i'm writing too much.

anyone who's following me must be annoyed by the constant chatter of nothingness that i post almost every day. however, since i hate writing in a journal (because i'm too lazy, and i don't like looking at my messy handwriting as i write), i'm writing here whenever i have the thought or feeling to.

and as of now, i have one hour of break at the global lounge before i begin my 2 hour korean class, which is actually quite fun.. sometimes. haha.

so here i post, about the random nonthingness that comes out of this blood type AB mind.

i've been really thinking about the way i interact with people... almost always. it's always me doing the listening, and them doing the talking. that's how it always is. i mean it's not so much that i mind it, but it's that at the end of the day i know i need to vent.. which i guess is why i have this blog.

but for reason, i do feel that it is not enough to vent my heart out into a blog. yes, i do get the satisfaction that someone might've heard me, that someone might've given me feedback every so often. however, i feel that i need to be made accountable for my actions, that i should have a second (observer's) opinion on the way that i live and the choices that i make. someone, someone needs to hear me out and.. i don't know be there for me.

my mom can only do so much across the sea, and it's definitely hard for her to relate because we are going through completely different life stages. i guess that's why, when you're with you're bf/gf/wife/husband, that you need to be on the same level for you to understand each other. i mean yeah there may be gender-specific opinions on the way things may seem, but generally (GENERALLY) you can relate a lot easier and be there for each other.

and i'm thinking that's what i've been missing this whole time. that's what i've been seeking (but missing) to find. some kind of accountability partner or.. maybe a girlfriend haha. i don't think i'm much ready for the latter. however, if it comes i should be ready. in terms of the accountability partner, i've always searched and tried, but every time at least one of us fails.. or it just doesn't click naturally. and that's really what i want... a natural feeling accountability. i know things may have to be forced to become natural sometimes, but i feel that from the start, at least, there has to be some substance there to begin with.

i want that natural accountability. whether it comes from a random friend or a friend i've known for a while.. or even maybe a girl .. friend. girlfriend? haha. because i know that, if it's a good relationship that they'll care enough to hear about my random thoughts or annoyances. if i found that, man would i be majorly happy. however, that takes experience to build and gauge to really know who's right for you. it really does take committment i guess. whether it's a girl-guy relationship, or an accountability friendship. whatever it is. i believe everyone is in need of one. i mean that's why we're people. God made us this way to be dependent on Him and on each other. if someone is without that, it's very hard to live a God-glorifying life.

it may be why i'm struggling so badly with this faith on my own. i mean yeah, i need to definitely have my foundation set with my faith. it's seriously all back to the basics for faith, you need it and... you need it. and you need to remind yourself of it every day of your life. and you need that someone to be reminding you of those fundamentals as well as keeping you going further and deeper.

i don't know. blah.

-ajc