meaningless ranting.

i feel like ranting again. i don't know why, but i guess i need SOME kind of outlet to pour out on. at least you're always here for me, dearest blogspot. i thank you so much :]

dear blog,

today was suchhhhh a good day. it was a good day from morning 'til night. the beauty of fall trees glistening off of the sun and the wind blowing softly in just the way that i enjoy; blessings of friends and nice teachers to comfort me and teach me in many different ways. i am ever so thankful for it. even gogi and pc bang in korea. i had been well content with all that went on it that day, until...

after pc bang, a little drama happened. and i normally take it well, but i guess since it killed my ever so good moood... i was devastated. it wasn't even something that i should have minded that much.. i should've held patient and dealt with it, but i chose the escape. then i chose the drive, and the finishing touch - all in a negative way. why? why am i like that? why am i so sensitive to this stuff to the point that i will deny and reject my own friends - the ones who support me and are there for me all the way (almost). in my struggles, they were there for me. and in my highest moments, they were there to enjoy it with me. but why in this moment had i chose the wrong way, to detest of them as my friends. why would i push away the only one's who could be there for me in that moment?

this is my life. this is a part of who i am, i guess. there are those that say people can change, and there are those that say people can't. i struggle between the two, but i am mostly rooting for the optimistic perspective. i believe that people CAN change, if drastic things happen. and they can also change the smaller quirks in their personality, maybe with a little experience and a little nudging. i mean i don't wish for people to go through drastic things in order TO change, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures? i see many people in my life who are stellar examples of people who have changed in the smallest AND the biggest ways. but i also know people in which the phrase "old habits die hard" speaks too well of. no matter what, their personalities stick to them and either they or their personalities REFUSE to change. and i talk not only of changing for the better, but also for the worse.

it's kinda nice for optimistic people that whatever happens to them, they come out strong and continue to see the glass "half-full." they go through life looking at the better side of things, even if their world has seemed to turn upside-down... they still say, "things could be worse" and move on with life. that's the type of person i strive to be. even though i have failed many times, i just know in my heart and tell myself constantly that what's life if all you see are the negative side of things? try to see the better side of things, and you can only come out stronger with every experience. this world is kind of a negative place, so i understand those who are pessimistic. but not everything here is all that bad. there are many people who know their struggles, wrongs, weaknesses and still try to be the best at who they can be. they try to see the better side of themselves and pursue headstrong for the betterment of.. life. even if they weren't christian, i know many people who have some hope in life and find great joy in the simplest of things. they literally "sieze the day" and it blows my mind that they can be that way even without the greatest love, joy, care, hope that anyone could ever know: God.

it really blows my mind. i really wonder what's going on in their head that makes them think that way? good circle of friends? good affinity of family? good grades and set future? and i have actually asked a few, but from what i saw, none of those 3 things were fulfilled or even close to happily satiated. it was just that they chose to be optimistic, that they chose to see the better side of things. they lived to see the next day in a better light.. and that was it.

how? because God still takes care of them? because God made that way - i'm sure. but is it their personality traits and tendencies? or is it that choice they made to be optimistic?

when my mind runs a million miles a second, i think of these things. i think of how can life be so complete without God? but i'm guessing it's because He's still out there for them, still giving them that hope, that love, still showing them the beauty that this world still has.

*sigh*

who am i to judge anything?

-ajc