T - 1.

ever heard of that famous quote?:

it's better to have loved and lost, then not have loved at all

or something like that?

i have to say that even though i liked the television series, House, a lot... i just started to like it exponentially because of the deeper values that i have learned due to sitting on my ass and (slightly) mindlessly watching this series hours on hours without end. side note: i do wonder who comes up with these episodes, along with coming up with the side character development AND achieving many good deeper values than just the surface (obvious) values like love others before you think about yourself... blah, blah.

it makes you wonder, do humans (those who believe in God AND those that don't) have good intentions and good hearts to begin with? or i guess you could argue that they develop them as they go through life (hardships, times to worship or what-not). don't think about that last sentence i just wrote too much. because i also want to argue that the whole idea of people having good hearts to begin with conflicts with the idea of humans with a fleshly nature of being innately selfish. we were born sinners, to be like our Creator, yet obviously because we were given free choice and are kinda selfish.. we sin and destruct. i think i'm just thinking way too hard about this, but i'm assuming that there's just an overall balance of people's goodness as well as selfishness/evil desires. i don't know. anyways, the whole first part of this blog was just thought up as i was writing just now.

but the real reason i wanted to post was to ponder upon that quote. yes, i agree with it. many, if not most, do as well. but why do we believe it? is it that the sheer experience gained from all of this is better than to not "experience" that specific situation. hey, it could mean you're cowardly for not "going for it" with that relationship or whatever. but if you REALLY think about it, you don't love and lose so that you can experience a different side of life. you choose the alternate route of loving and losing in a different way, with a completely different approach. you choose to love and lose with the world, situations, etc.

i think that i agree with the quote by principle. but i don't agree with it in terms of practice - because the life i've lived so far doesn't agree with it. and even now, situations come in my life with friends, acquaintances, family, and people i would consider really close to my heart - such and such. however, i am not living by the principle because instead of going deeper or initiating a relationship, i shy away and choose to not deal with the potential hurt and pain. because i want this next relationship or friendship to be solid. i don't want to get hurt no more. i want for everything to be all good. yet, i see myself missing out on so much. i don't know... my life seems to be empty, not SO meaningless (because i know my end result is in God), but it feels like i want that partner. i desire innately a mate, yes, but i think you might be reading me wrong here. i really think i'm missing out on a true spiritual accountability where it's not all nice, not all direct encouragement, not all ... shallow. everything i'm living is shallow. i can't think of the last time i got "deep" with someone and gotten to the nitty-gritty where it starts to chafe on a few pieces of my heart. i can't even think if i ever have.. in my whole life. that sounds kinda sad, yes. and inside somewhere i kinda am sad. maybe it's accountability in terms of a best friend, girlfriend, good friend, family member, brother, sister, whatever. but i know that it's not exactly my approach to an accountabiltiy relationship or anything, but the way that in the way that i view friendships and such.

because let's face the facts here, i've admitted that i'm a people pleaser and that i subconsciously use having a good affinity with people to satiate me. in other words, my life contentment is based on how not lonely i feel. and when i feel lonely, it's then that i feel that i have no life purpose or anything.

you know, now that i think about it, i always hear about people loving alone time and time with God (just a face-to-face thing), and i even agree and say that i enjoy it as well. but i only enjoy it for a fragment of time.. then i start feeling lonely and lowly of self-worth. does anyone else feel that way? is that because i have no identity but with people? sdkljaldkjsakdjl

anyways. .. ugh i hate how my intentions to write in the beginning and the end of a post differ so strongly. because at the end of it all, i feel more confused. but i guess it's all a part of learning about myself.

this is really interesting because this is seriously like the 2nd to last post before i move over to tumblr, and i almost feel as if something profound is supposed to happen just because it's the CONCLUSION of my life... on blogspot. man, if you really think about it, i've written nearly 100 posts and you can really make that into a book and call it "Jiminy's thoughts on life" or something. well, if you feeel a little more private about your thoughts, then it becomes a journal. but i tend to feel very open about my thoughts, deeper ones included, because i feel that the very pressure of the possibility of others reading it makes me write more seriously than half-assing my way through writing a journal post just because i'm feeling obligated to that day. or "i should because i haven't in a while."

anyways. i think i should probably end this post here because it's starting to get long. maybe if i can, before my next post, manage to get my thoughts more organized, i'll write a fully sensical post.

-ajc

ps. i love you

bad days better

You have made my day,
even in stormy weather.
I'm dancing in all the rain.
cause you make bad days...

better.

today was an interesting compilation of events. i went to campus for no EXACT specific reason, but little did i know that i would be witnessing the teacher's "walk-in." it was a passionate gathering of students standing up against discrimination and i definitely felt my heart shaking as they shouted so passionately for their purpose. i for one wish that we could stand up like that for our faith.

which brings me to think about that man who holds up that sign "God hates sin" and something about repenting in a very strong, negative way. i mean yes i do agree that there is an urgency that needs to be brought up to people, but it can definitely be brought about in a more loving way. but hey, action is better than no action? maybe? actually, yes, i do believe that it is better than all of us Christians walking around this campus like ghosts, trying not to be noticed and going about our business - trying to graduate and hang out with just our friends, maybe "christian" friends to be more exact. something to chew on.

also, today i heard a message from Judah Smith at the One Heart conference in rancho bernardo. and what a shocker he was. the most unique style of preaching i've seen in a long time (aside from PT's always unique sermons, haha). but he definitely brought about the gospel message in a lovely light. bringing baout verses like genesis 48, with the crossing of Jacob's arms. i mean i don't want to ruin this message for you, because i don't want to use my inexperienced heart to relay this to you.. especially on this blog. i would much rather relay this message to you, in person. but man, i was definitely encouraged by God through this guy. if there is one thing, though, that you want to know at the very least, i would have to say: what we do in our Christian living should never be an initiation trying to do things for our relationship with God. but it should always be a response BECAUSE of Jesus' initiative. worship is a response, prayer is a response. who are we to initiate anything with the Lord, but it's Him who always initiates with us first. anything that we do on our own strength will only fall short with our faith being based on our performance.

2 Corinthians 5:21
1 John 4:19 - we love Him, BECAUSE He first loved us.

Grace is not us going to God,
but God coming down to us - through Jesus.

need i say more? i shouldn't. i feel like i'm ruining the awesome message that i was blessed to have witnessed.

anyways, yes! praise Jesus!

one thing though. today when i was talking with my roommate, i misheard something that he said, i immediately took it the wrong way and got defensive, responding in a really negative way. it's really hard to explain the situation because i'm not a good explainer, but man was i lucky that he didn't catch the negativeness that was very much pun intended.

but i realize that i do that, especially with people that i tend to be closer with. i get snappy and defensive when there's some kind of miscommunication or something that MAY have been able to have been interpreted in the wrong way. and i hate myself for that, but i feel as though it's something very difficult to change, because it just comes out sometimes. or maybe there is a way, and i just can't think of it.

i noticed this because in one of my past relationships, my (ex)girlfriend would have said something, let's just say with no connotation at all, and i automatically assuming that she meant it i the negative way to me; i would respond in a negative way; and whabam, a fight would erupt. this is not to say that i did this all the time or that this was always the reason for our fights. but it was definitely involved many times or in many ways of negative-ness. this would especially be bad when we're both very sensitive to each other's comments due to a previously recent fight, then she says something maybe with a slightly intentional negative connotation, maybe just because she was tired and there was a self-regulation/strength failure and she said it (sorry i'm getting all psychology on you) for the heck of it, but THEN i would take it in the super worst, possible case scenario and assume... then... well you know what would happen.

so i do pray and hope that God has changed this inside of me, and is still changing this inside of me, because i don't want any further broken relationships with friends, sig o's due to this.

anyways, have a good one!

-ajc

reach for the stars.

aii.. i wanted to write a post about... something.. but now it's 5am and i'm super tired.

well, here i go - i rant.

so today, my canon rebel t1i is supposed to arrive by delivery to my apartment. my knees shake with excitement - seriously. i've been waiting to get my own dSLR for the past.. 3+ years since i saw a dad at my church lugging that thing around and taking awesome pictures with it.

dream come true.

i already have my filters ready and battery pack/extra 50mm lens coming up... muahah you can tell that i'm ready for this. i've also been tracking the package nonstop since.. i ordered (which was 1 week ago) and starting 12am today, it's making its journey from LA to SD. hope it'll arrive soon!! weeeeeeeeeeeeee~ all i need to do now is buy the camera bag and i'll be smooth sailing from here. freaking, zack got his 7d and is making me mad jealous with his ultra-professional camera making all those clicking noises... haha envy, i do. i think buying too expensive of a camera would make me too on edge and .. really with the amount of experience i have i would be putting a waste on that camera.. it would definitely use a better and more professional owner than i. that's why i think t1i fits me and my semi-artsy, semi-knowledge on dSLRs. besides, i want to finish my photo classs sTRONG!

so... bowlings been going pretty goood as well. i sooo want to buy my own ball since, just yesterday at IM's, i bowled with THE most perfect ball i've played with in a while. the way it fluttered off my fingers and made rotations in that shimmery bowling lane was truly majestic. i wanted to buy it, but the dude said i couldn't, since it had "KM bowl" on it. eff man! so i decided that i will buy my own bowling ball ... soon.

man i've been spending a grip of money... which is why i'm really trying to find a job at starbucks.. be a barista!! lalala! haha man. people say they see me as a barista.. but i don't. i just like coffee. i just want to serve people and make some money doing it. a bit harsh to say it that way but i'm just going to be purely honest about it. man, i just know that it's not going to be an easy job, possibly working early mornings or late nights with lousy, grumpy customers just wanting their coffee for a daily pick-me-up. hopefully i'll get good at it... assuming i get the job.

i am also not looking forward to this next quarter... "officially" marking my last quarter here at UCSD (even though i'm going to be here for summer session 1). it's going to be one heck of a trip. and it's definitely already been one heck of a trip. i just can't believe it happened that quick. people ALWAYS say it happens quick. and you never understand til it happens. college is definitely the case. i'm at 3.7ish years done with the 4 years here at the greatest years of my life.. supposedly finding my identity, my future wife, and getting plugged solidly into a solid church.

so much for all of that. much of my own selfish self-journeys had led me astray and away from my ultimate goals. i mean, yes, i will be accomplishing what i was meant to here on san diego turf, but it was just prolonged... by a lot because i chose to be rebellious and not want to face some hard facts.

so here i am, still trying to find my identity, my future wife, and trying to get plugged back into my church. maybe it's all supposed to happen somewhere else - where i don't expect?

i sit here, next to my roommate, who's also posting (but on his tumblr) ruminating about college, about life, posting senselessly just trying to get my thoughts out on something concrete. i post to you, my blogspot community, whoever dare read my confessions - i dare try to be encouraging, but end up stagnantly writing nonsense, sometimes even being discouraging.

but i am trying. i am picking up. things are getting better.

OH! that reminds me.

i find that there is a big difference in your body/mind's attitude approaching a late nighter when you need to do it vs. when you want to do it. today was the latter, i just felt like doing a late nighter (+ zack wanted to go to vallarta's so i couldn't help myself and now i can't sleep off this unhealthy late night snack). today was just one of those "on" days when you feel like being experimental. i guess it was also because i started the day doing something i never do - donating blood platelets to red cross in escondido (FREAKING 30 mins away). yes, i complain. because i felt like i was doing them a service (2 hours of platelet/plasma donation) AND i had to do extra by driving an accumulated 1 hour just to do it. but hey, that's the selfish perspective. if you really think about it, people are in dire need of this stuff - mostly leukemia/cancer patients who can't rebuild their blood platelets, and blood plasma.. for whatever (look it up on google, i'm too lazy). and the san diego region is in dire need of it, which means patients in san diego are in dire need of it - tugging just a tad at my heartstrings.

and hey, look at the benefits i received: reassurance knowing that someone out there is going to use well the platelets/plasma that i donated, respect from the workers at the red cross (a little), good scenic views (to take pictures with my t1i) on the way, a hella good sandwich (hungry bears @ escondido), a free appetizer coupon for mimi's cafe, and some snacks/drink to give to my roommate. :) so many benefits for the little cost/time that i spent. thank you God for blessing me to be a blessing to another.

... it's 6am.. hello starbucks.. here i come~

-ajc

selfish.

selfish. i am.

you know, i wonder why they called it selfish. does it have to do with any fishy stuff? or is it named after a type of fish? does the root word have something to do with it? i don't know.. i really find that word kinda funny.

but the meaning of it is not funny at all. it's something i struggle with - something we all struggle with. granted we all struggle with it in different ways with different outlets. it's definitely going to be on our top struggles for the rest of our lives, why? because we're freaking prone to be selfish. because we "is" made of "flesh" - get it, get it? haha, mix those letters around and you should get selfish... i think. ugh, anyways. yes, we are human beings, naturally and instinctively going about ways to fulfill our desires. we just don't exactly know HOW to fulfill those desires, at least we end up not doing it in the right way. the world tells us to do it one.. well many different sorts of ways and that.. is.. well, how we end up being so selfish. but really, if from the start we were only taught the way God taught it to us and followed it, think of how the world would be today? but i guess that's how God intended it to be, that us with our free choice of will would make it that more precious if we made that choice out of full consciousness of our own desires and what the world tells us. man that was a long and meaty sentence, but i hope you understood it.

anyways, that was me ranting and not really writing about what i intended to write about today. i intended to write on how our selfishness tends to take us away from what we're meant to be. wait, was it? man. this is bad because i totally wrote that rts on my previous post to tell me what to write about this time.. but i forgot WHAT about selfishness i was going to write about. oh well.

on to different issues i guess.

so i just watched shutter island with a group of friends. and i will not give away things about the plot that may ruin it for any readers, but i just wanted to make a claim about myself and how i'm affected by movies. movies really emotionally influence me. is that just me, or does everyone? like seriously, during and even after the movie, my emotions are seriously what the movie was trying to evoke in me... hmm, i mean that i'm seriously feeling anger if someone very "protagonist"-ic dies in the movie, or if the director is trying to evoke an emotion of confusion, then i'm definitely feeling it, unless he totally sucked at doing it that time. and i kinda don't like it because of the neukkeem or feeling (overall) of that movie was kinda dark, eerie, and confusing then i'm feeling it not only during the movie but AFTER. i hate it! haha you guys can laugh at me, and i can laugh at myself even now, but i'm not laughing during or after that movie unless it was pure comedy.

CLICK is a good example, because that movie seriously evokes like 100 different emotions some parts 10 different and others just 1 emotion. but really, at the end i was feeling sad, angry, happy, amused, etc... weird, huh? anyways. i'm done with that.

oh yeah and one thing that was super... eh about that movie was literally 90% of the movie, someone was smoking a something. whether it be a cigarette, cigar, or pipe SOMEONE was smoking. and you have to imagine for a person like me who is still in the process of quitting, how annoyed i felt. haha, most people would just be bothered or like "oh interesting that movie had a lot of cigarettes", but for me i was like AHH I WANT ONE! GIMME GIMME! i don't care if they're laced or anything! haha. jk. well, kinda. but yeah, today's day 20 of being clean. only 10 more days and i'm free? will i keep not smoking? i really hope that i don't relapse. really, really. but i still want one... DAHH. JESUS.

prayer is important people. pray.

-ajc

forgotten God..

"Spirit, we know that we have done wrong by You.
Please forgive us for grieving, resisting, and quenching
You. We have resisted You through sin, through our
rebellion, and through our hardness of heart. At times,
we have been spiritually blind. At other times, we knew
what You wanted us to do, but we choes to ignore Your
promptings. Yet this not how we want to live now.

We need You to change us. Only through You can
we truly worship. Spirit of the Lord, You are the one
who brings us to a place where we can worship. You
are the Spirit of truth, the Spirit of holiness, the Spirit
of life. Thank you for the truth, the holiness, and the
life You give us.

We need Your wisdom and understanding as
we seek to live this life. Keep us from disbelief, from
fear. We need Your strength to help us do what you
are asking us to do and to live how You are asking us
to live. Speak loudly and drown out the other voices
calling us to conform to the patterns of this world.

You are the Spirit of self-control and love. Give us
the self-control needed to deny our flesh and follow You.
Give us a love strong enough to motivate courageous
action. Manifest Yourself through us that we may serve
and love Your bride, the church, as You do.

Come, Holy Spirit, come. We don't know exactly
what that means and looks like for each of us yet,
in the particular places You've called us to inhabit.
But, nonetheless, whatever it means, we ask for Your
presence. Come, Holy Spirit, come."

-Forgotten God by Francis Chan

May we pray this prayer every day.

personally speaking, i don't account for the Holy Spirit in anything i do and ... well the more that i think about it, it's blasphemy because i'm doing all works and not pointing the glory back to God but only myself. i know that the Holy Spirit still lives in me and is praying on my behalf for many things that i can't even fathom. what i'm doing now is wrong. yet, even with these christian inspirationals and talking with people, i know for a fact that it's gotta be my effort to pray this prayer daily by heart. i have to somewhat wrap myself around the concept of the Holy Spirit more and more and begin to understand that it's all about Jesus and only way to do it the right way is by being completely led by the Holy Spirit. honestly, i'm having a tough time just writing this because i don't know all about it or being in this mind state or anything.

but one thing i do know is that i can't be doing what i'm doing right now and the right way is through the Holy Spirit.

i need to pray, read, meditate, and pray some more. maybe write some and self-reflect.

man, somethings wrong with my mind i can't focus. more later.

rts. post about "it's all about mee~ "

loneliness...

is what i feel is the perfect theme, i think, for this coming valentines/single-awareness day weekend.

why? you ask.

i feel this way because... well for one, all my roommates have left for the weekend and it's an all-but-empty apartment to feel lonely in. after a little self-reflection, that helped me to realize, again, how people dependent i am and have become. it doesn't occur to you obviously when you're sitting at your apartment with a few of your apartmentmates home - even if they don't talk to you for that whole night. but it's the sheer principle of having someone in the house while you're there.

it is but a tragedy for me to sit here, whine, and wail about being alone. but i know i must bear it (how selfish does that sound) and learn to appreciate being alone for some self-reflection and getting to know myself "behind-closed-doors" so to say. honestly, i can just sit here and sin, lust, think bad crap about other people but i think it's going to be good for me to pour out about how i currently feel about this circumstance and being in it.

disclaimer: if you don't like what you've read thus far, i advise you to not read any further.. because it's going to get a WHOLE lot worse :o

as i've been in the presence of a few close friends not too long ago, i've kind of realized how what you think of a person can influence every thing they say or do to you from then on. it was clearly relevant with the movie "memento" in how he thought of his friend, teddy, after he wrote a phrase behind teddy's picture. everything out of teddy's mouth became subject to suspicion almost immediately. even for me - the audience. i believed every word of teddy's to be a lie. i mean, my situation as well as the character's is completely different to real-life because the character has a memory impairment as well as me just being a new participator in the current happening of that movie.

anyways, i've just realized this same feeling when someone tells or asks me something about this other friend. and now when i talk or interact with this new friend, the way i treat them, the way i hear the things they say, the way that i choose to be around them (period) becomes entirely different. see that's the way we were built as humans. to use recent information about a relevant person or situation in the current situation to react and protect your self or for self-gain. i just wish that our minds were so pure and that we wouldn't judge people and situations and change everything based on that. i just wish i could sit next to a person who had just killed my wife and love on them.. well, not as if they had done nothing, but as if i forgave and chose to forget it for the sake of loving.

i'm a thinker, i know. i think way tooo much and i've written a post about it. but i think it's me really understanding how and why i think this way when certain scenarios come around and maybe learn to better myself for next situations and such. it's all a learning experience - as they say.

sometimes i'm so deep in thought that when i say something, it almost comes out of the blue or as if what i said was completely obvious and didn't need to be stated. and friends laugh at me or are just completely taken aback. and i'm fine with that i guess. it's not like it hurts our relationship... or it shouldn't.

i just know that after all this transition phase of mine is said and done, that i can really come to a better understanding of myself and use it to glorify God and love God more.

-ajc

#93.. ?

i'm on my way to 100 posts in a span of 1 year.
interesting, it's almost nearing 1 year for this blog... man what a journey it has been in just this past year, i wish i could say that it was all ups, or at least mostly ups. but it's most definitely been downs, a good learning downs though i suppose.

once i hit 100, i plan on switching over to tumblr, because apparently it's way better - according to my roommate and jjin. ALSO there is better blackberry compatibility for tumblr.. another strong converting factor. iono, i guess since i'm going through a new phase in my life, i'd like to start up a new blog as well, even though this blogspot has been through many phases.

man, i can just remember the day i first started this blog, with tests the next day and being half cracked-out i just wanted to do something other than studying. and i must say, i ended up being a lot more diligent at it. very surprising.

enough about that.

i don't know, but i've always had a strong desire to post. post about something real, something about me, something about what i'm going through. i guess people telling me that they checked my blog also encourages me to keep posting and to keep posting in a real way as opposed to getting people to be interested. i really want to blog in a way that is like a REAL journal, but just "online." and a little public - because obviously not everyone reads this.

i kinda just wish that there was a recorder in my mind so that all my thoughts of that day get recorded down, and the significant thoughts are bolded so that i can just post about those things.. *sigh*, that would be a perfect world for me. because i'm definitely not the type of person that can easily vocalize their thoughts, especially when the time of that thought has passed. for SOME reason, i can never think that thought the way that i thought it when i had first thought it... if that makes sense.

what's funny is that just like my first post of this blog, tomorrow i have a test tomorrow and i am not in the mood to study for it, but i kinda feel like pouring out my heart... in a way that i have not intended, but i intend to intend.. i.. dskjakjdhakjds.

someone please decipher my brain and it's thought processes and vocalize it in a way understandable by most people on this blog!

haha. man. i can just go on and on about this... but i shan't.


lately, i've been trying pretty hard to get back on my feet. and with temptations always being thrown at me, it hasn't been the easiest time. however, i feel that with God and a good network of accountability it's been a lot easier than when i was in korea... DEFINITELY.

one thing that occurred to me as i was in norcal at my brother's church, abundant life, sparked in my heart when the speaker began to speak on the subject of temptations.

in 1 Corinthians 10:13, it talks about how God will never let us be tempted beyond what He knows we can bear. and i always took it in my mind, like yeah, yeah i know - thank you Jesus kind of thing. but it was then that it REALLY occurred to me. nothing, NOTHING .. or no TEMPTATION that we are tempted with is beyond what we can handle. so that literally means that every single temptation we go through is something we can get through. so in my case, the temptation of wanting to smoke, lust, drink, curse, etc. is nothing beyond what i can bear. yet, we fail so often. so if ever i was smoking, i can't say.. i couldn't help it.. because i really could've. but it was more of a self-regulation failure (tina!) or that i just chose not to.

or as i wrote it in my bberry:
God will always give us the power to overcome... anything. anything at all! i always forget this, no temptation ca nseize me beyond what i can bear.
but don't ever for get that it's all God, nothing of my strength.

--> humility, humility receives grace.

"the happiest people are those that never judge others, but judge themselves."
-some author

i can't say i 100% agree with the quote, but i do understand it and agree in the sense that what's the point in judging others? it's only gonna bring us lower and bring our view to a more cynical level. why bother? judge yourself before you ever decide to judge others, and if YOU'RE 100% without fault, cast the first stone.. and i don't think that telling has ever once failed.. because as humans, we are always flawed in some way or another.

hehehe.

who loves my blogs? and how they're such a crazy compilations of random thoughts... haha.

i just hope that whoever reads this can try to put themselves in my shoes and try to understand this. wait that wouldn't work, because i sometimes don't even understand my own thoughts... oh well.

have a good day!

-ajc