that's a word). it was seriously.. the whole time. i won't spoil the movie though, if there are any out there who wish to watch it.

the purpose of this post is not to write about this movie in particular, but about movies in general - at least my general feeling about movies.

and my opinion is: i love them. i think it's really cool how they give you an opportunity to immerse yourself completely into the world of that movie. now, i believe, that if a movie doesn't allow you to do that... then it's not a movie. i feel like the point of the movie is for you become a part of their world and experience the feelings that the characters are feeling and experience the most excruciating and most joyful moments with them as well. if the director, director of photography, and music editor (or whatever) cannot help you into this, then the whole movie is either bogus or a documentary.

i think that's why i generally have a positive opinion on most of the movies that i watch. it's not that i'm critiquing them on the story development or the camera angles, etc. but more that if you can allow the viewer of the movie become part of the movie somehow - maybe like a passive character in the movie - then you've done your job. and hopefully the story, angles, and all that will take care of themselves.... hopefully. but i don't know, i'm not a pro director or movie critic or anything, but i really think that that is the general consensus of most movie goers. and you have to have crazy movies like memento (which i like, btw) or shawshank redemption for those really critical moviewatchers.

anyways, that's my take on movies.

-ajc

the end?...

of a story of a guy named Lenny.

who Lenny saw in the picture was a woman that worked with him at his internship and a man that looked to be himself. however, the picture wasn't simply just a picture of them smiling and looking at the camera... but a picture of them nearly naked and making out in a hotel room. he didn't remember this picture... or this night. he remembered that there was a night where the company threw a company party, including all of the interns. he had a lot to drink that night. and that in itself was enough for him to realize what had happened in a night that he didn't remember.

how did someone take this kind of picture of them? well i guess didn't matter at this point because the point was that what had taken place many months ago did take place. and he knew that they didn't just end up dirtily making out... but probably all the way. and if it wasn't news enough that he, Lenny... the perfect guy, had cheated on his girlfriend, but he also found out later that this girl ended up being pregnant and was looking for the father.

and of course, at this point, it was all too late. Lenny needed to take ownership for what he did. even though Lenny was the perfect guy, one choice (a drunken one, at that) can lead to a number of regretful places to be. and once you're there, you can't take them back. Lenny ended up leaving graduate school, working as an accountant for some no-name company, and married the girl he had impregnated, Lina, to carry on with the rest of his life with much regret. although he tried to make the best with what he had, it just wasn't enough... because he was the guy who had it made. he was set on his life and knew that nothing could stop him there. no one else did it to him, it was self-inflicted. that is the sad thing. even when he was in his drunken state, he still had many choices he could have made differently.. even not drinking so much to the point of losing that self-control.

now i'm not saying this is a true story, or a story that happened to me (obviously not). but a story that came to mind just as i poured out my thoughts into the version of a story. it's funny because this entire picture of the perfect life took forever to make, but it only took a few sets of sentences to tear it all down. and that's just how it is in life. you could have worked so hard to build up a certain life with so many luxuries and well.. completely being satisfied with all facets (almost all facets) of life, but it only takes a few decisions to tear it all apart. now these decisions could have been made in the lowest, highest, or drunken points of your life, but the point is that you made them. and it's not like it's excusable or anything because you are left with the consequences.

and i don't even know what i'm to do or say because i am overwhelmed with a certain gratitude.. because of the many decisions that i had made wrongly in my best and worst moments... i deserved the worst case scenario consequences.. or even some of the worst case scenario consequences. yet, i came out with a few cuts and bruises but nothing fatal... nothing to completely regret besides the decisions themselves. i know that it was God that had protected me... no, spared me in my times of stupidity. yes, i am man and i do make wrong, fleshly decisions at times and it's only normal that i mess up here and there, but i know that i have sinned against my creator and gone way too far with a lot of things.

now is the time to start the change.

now.

so that no more stupid mistakes with their consequences can happen. or at least they can be much more minimized.

anywho, the time is now.

continuation...

of a story of a man, named Lenny.

and it was all as we imagined. too good to be true.

the vacation was going perfectly and everyone was happy and fine. to be an even better potential son-in-law, Lenny was the good guy and reserved 2 separate rooms for him and Reia. her parents would like that he thought to himself. so on the last night of the vacation, he planned to surprise her with a full candlelit picnic out on the pier. and as he was approaching her room around midnight, he noticed her light was dimly lit, but with moving figures in the background. maybe she's just walking around the place...

as he more quickly approached, but with caution, he heard voices that were kept to a near hush. it was Reia's parents with Reia... talking about Lenny. what could they possibly say about Lenny? wasn't he the perfect, model guy? as he was near the window, the faint voices came clear. they were mentioning things like i knew he was too good to be true! there was no way he could have been that perfect. or every person has flaws. and you could just hear Reia in the background sobbing, but trying to hold back the despairing wails. he was thinking to himself, no no no no way! there was no way that they could ever think that of me. what could i have possibly done?

so with anxiety that breached him from head to toe, clammy hands, and shaky palms... he decided to twist the nob open and come in. the whole situation spoke for itself. Reia's dad held with a fierce anger, her mom with a stressful look of betrayal, and Reia. oh, Reia. the beautiful features of her face had fled and left her with nothing but pure sadness that filled her face cheek to cheek. her wondrous, passionate eyes became eyes of opaque apathy. he knew it was over. but why? why?! and there was left a picture on the edge of the bed, near crumpled probably because of the angry grip that Reia's dad had held it with.

this is a story...

of a boy named Lenny.

before i begin, i would like you to know that i'm writing while listening to a bunch of yiruma. so if you find any mood behind this... it might just be the music giving me the mood of this story.

Lenny was your average boy, living the typical american life. studying to succeed, interacting with friends and dreaming that one day he would have that perfect family- with the white picket fence. he knew that he was different and knew that someday he was destined for greatness. but what determined greatness? thought this young boy named Lenny. was it being completely satisfied with life? was it having a lot of friends and having good relations with everyone? was it having your dream job, making lots of money? or was it to live a simple life, not too many complications?

as he went on with life, entering middle school and struggling with it a little bit... high school wasn't a different story. he went around trying to experience the world to find if the world could answer his questions. he also asked people, people that he had heard were wise... to his dismay, these strategies had brought him only temporary comfort and something to strive for, but eventually had failed. each and every criterion from his previous thoughts could help him understand greatness.

is this term "greatness" just too far-fetched for me to understand? he thought to himself. maybe i just need to experience life a little more...

so he went on with it. onwards to college, going to the school of his (and his parents') dreams. although he wasn't sure college was for him, he thought he just might find the answer to his all-consuming question... what determines greatness? maybe some experience in the independent life would lead him to his answer. so he lived his life in college. and boy did he live. he made tons of friends, joined lots of extra-curricular groups, got decent grades, talked to a lot of girls that he thought would be potential wife-material... don't you think he lived? i think so.

Lenny was the man in college. it wasn't as if he was known all around campus, but every person he walked pass smiled at him. and he thought to himself, maybe... just maybe this is greatness.

so he lived in this for his years in college, taking leadership positions with his dazzling charisma and getting good marks with any teacher that he had. he was on his way to a successful career in business. he even had a girlfriend. and this girl, boy was she the cutest girl on school. not HOT, but cute... because that's what more long-term is, right? her name was Reia. anyways, she had the best personality any man could ask for. loving, caring, can cook, cutest face and eyes, great singer, friendly but not too friendly, and always tries to find a way to make her boyfriend happy. they went out for 2 years and Lenny just knew in his heart that she was the one. his future-wife.

so Lenny graduated and was on his way to getting his mBA at Harvard. he took the test and got the top 1% score. he knew he was set on getting in, so he decided to take a trip with his girlfriend and her family, just to get on their good side. i mean, he was already on their good side since he was the "perfect guy"... but it wouldn't hurt to at least help it a little more, right? and so they took a trip to the Bahamas and had a blast. all the while during the trip he made Reia's parents laugh, smile, and even cry... in a good way. all the while, Reia seemed so happy with her boyfriend, Lenny. it was all just so perfect.

or was it?

ouch

And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me...'