theme of the day

lucky!

oh how lucky i am to be me. even though a sinner, to be loved by God. you could say that knowing that you're lucky is to also be thankful for being in your situation. i know that i'm really lucky to be in my situation in general. there is so much i know i'm lucky about/thankful for.

...

seriously i'm trying to think about what i wanted to write about when i was about to post something the other day... but then i decided to sleep... UGH BAD IDEA!

well, with the many thoughts that circumvent in my head, i can think of at least a few. sensitivity and my vices.

sensitivity. that's always been an issue. there's probably a different post on the same thing.. i don't know why i'm posting about it again. i really don't know why i'm so sensitive for a guy. you may not think of me as sensitive if you know me, but the closer you get, the more that you'll see the sensitive side of me come out. i just don't really like to show it because it shows an ugly side of me. i know i need to face facts with myself, and not fight it but learn to control it. i can't live with a mask saying i'm completely fine, or make the phrase "be a man" be the phrase i live by. i need to be real with myself, you, and God.

anyways, so this sensitivty isn't like if you call me something bad then i'm going to hold it against you. it's more like if you something out of my comfort zone (whether you're around me or far from me), i'm going to assume or conjure up the worst case scenario and think that you've done it purposefully against me. or maybe not purposefully, but more like to disregard me. i don't know. it takes a lot for me to dig deep into my heart and bring out the true me because i fight agianst myself and sometimes i don't even know what's really true of me.

it's complicated.

vices. i live with many vices. and i don't know if the word vice applies to all of them necessarily, but here goes nothing. lust, porn, masturbation, girls, etc. anything of the like. for me, they all kinda fall into the same category. and i'm not going to lie, it's one of my biggest struggles.

this probably shouldn't exactly be shared on a blogspot, because you never know who will read this. but this is kinda an outlet for me to be real with myself publicly. i don't need anyone to read it, but posting on a blogspot is more convenient than writing in a journal, or more real than writing in a word processor, so my apologies for any who are offended.

anyways, i really struggle with this ALOT sometimes, and very little at other times. although it fluctuates, it's definitely a vice that i wish to be freed from... so much. they always say that it's based upon how you're spiritually healthy. some people say that the closer you are with God, then satans going to do his best (in terms of lust/vices) to separate you from God, and others say that the closer you get with God, the more free you are from your vices.

i don't know what the real answer for vices. but i don't think i should think about that stuff too much, but self-control.

another vice. forsure it's gaming. i think all the vices i struggle with are more man-related.. well, not NECESSARILY pride.. even though i obviously struggle with it.. just not as much as others. (maybe i'm wrong) but games is a biggy for me, cuz i just love engaging in this world where i can have fun with my friends all over the world, and get good at a game, own with them, take over the world!! ugh. games. you destroy my life.

lastly(that i can think of off the top of my head), is the vice of people-pleasing. i try so, so hard to please people to the point where it's selfish. i please people because it gives me pleasure. i do it so that EVERYONE can like me. isn't that a load of bs? i don't know. i really like the fact that everyone likes me because i'm a "nice guy", but that's also the stereotype i live up to.

... ugh, got distracted. lost my train of thought!! sorry!! next time...

-ajc