i'm sick.

and i hate it. i hate being sick!! i'm supposed to only get sick 1 time a year... but since korea, i got sick twice... what the effffffffffffffff :[

i think all those 3 days of sleepless nights and slaving/stressing over thanksgiving dinner has paid off.. in more ways that i wanted it to.

thankfully, the dinner was a success.. people helped out, people ate, people were merry. and that was just enough to make the entire weekend of slaving worth it. i almost didn't need to eat because i was so satisfied. however, i ate... and i ate ALOTT

i think 3 pictures should suffice to show the joy and success of this night.

however, being sick was not on the plan. i guess i compromised a lot of my body's strength and vitality for this on top of being around a lot of sick people probably did not help out.

anyways, i am so very thankful and lucky that this dinner turned out the way that it did. because seriously i have barely enough experience to do something like this for so many people, but somehow.. someway it ended up working out.

onto other things.

because i'm sick and i slept about 13 hours today, i feel really unproductive and felt like i needed to do something... so i watched TV. haha. VERY productive, right? i watched marley and me, and did not expect that kind of dynamic to come out of this kind of movie. it was a very REAL-life setting and the way the characters struggled and enjoyed life together was really well depicted. and thank GOODNESS for no sex-scenes. how could a movie get any better? :]

one quote that stuck out to me:
"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

and it's so true. i didn't realize it but really when cut down to the least common denominator. dogs don't care if you're rich or your poor, stupid, smart. if you really show your care to it(him/her, whatever) that's all that really matters. so pure in heart. i know i'm going out on a ledge to say this, but if there were a personn with many of the same characteristics as a dog.. aside from the animality and stuff, i think they would make a very pure person. just show that person how to love, who God is, they would be set. i don't know.. i'm thinking some crazy things i guess.. maybe it's cuz i'm sick.

anyways, happy day to everyone!

-ajc

can't sleep...

insomnia.

this happens to me sometimes. but i know many friends who actually have it to the point where, in my opinion, it should be diagnosed. i can't imagine how hard it would be to not be able to sleep when you want to, or at least when you know you should. i'm used to easily falling asleep, so it really pisses me off when i can't. it doesn't make a good mixture with me especially since, when i'm tired, i can't wake up for the life of me. what kind of life could i live? i think by that point, i'd probably have to take medication to help me sleep... then there goes drug addiction.

anyways, it's been quite a day today going all the way to ilsan to help my buddy get his true religion jeans tailored. nonetheless it was fun! what made my day was trying 되지 곱창. this is mostly because of my first bad experience with 소곱창, i really didn't like the way it exploded in your mouth; however, 되지 곱창 was a different experience - mostly because it was not explosive and actually tasted like a piece of meat. hooray for trying new foods! now.. onto eating more 해물 type of stuff - that's something that i can barely get myself to do, especially when it smells hella fishy.

another thing. if i haven't said it yet or enough, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! man am i excited to eat some good thanksgiving grubbing. i mean granted i'm going to have to cook most of it and it's going to have korean versions of the ingredients (if i get the right ingredients for thanksgiving stuff -_-, i mean it's korea after all). but really, as thanksgiving approaches, i find myself more and more thankful for a lot of the things i have and the life i received to live. AHHH THANKSGIVING FOOD. i can't think about it enoughhhh. i think it's an even stronger feeling for me, more than others, because my family always goes all out in terms of the food. when i say all out, i mean ALL OUT. we really do it big, even if the numbers are as small as 4-5 people. we just eat the leftovers for days and days after. mmmm mm i can just taste the awesome mac n cheese/mashed potatoes in my mouth. crap it doesn't help that it's nearly 3am in the morning and i'm starting to get hungry. ugh. ok i should stop.

anyways, take it from me from my 곱창 experience. try new foods! even foods you don't think you'll like. if there's another person there next to you that likes it alot or loves it, you gotta change your perspective on the food and EAT IT like it's delicious! i would say 65% success rate - better than half right?

i've also found myself liking a lot of korean music nowadays. i've actually attained the ear for it and now enjoy it daily. omg, what's happening to me!? i'm becoming so much more korean by the days that go by.. eating 곱창 and listening to korean music (and all the other things previous, and onward). oh yeah, and my koreans finally getting better! thank goodness, i used to not be able to speak period, and now i can make some conversation with most koreans! HIGH FIVE!

one specific band i've been listening to nowadays is humming bird stereo. here's a clip by them that goes with the theme of this post.

please, mind their english. i chose this song because of the title of the song, but most of their other stuff sounds pretty good. a good listen.

i should stop blabbering now.

have a good day! and happy thanksgiving!

-ajc

theme of the day

lucky!

oh how lucky i am to be me. even though a sinner, to be loved by God. you could say that knowing that you're lucky is to also be thankful for being in your situation. i know that i'm really lucky to be in my situation in general. there is so much i know i'm lucky about/thankful for.

...

seriously i'm trying to think about what i wanted to write about when i was about to post something the other day... but then i decided to sleep... UGH BAD IDEA!

well, with the many thoughts that circumvent in my head, i can think of at least a few. sensitivity and my vices.

sensitivity. that's always been an issue. there's probably a different post on the same thing.. i don't know why i'm posting about it again. i really don't know why i'm so sensitive for a guy. you may not think of me as sensitive if you know me, but the closer you get, the more that you'll see the sensitive side of me come out. i just don't really like to show it because it shows an ugly side of me. i know i need to face facts with myself, and not fight it but learn to control it. i can't live with a mask saying i'm completely fine, or make the phrase "be a man" be the phrase i live by. i need to be real with myself, you, and God.

anyways, so this sensitivty isn't like if you call me something bad then i'm going to hold it against you. it's more like if you something out of my comfort zone (whether you're around me or far from me), i'm going to assume or conjure up the worst case scenario and think that you've done it purposefully against me. or maybe not purposefully, but more like to disregard me. i don't know. it takes a lot for me to dig deep into my heart and bring out the true me because i fight agianst myself and sometimes i don't even know what's really true of me.

it's complicated.

vices. i live with many vices. and i don't know if the word vice applies to all of them necessarily, but here goes nothing. lust, porn, masturbation, girls, etc. anything of the like. for me, they all kinda fall into the same category. and i'm not going to lie, it's one of my biggest struggles.

this probably shouldn't exactly be shared on a blogspot, because you never know who will read this. but this is kinda an outlet for me to be real with myself publicly. i don't need anyone to read it, but posting on a blogspot is more convenient than writing in a journal, or more real than writing in a word processor, so my apologies for any who are offended.

anyways, i really struggle with this ALOT sometimes, and very little at other times. although it fluctuates, it's definitely a vice that i wish to be freed from... so much. they always say that it's based upon how you're spiritually healthy. some people say that the closer you are with God, then satans going to do his best (in terms of lust/vices) to separate you from God, and others say that the closer you get with God, the more free you are from your vices.

i don't know what the real answer for vices. but i don't think i should think about that stuff too much, but self-control.

another vice. forsure it's gaming. i think all the vices i struggle with are more man-related.. well, not NECESSARILY pride.. even though i obviously struggle with it.. just not as much as others. (maybe i'm wrong) but games is a biggy for me, cuz i just love engaging in this world where i can have fun with my friends all over the world, and get good at a game, own with them, take over the world!! ugh. games. you destroy my life.

lastly(that i can think of off the top of my head), is the vice of people-pleasing. i try so, so hard to please people to the point where it's selfish. i please people because it gives me pleasure. i do it so that EVERYONE can like me. isn't that a load of bs? i don't know. i really like the fact that everyone likes me because i'm a "nice guy", but that's also the stereotype i live up to.

... ugh, got distracted. lost my train of thought!! sorry!! next time...

-ajc

hmm..

i was gonna post on something important.. but i kinda forgot..

oh well, happy thanksgiving!

really think about everything you're thankful to God for.

family, friends, shelter, easygoing lifestyle, good/decent health, etc, etc, etc. you probably have a lot more ideas of things to be thankful for but at the very least, you can be thankful for these things.

<3 God, <3 others, <3/more like respect yourself.

one week!

dang it's already been one week since i've posted on this things? geebus! i feel like time has flown by much too quickly for me to handle. i really felt at first that i had plenty of time in korea, but now i'm really trying to grab hold of the little ounce of time i have left here.

how to make the best of it here? do as many things as i possibly can? drink as many nights as i possibly can? hang out with friends as much as i possibly can? study as hard as i possibly can? go to as many places as i possibly can?

i'm pretty sure that the answer lies in the in between of things, but it's really where my heart is when i'm doing these things. is my heart set to really embrace the things that God has blessed me with? is it set to embrace the opportunities that i have had thus far in korea? i know that i'm oh so thankful for the things i've done, places i've been to, things i've tried, people i've met, and things that i've learned (although some classes are seriously bs). i've really had the opportunity to do so much and experience so much in a time span of so little. it's not by my choosing, although i had made the decision, but God set everything into place that allowed me to experience the things in the way that i did. granted, i had many struggles as well, but i know forsure that i've come out knowing a lot more about my self, where my faith is, and a little (tiny, tiny) more about who God is.. even though i'll never really be able to know or understand or FATHOM God and His perfect character.

on a side note. people are really hard to understand, because they constantly fluctuate in how they treat you, how they act around certain people, also depending on their thoughts at that time... or specific time of the month. i don't know. right when i feel like i've come to understand someone, they just up and make a 360 on me in terms of their actions... and also their beliefs. are we just meant to be beings full of holes and never consistent? because of our flesh?

is it because we're torn between the flesh and the spirit?

-ajc

gratitude to the max

now that my birthday has passed officially (in korea), reminiscing upon the facebook wallposts, the time spent with friends, and the gifts i received.. i realized how thankful i am... to be me.

just to be shown appreciation for being BORN is such a big thing. you can take all these remarks, time spent, and gifts received and think nothing of them.. thinking that it's just another day. but if you REALLY think about it, it's a God-given day to really be thankful for. i mean those are the landmark days of our specific countries that are celebrated. well, Christmas isn't exactly chronologically correct... along with its being a marketed day for all of society to spend a lot of money on; yet, it is still a day to appreciate the birth of Christ. the day where we can reflect upon our salvation, our faith, what proves the Holy and triune God also being human.

days of gratitude. it's a day set apart to appreciate those that we love, on their day. just like november 15th is my day, billions upon billions of people have their days on the other 364 days of the year. some don't even get to celebrate their birthday if it's on the leap years.. which makes me even more thankful that i have a day for my birth to be celebrated.

i know this sounds like random ranting of a boy that just had his birthday, which it kind of is, but i really want to put it out there that we need to be more appreciated for being born, having friends/family, and having a day that is set apart for us. i mean dayam out of every group of friends, you are most likely the only one with that day of the year, as well as other people having their days on different times of the year. celebrate and be merry! don't be all down, thinking "shit, i'm another year older.. another year to dread, another year to feel even older, another year closer to death." it can actually be thought of as another day closer to meeting God in Heaven. i'm pretty dang excited. no joke.

hallelujah!

-ajc

it's been.

it's been about 8 months since i've started this blog and i have to say i'm doing a lot better and being more consistent in blogging since... xanga. and that was just posting to get people's attention/get peoples eprops and comments. but this is really something i see going somewhere - something to reflect upon when i'm a little more grown up. this is something i know is true, because i'm venting and letting out some of the deepest vents from my heart, not to seek attention but maybe to seek rebuke, prayer, comfort, and sharing real-life experiences for and from other brothers and sisters who struggle in this world.

who knows, maybe this blog has touched a number of people's lives, or maybe none. i may never know - but i believe that's the beauty in it because it's all about the smallest things that people may say or do that affect your entire life direction, or just may make a great impact on the way you live your life. i dunno. maybe i'm thinking too much or getting big-headed on this. maybe i'm just prideful.

heck.

i really feel as if i'm getting to know myself so much more and really seeing the deeper side of me that both stink and are somewhat good either being modified or analyzed. instead of being so busy and so hurried and not being able to think, i can actually think more about what i'm doing and why i'm doing it. is life getting more clear? or is this the start of further complication? who knows.

anyways, birthday month is almost over.. with mine being tomorrow and ben's being 2 weeks from now. shooooot i know i'm going to get owned by my friends.. ughhhh. save me know!! i jsut pulled an all-nighter to see music-core: 2pm's comeback performance. haha. we'll see how things go.

i think i've also been appreciating the times of being more independent of people, from the smallest things of taking responsibility for waking up by myself or hanging out with people 24/7. there needs to be a balance for sure. being alone for too long or being around people for too long really comromises who you are. because you get so used to one way that you forget about you are in the other way? ugh, i don't know. i think it's more of having an affinity with people as well as keeping yourself in check along the way.

UGH IM SO TIRED. MINI NAP!

-ajc

nts. stop gaming so much.

meaningless ranting.

i feel like ranting again. i don't know why, but i guess i need SOME kind of outlet to pour out on. at least you're always here for me, dearest blogspot. i thank you so much :]

dear blog,

today was suchhhhh a good day. it was a good day from morning 'til night. the beauty of fall trees glistening off of the sun and the wind blowing softly in just the way that i enjoy; blessings of friends and nice teachers to comfort me and teach me in many different ways. i am ever so thankful for it. even gogi and pc bang in korea. i had been well content with all that went on it that day, until...

after pc bang, a little drama happened. and i normally take it well, but i guess since it killed my ever so good moood... i was devastated. it wasn't even something that i should have minded that much.. i should've held patient and dealt with it, but i chose the escape. then i chose the drive, and the finishing touch - all in a negative way. why? why am i like that? why am i so sensitive to this stuff to the point that i will deny and reject my own friends - the ones who support me and are there for me all the way (almost). in my struggles, they were there for me. and in my highest moments, they were there to enjoy it with me. but why in this moment had i chose the wrong way, to detest of them as my friends. why would i push away the only one's who could be there for me in that moment?

this is my life. this is a part of who i am, i guess. there are those that say people can change, and there are those that say people can't. i struggle between the two, but i am mostly rooting for the optimistic perspective. i believe that people CAN change, if drastic things happen. and they can also change the smaller quirks in their personality, maybe with a little experience and a little nudging. i mean i don't wish for people to go through drastic things in order TO change, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures? i see many people in my life who are stellar examples of people who have changed in the smallest AND the biggest ways. but i also know people in which the phrase "old habits die hard" speaks too well of. no matter what, their personalities stick to them and either they or their personalities REFUSE to change. and i talk not only of changing for the better, but also for the worse.

it's kinda nice for optimistic people that whatever happens to them, they come out strong and continue to see the glass "half-full." they go through life looking at the better side of things, even if their world has seemed to turn upside-down... they still say, "things could be worse" and move on with life. that's the type of person i strive to be. even though i have failed many times, i just know in my heart and tell myself constantly that what's life if all you see are the negative side of things? try to see the better side of things, and you can only come out stronger with every experience. this world is kind of a negative place, so i understand those who are pessimistic. but not everything here is all that bad. there are many people who know their struggles, wrongs, weaknesses and still try to be the best at who they can be. they try to see the better side of themselves and pursue headstrong for the betterment of.. life. even if they weren't christian, i know many people who have some hope in life and find great joy in the simplest of things. they literally "sieze the day" and it blows my mind that they can be that way even without the greatest love, joy, care, hope that anyone could ever know: God.

it really blows my mind. i really wonder what's going on in their head that makes them think that way? good circle of friends? good affinity of family? good grades and set future? and i have actually asked a few, but from what i saw, none of those 3 things were fulfilled or even close to happily satiated. it was just that they chose to be optimistic, that they chose to see the better side of things. they lived to see the next day in a better light.. and that was it.

how? because God still takes care of them? because God made that way - i'm sure. but is it their personality traits and tendencies? or is it that choice they made to be optimistic?

when my mind runs a million miles a second, i think of these things. i think of how can life be so complete without God? but i'm guessing it's because He's still out there for them, still giving them that hope, that love, still showing them the beauty that this world still has.

*sigh*

who am i to judge anything?

-ajc

surprise surprise!

it's november. birthday month galore. and loving it. the fall season with the autumn leaves and SUPPOSED-TO-BE good fall weather, but it's freaking cold here in korea. wth! get a little warmer! looks like i'm gonna need to get winter clothes early. -_-

anyways, birthdays are freaking crazy this month. 6+ to count.

let's see:
david kang (nov 3 - celebrated) - 21st
daniel chang (nov 8) - 21st
eunice kim (nov 9) - 20th
josh tran (nov 11) - 21st
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (nov 15) - 21st
ben lee (nov 29) - 19th? noob!

there has to be more. anyways, that in it of itself is enough to make it a good month. hopefully full of lovingness, happiness, surprises, good gifts, awesome dinners, getting friends trashed, and finally having good talks, etc., etc., etc.....

anyways, speaking of surprises. i speak of the surprises that people pull on you. that they do something you would never expect them to do. i mean i guess it's lesson learned that you shouldn't depend on people 100% because in some way or another people will act up on another or fail one another. that's why there's the 10000000000% God. always dependent, more than 100% of the time. not to say He's a tool to be used.... but you understand me.

anyways, there's just a lot of stuff i've been dealing with in terms of people. learning that you can't fully rely on anyone to act as they have been the past ... somewhat amount of years, months, weeks that you've spend getting to know them. and granted, of course it is the same of me. of course i'll act up, of course i'm gonna fail. we're all human. if any one was to be unfailing it was Jesus Christ that He was flawless all the way to the Cross. man. that gets me.

i just wish i could trust people more, that i could rely on people more, i mena that's the way i've lived and grown up.. being dependent on people and relying on them for comfort, care, love, chillness, time, understanding, etc. but i guess it's something as well that i need to learn that i need to not put my 100% in them... unless they're my wife or something.. and EVEN then that person will fail me. i guess it's something more to be learned that i shouldn't feel let down, that i need to understand people as people. broken. with many hurts. swayed by emotion. selfish. loving to be loved. sometimes REALLY there for you and sometimes REALLY not. but hey, i guess it's after all of the thick and thin that you and another person will become THAT much stronger... and i can't say that i've really had that with many people. we usually end up failing at the thick... and sometimes the thin anyways.

i need a more accepting and loving heart. one that can be spread thin, but at the same time not let down. constantly being filled by the Holy Spirit. i say all these things and yet at the same time i hardly believe in them. ugh. save me from my contradiction.

-ajc

hahah -_- because of jum.

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Practical 3. Athletic 4. Outgoing 5. Adventurous 6. Traditional 7. Big-Hearted 8. Romantic 9. Conservative 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Shy 3. Practical 4. Traditional 5. Adventurous 6. Romantic 7. Conservative 8. Athletic 9. Big-Hearted 10. Intellectual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions