insomnia.

why can't i sleep?

it's freaking 6am in the morning, but i'm so dab dab hae that i can't get a second of rest. i'm for sure tired enough. my body is for sure exhausted enough. what's wrong here?

i know i'm uncomfortable about something. but is that really it? can one thing get me going so much to the point that i can't give my body rest? how is it that one tiny thought in the mind can prevent one of so much mass and surface area of the sleep and rest that it so wants.

damn. that's how it is i guess. i guess you can argue that a man's entire body can be controlled by just his... hormonal private area. and it's pretty sad because it's true.

anyways. at least while i'm up i might as well make a decent enough rant.

i've been doing pretty good in terms of friends and family up until today. we've been getting so deep with our conversations that i feel like i know these people so well, even though i've just met them like a couple weeks ago. wow, just a few weeks ago. and! my mommy's coming to korea for the choosuk festival.. i'm pretty darn excited! we'll see how that goes.. i'm pretty darn sure that it's going to be very enjoyable.

being in korea, your heritage, is definitely something different than being a "korean-american" in america. i still feel like america isn't my homeground. but i mentioned this with a friend just the other day, and i realized you know what... i'm korean and i'm in freaking korea. this is ME. this is my heritage and this is WHO I AM. well, at least a part of me. my blood. you know how it is. i definitely feel much more comfortable with myself here. investing in the culture, the people, and the language much, much more. i feel as though i'm being more refined.

that korean language has GOT to improve though. shiet. i'm still bad at it. i can kinda see myself improving here and there but definitely i'm still hella far off.

*sigh*

what to write? what to vent?

although i'm still shaky in my faith. i'm getting much, much more encouraged to pursue a better relationship with God. i mean, i know it's definitely not even close to being there but i know that the desire in my heart is to be with God. to be enveloped in His presence. to know Him more and more each and every day. with every scripture that i read and reflect upon. i want to immerse myself in that. that love. that unconditional love. how can you not desire it so? i guess i was really put off by it because i was so jaded by so many things of the faith, but God is definitely not to blame. definitely. it's just me.

all in my head.

goshdangit. i need to sleep. but i can't.

oh well. i'll end it here.

-ajc