something about korea..

there is definitely something about korea that is very daunting.
makes it so very alluring for me to try new things and be a rebel to the way i was in the past. i don't think it's the sheer fact that i'm in a new place and want to try new things, because that was me in the beginning of when i came to korea.

so now that i've kinda been there and done that, i feel like maybe this is just a side of me that i've been keeping hidden - kept bottled and restricted because i didn't want to show the real under-the-face-value of my self. maybe it's just a phase in korea, i'm not even sure. i know that the current life i'm living isn't glorifying to God in many ways, but i know for sure that i wasn't being myself back at home.

maybe there's a way to fuse the two together and be the real me with God.

who knows.

-ajc

i really..

feel like writing in this today.

on pursuance.

i realize that, as a Christian, the life of pursuance entails a whole different perspective. it takes a change of mind that you don't see the exact thing at hand... but there's always something more you should be seeking.

when it comes to the true pursuance of living a good Christian life with a good Christian set of mind (i'm not even sure what "good" means itself), it's more than living the Christian life but living a life with your eyes set on Christ and nothing else - to seek no other one's glory but God's and God's alone.

when it comes to the pursuance of a partner or mate or whatever, it doesn't exactly mean someone who matches your personality perfectly, someone who your family likes the most, someone who you think would make the best future mate (not even idealistic), but someone who pushes you to seek God evermore. someone that, while pursuing, takes an even greater pursuing of God in order to fulfill that duty. and no matter what, it needs to be God first, before them. and they have to understand that. i think i have an idea about this... but we'll get into that later... when i'm more sure about it.

when it comes to the pursuance of your goal career in life, it's not exactly in what way your brain works (physics, math, etc.), what you love to do, what your parents tell you is right, what makes the best money, or what your dream is, but it's something that God has made you on this planet to do. it's more than your feeling, but a passion that is stirring in your heart. heck, if mine was to be a billionaire and fund missionaries worldwide, i'd be all for it. my life entailed talking to people and trying to be there for them and... COMPUTERS! so i figured, maybe i'll pursue computers since i love them so much and i happen to understand them really well. WRONG! that's a side story. then the people.. i figured, since computers didn't work... maybe counseling? i mean i seem to like psychology a lot and take it in really well. however, that wasn't the case, too. even though i had been pursuing that for most of my college career. and actually, it's not too say that it won't help me in my now present career path, because i actually think it really will.

when it comes to the pursuance of people and the way your heart is made for them, it may not exactly be who you are towards them at the moment, the way you're comfortable around them, or even who MAKES you comfortable. but it's how what fulfills your soul as you engage and interact with them. how you can share your heart and pour it out daily to one another, whether it be thinking about them, praying for them, having breakfast with them, or having a mid-workbreak talk with them. i don't know. i don't have this down for myself, but it seems as if my heart is opening more and more to different types of people these days. maybe cuz i'm in a whole new environment.

when it comes to the pursuance of knowing your own heart, that... is something i hardly even know, but i know that it's not by keeping stuff to yourself, talking with people all the time, spreading yourself in as many ways as possible, or putting yourself in situations where you're going to be uncomfortable. i don't know, maybe in many ways it is.. but i know that that's not the whole picture. i know that you need more alone time than you think. i know that you need something (hopefully someONE) to vent to and really have a MUTUAL heart to heart talk with. i know that it's in the pursuing of God to see His heart for you in a sense (and i don't even quite know what that means exactly). but i just know that it's something like that.. and probably more.

i just wish that i could, myself, pursue these things in the right manner. it's in my head, but it's not in my heart. i kinda believe that i also need that person who i CAN have that mutual heart to heart with. but i don't know. there are definitely many variables in life.. at least there's God as the one constant who holds me together.

i'm sure many people may disagree with many of the things i have to say. obviously this is more my interpretation and understanding rather than fact, but hey if you agree, then cool.

going out strong tonight..

you don't seem to care much anyway.

-ajc

to live is Christ, to die is gain.

I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again.
- Achilles

i don't mean to take this quote literally... because to do so would be to say that greek gods exist, or to say that God envies us for our mortality. rather, i intend to say that the figurative dying to self is such a beautiful thing. us with our human, mortal tendencies are so flawed in every which way, which makes the choosing of the life of Christ all the more... lovely.

however, it's not all that easy.. obviously. to live the way the way of Christ is to suffer beyond compare, but with eternal benefits in God. even trying to figure out why this is so or why God is so loving is but a confounding factor to me. He is but far too loving and far too understanding for me to comprehend... and that is the beauty of God.

now, i mean to kind of take this quote literally. only in the second half mostly.

it kind of vocalizes the same opinion as the phrase "carpe diem." to live life to the fullest. now, the Achilles' quote only rings true if one were to literally carpe diem their life by virtue. however, here we are spending our days away doing absolutely nothing. getting nothing productive done. granted, there are times for that, but i really wish for this quote to be true in our lives.

the truth IS that any moment may be our last. the truth is that you never know if you maybe hit with a random disease, get hit by a car, get your plane hijacked, murdered by a cold-blooded serial killer, or die because your time is just up. i know that these scenarios aren't exactly the best scenarios to list out, but really anything can happen to our lives, our body parts, mental functioning, or family dysfunction. so with any function left in your life, live that out, squeeze to the pulp and leave no juice behind. "if life gives you lemons, make lemon juice..." or something like that. sieze your every day. and i really need to live by this, not in the secular sense but in the sense that the Lord will be pleased by what i do. that i would chose Him above all the other stupid things in this world, because really.. He is infinity times infinity to the infinity power better than anything this world can offer.

i think many of those either reading this or those in which i intend on writing this for... we really are in the primetimes of our lives. this is where are bodies, our minds, maybe not our spiritual lives.. but the first two.. it's where they are at their peak! this is most definitely one of the climaxes of our lives in many senses, so who are we to do such miniscule things. who are others to underestimate our beings. we were made for so many purposes in our lives, let's live them out!

and just to break apart the last sentence of Achilles' quote. we are here only once in this world (unless you believe otherwise), so there are no other chances with every passing day. the previous days we could've done this or that... but instead of lying in regret about the past, just sieze the days you have now and which are coming so you will never regret the passing days again. our life is limited, our days are numbered. if we were to break apart our lives into any way and add it up again.. it's only going to equal one. that's one chance you have for every year, month, minute, second and it's all precious.

i know that the life i'm currently living is actually digressing from the true path i need to follow, however, i don't take any day as a regret, because instead of going all the way through the path not having any experience i feel would be most meaningless. i feel that to take this path is but to first gain much life experience, then move forward. i rushed a lot of things, but at this etching moment, i know that i'm going to go in full and ready.

-ajc

homesick.

when you're lonely, recovering from a sicknesss, and sick of your redneck roommate and his tiring overly conservative comments... i guess you could call me a little homesick.

it's in these times that you start to appreciate home a little more. ahh how i can remember it..

when i stepped into home at norcal, you could smell the good ol' aroma of korean mom cooking, korean news going off, along with my raving uncle and his hella random comments... then you see my mom with the look of joy on her face. that was enough for me. i would just walk into my room, have a nice snackin going on to be accompanied by the nice cool breeze of the norcal winds from SF. as if that wasn't enough, my dog comes running at me with such excitement... such loving. and how pure it is, no judging to go along with it. he doesn't ask me what negative things did you do today? have you paid your rent? have you justified your way of living? no. he just runs at me and licks me, unjudging of anything. and it never gets tiring.. every single time he runs with the same joy in his heart, only to love me and lick me, wishing only to play with his owner... maybe he would call me his partner... in crime? haha i don't know, but really, i am so thankful of such a faithful and innocent companion.

setting aside the literal "home" part of homesick.. the friends of home. i couldn't ask for better friends, dongsengs, and church family. not exactly the perfect bunch of people, but they love you regardless of where you're at or where they're at. we've all been through our share of problems, struggles, and mistakes.. but who can love you better regardless of all those things than your good ol' friends? your dongsengs, they look up to you with unregarding faces, to care for you, to share in times with you, and sometimes even act like your equal.. (not that they aren't equal by any circumstances) and keep you accountable.

the times are definitely good here in korea. everyone is so very loving, even with all of the shallow relationships, or even relationships you've made, with tons of substance, there is a lot of love here in korea. you get to have an entirely new experience with entirely new people... i guess that's what kinda gets all of the couple-making going on. we think in our heads, man i've never done anything like this with anyone.. but to share this new, awesome experience with an entirely new dynamic of person.. i can't help but like them? i don't know. i'm just blabbering.

but regardless.. being alone at home here does get you a little homesick, wishing you could spend the good times with the friends you know are having good times. is it fileo type of love that i'm missing out on? i forget.. whichever ones are the ones with friends.. and the one with family. i don't miss the states by the material things... although i do miss the food, but i miss sharing in the relationships with all of the people back at home. those are all kind of at a stagnancy.

heck, one thing to not be dismissed is to carpe diem it up in here. i gotta sieze every remaining day i have in korea to the max. after recovering from this sickness, i'm ready to take on the world! here we go, koreA!

-ajc

i'm sick.

and i hate it. i hate being sick!! i'm supposed to only get sick 1 time a year... but since korea, i got sick twice... what the effffffffffffffff :[

i think all those 3 days of sleepless nights and slaving/stressing over thanksgiving dinner has paid off.. in more ways that i wanted it to.

thankfully, the dinner was a success.. people helped out, people ate, people were merry. and that was just enough to make the entire weekend of slaving worth it. i almost didn't need to eat because i was so satisfied. however, i ate... and i ate ALOTT

i think 3 pictures should suffice to show the joy and success of this night.

however, being sick was not on the plan. i guess i compromised a lot of my body's strength and vitality for this on top of being around a lot of sick people probably did not help out.

anyways, i am so very thankful and lucky that this dinner turned out the way that it did. because seriously i have barely enough experience to do something like this for so many people, but somehow.. someway it ended up working out.

onto other things.

because i'm sick and i slept about 13 hours today, i feel really unproductive and felt like i needed to do something... so i watched TV. haha. VERY productive, right? i watched marley and me, and did not expect that kind of dynamic to come out of this kind of movie. it was a very REAL-life setting and the way the characters struggled and enjoyed life together was really well depicted. and thank GOODNESS for no sex-scenes. how could a movie get any better? :]

one quote that stuck out to me:
"A dog has no use for fancy cars, big homes, or designer clothes. A water log stick will do just fine. A dog doesn't care if your rich or poor, clever or dull, smart or dumb. Give him your heart and he'll give you his. How many people can you say that about? How many people can make you feel rare and pure and special? How many people can make you feel extraordinary?"

and it's so true. i didn't realize it but really when cut down to the least common denominator. dogs don't care if you're rich or your poor, stupid, smart. if you really show your care to it(him/her, whatever) that's all that really matters. so pure in heart. i know i'm going out on a ledge to say this, but if there were a personn with many of the same characteristics as a dog.. aside from the animality and stuff, i think they would make a very pure person. just show that person how to love, who God is, they would be set. i don't know.. i'm thinking some crazy things i guess.. maybe it's cuz i'm sick.

anyways, happy day to everyone!

-ajc

can't sleep...

insomnia.

this happens to me sometimes. but i know many friends who actually have it to the point where, in my opinion, it should be diagnosed. i can't imagine how hard it would be to not be able to sleep when you want to, or at least when you know you should. i'm used to easily falling asleep, so it really pisses me off when i can't. it doesn't make a good mixture with me especially since, when i'm tired, i can't wake up for the life of me. what kind of life could i live? i think by that point, i'd probably have to take medication to help me sleep... then there goes drug addiction.

anyways, it's been quite a day today going all the way to ilsan to help my buddy get his true religion jeans tailored. nonetheless it was fun! what made my day was trying 되지 곱창. this is mostly because of my first bad experience with 소곱창, i really didn't like the way it exploded in your mouth; however, 되지 곱창 was a different experience - mostly because it was not explosive and actually tasted like a piece of meat. hooray for trying new foods! now.. onto eating more 해물 type of stuff - that's something that i can barely get myself to do, especially when it smells hella fishy.

another thing. if i haven't said it yet or enough, HAPPY THANKSGIVING! man am i excited to eat some good thanksgiving grubbing. i mean granted i'm going to have to cook most of it and it's going to have korean versions of the ingredients (if i get the right ingredients for thanksgiving stuff -_-, i mean it's korea after all). but really, as thanksgiving approaches, i find myself more and more thankful for a lot of the things i have and the life i received to live. AHHH THANKSGIVING FOOD. i can't think about it enoughhhh. i think it's an even stronger feeling for me, more than others, because my family always goes all out in terms of the food. when i say all out, i mean ALL OUT. we really do it big, even if the numbers are as small as 4-5 people. we just eat the leftovers for days and days after. mmmm mm i can just taste the awesome mac n cheese/mashed potatoes in my mouth. crap it doesn't help that it's nearly 3am in the morning and i'm starting to get hungry. ugh. ok i should stop.

anyways, take it from me from my 곱창 experience. try new foods! even foods you don't think you'll like. if there's another person there next to you that likes it alot or loves it, you gotta change your perspective on the food and EAT IT like it's delicious! i would say 65% success rate - better than half right?

i've also found myself liking a lot of korean music nowadays. i've actually attained the ear for it and now enjoy it daily. omg, what's happening to me!? i'm becoming so much more korean by the days that go by.. eating 곱창 and listening to korean music (and all the other things previous, and onward). oh yeah, and my koreans finally getting better! thank goodness, i used to not be able to speak period, and now i can make some conversation with most koreans! HIGH FIVE!

one specific band i've been listening to nowadays is humming bird stereo. here's a clip by them that goes with the theme of this post.

please, mind their english. i chose this song because of the title of the song, but most of their other stuff sounds pretty good. a good listen.

i should stop blabbering now.

have a good day! and happy thanksgiving!

-ajc

theme of the day

lucky!

oh how lucky i am to be me. even though a sinner, to be loved by God. you could say that knowing that you're lucky is to also be thankful for being in your situation. i know that i'm really lucky to be in my situation in general. there is so much i know i'm lucky about/thankful for.

...

seriously i'm trying to think about what i wanted to write about when i was about to post something the other day... but then i decided to sleep... UGH BAD IDEA!

well, with the many thoughts that circumvent in my head, i can think of at least a few. sensitivity and my vices.

sensitivity. that's always been an issue. there's probably a different post on the same thing.. i don't know why i'm posting about it again. i really don't know why i'm so sensitive for a guy. you may not think of me as sensitive if you know me, but the closer you get, the more that you'll see the sensitive side of me come out. i just don't really like to show it because it shows an ugly side of me. i know i need to face facts with myself, and not fight it but learn to control it. i can't live with a mask saying i'm completely fine, or make the phrase "be a man" be the phrase i live by. i need to be real with myself, you, and God.

anyways, so this sensitivty isn't like if you call me something bad then i'm going to hold it against you. it's more like if you something out of my comfort zone (whether you're around me or far from me), i'm going to assume or conjure up the worst case scenario and think that you've done it purposefully against me. or maybe not purposefully, but more like to disregard me. i don't know. it takes a lot for me to dig deep into my heart and bring out the true me because i fight agianst myself and sometimes i don't even know what's really true of me.

it's complicated.

vices. i live with many vices. and i don't know if the word vice applies to all of them necessarily, but here goes nothing. lust, porn, masturbation, girls, etc. anything of the like. for me, they all kinda fall into the same category. and i'm not going to lie, it's one of my biggest struggles.

this probably shouldn't exactly be shared on a blogspot, because you never know who will read this. but this is kinda an outlet for me to be real with myself publicly. i don't need anyone to read it, but posting on a blogspot is more convenient than writing in a journal, or more real than writing in a word processor, so my apologies for any who are offended.

anyways, i really struggle with this ALOT sometimes, and very little at other times. although it fluctuates, it's definitely a vice that i wish to be freed from... so much. they always say that it's based upon how you're spiritually healthy. some people say that the closer you are with God, then satans going to do his best (in terms of lust/vices) to separate you from God, and others say that the closer you get with God, the more free you are from your vices.

i don't know what the real answer for vices. but i don't think i should think about that stuff too much, but self-control.

another vice. forsure it's gaming. i think all the vices i struggle with are more man-related.. well, not NECESSARILY pride.. even though i obviously struggle with it.. just not as much as others. (maybe i'm wrong) but games is a biggy for me, cuz i just love engaging in this world where i can have fun with my friends all over the world, and get good at a game, own with them, take over the world!! ugh. games. you destroy my life.

lastly(that i can think of off the top of my head), is the vice of people-pleasing. i try so, so hard to please people to the point where it's selfish. i please people because it gives me pleasure. i do it so that EVERYONE can like me. isn't that a load of bs? i don't know. i really like the fact that everyone likes me because i'm a "nice guy", but that's also the stereotype i live up to.

... ugh, got distracted. lost my train of thought!! sorry!! next time...

-ajc

hmm..

i was gonna post on something important.. but i kinda forgot..

oh well, happy thanksgiving!

really think about everything you're thankful to God for.

family, friends, shelter, easygoing lifestyle, good/decent health, etc, etc, etc. you probably have a lot more ideas of things to be thankful for but at the very least, you can be thankful for these things.

<3 God, <3 others, <3/more like respect yourself.

one week!

dang it's already been one week since i've posted on this things? geebus! i feel like time has flown by much too quickly for me to handle. i really felt at first that i had plenty of time in korea, but now i'm really trying to grab hold of the little ounce of time i have left here.

how to make the best of it here? do as many things as i possibly can? drink as many nights as i possibly can? hang out with friends as much as i possibly can? study as hard as i possibly can? go to as many places as i possibly can?

i'm pretty sure that the answer lies in the in between of things, but it's really where my heart is when i'm doing these things. is my heart set to really embrace the things that God has blessed me with? is it set to embrace the opportunities that i have had thus far in korea? i know that i'm oh so thankful for the things i've done, places i've been to, things i've tried, people i've met, and things that i've learned (although some classes are seriously bs). i've really had the opportunity to do so much and experience so much in a time span of so little. it's not by my choosing, although i had made the decision, but God set everything into place that allowed me to experience the things in the way that i did. granted, i had many struggles as well, but i know forsure that i've come out knowing a lot more about my self, where my faith is, and a little (tiny, tiny) more about who God is.. even though i'll never really be able to know or understand or FATHOM God and His perfect character.

on a side note. people are really hard to understand, because they constantly fluctuate in how they treat you, how they act around certain people, also depending on their thoughts at that time... or specific time of the month. i don't know. right when i feel like i've come to understand someone, they just up and make a 360 on me in terms of their actions... and also their beliefs. are we just meant to be beings full of holes and never consistent? because of our flesh?

is it because we're torn between the flesh and the spirit?

-ajc

gratitude to the max

now that my birthday has passed officially (in korea), reminiscing upon the facebook wallposts, the time spent with friends, and the gifts i received.. i realized how thankful i am... to be me.

just to be shown appreciation for being BORN is such a big thing. you can take all these remarks, time spent, and gifts received and think nothing of them.. thinking that it's just another day. but if you REALLY think about it, it's a God-given day to really be thankful for. i mean those are the landmark days of our specific countries that are celebrated. well, Christmas isn't exactly chronologically correct... along with its being a marketed day for all of society to spend a lot of money on; yet, it is still a day to appreciate the birth of Christ. the day where we can reflect upon our salvation, our faith, what proves the Holy and triune God also being human.

days of gratitude. it's a day set apart to appreciate those that we love, on their day. just like november 15th is my day, billions upon billions of people have their days on the other 364 days of the year. some don't even get to celebrate their birthday if it's on the leap years.. which makes me even more thankful that i have a day for my birth to be celebrated.

i know this sounds like random ranting of a boy that just had his birthday, which it kind of is, but i really want to put it out there that we need to be more appreciated for being born, having friends/family, and having a day that is set apart for us. i mean dayam out of every group of friends, you are most likely the only one with that day of the year, as well as other people having their days on different times of the year. celebrate and be merry! don't be all down, thinking "shit, i'm another year older.. another year to dread, another year to feel even older, another year closer to death." it can actually be thought of as another day closer to meeting God in Heaven. i'm pretty dang excited. no joke.

hallelujah!

-ajc

it's been.

it's been about 8 months since i've started this blog and i have to say i'm doing a lot better and being more consistent in blogging since... xanga. and that was just posting to get people's attention/get peoples eprops and comments. but this is really something i see going somewhere - something to reflect upon when i'm a little more grown up. this is something i know is true, because i'm venting and letting out some of the deepest vents from my heart, not to seek attention but maybe to seek rebuke, prayer, comfort, and sharing real-life experiences for and from other brothers and sisters who struggle in this world.

who knows, maybe this blog has touched a number of people's lives, or maybe none. i may never know - but i believe that's the beauty in it because it's all about the smallest things that people may say or do that affect your entire life direction, or just may make a great impact on the way you live your life. i dunno. maybe i'm thinking too much or getting big-headed on this. maybe i'm just prideful.

heck.

i really feel as if i'm getting to know myself so much more and really seeing the deeper side of me that both stink and are somewhat good either being modified or analyzed. instead of being so busy and so hurried and not being able to think, i can actually think more about what i'm doing and why i'm doing it. is life getting more clear? or is this the start of further complication? who knows.

anyways, birthday month is almost over.. with mine being tomorrow and ben's being 2 weeks from now. shooooot i know i'm going to get owned by my friends.. ughhhh. save me know!! i jsut pulled an all-nighter to see music-core: 2pm's comeback performance. haha. we'll see how things go.

i think i've also been appreciating the times of being more independent of people, from the smallest things of taking responsibility for waking up by myself or hanging out with people 24/7. there needs to be a balance for sure. being alone for too long or being around people for too long really comromises who you are. because you get so used to one way that you forget about you are in the other way? ugh, i don't know. i think it's more of having an affinity with people as well as keeping yourself in check along the way.

UGH IM SO TIRED. MINI NAP!

-ajc

nts. stop gaming so much.

meaningless ranting.

i feel like ranting again. i don't know why, but i guess i need SOME kind of outlet to pour out on. at least you're always here for me, dearest blogspot. i thank you so much :]

dear blog,

today was suchhhhh a good day. it was a good day from morning 'til night. the beauty of fall trees glistening off of the sun and the wind blowing softly in just the way that i enjoy; blessings of friends and nice teachers to comfort me and teach me in many different ways. i am ever so thankful for it. even gogi and pc bang in korea. i had been well content with all that went on it that day, until...

after pc bang, a little drama happened. and i normally take it well, but i guess since it killed my ever so good moood... i was devastated. it wasn't even something that i should have minded that much.. i should've held patient and dealt with it, but i chose the escape. then i chose the drive, and the finishing touch - all in a negative way. why? why am i like that? why am i so sensitive to this stuff to the point that i will deny and reject my own friends - the ones who support me and are there for me all the way (almost). in my struggles, they were there for me. and in my highest moments, they were there to enjoy it with me. but why in this moment had i chose the wrong way, to detest of them as my friends. why would i push away the only one's who could be there for me in that moment?

this is my life. this is a part of who i am, i guess. there are those that say people can change, and there are those that say people can't. i struggle between the two, but i am mostly rooting for the optimistic perspective. i believe that people CAN change, if drastic things happen. and they can also change the smaller quirks in their personality, maybe with a little experience and a little nudging. i mean i don't wish for people to go through drastic things in order TO change, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures? i see many people in my life who are stellar examples of people who have changed in the smallest AND the biggest ways. but i also know people in which the phrase "old habits die hard" speaks too well of. no matter what, their personalities stick to them and either they or their personalities REFUSE to change. and i talk not only of changing for the better, but also for the worse.

it's kinda nice for optimistic people that whatever happens to them, they come out strong and continue to see the glass "half-full." they go through life looking at the better side of things, even if their world has seemed to turn upside-down... they still say, "things could be worse" and move on with life. that's the type of person i strive to be. even though i have failed many times, i just know in my heart and tell myself constantly that what's life if all you see are the negative side of things? try to see the better side of things, and you can only come out stronger with every experience. this world is kind of a negative place, so i understand those who are pessimistic. but not everything here is all that bad. there are many people who know their struggles, wrongs, weaknesses and still try to be the best at who they can be. they try to see the better side of themselves and pursue headstrong for the betterment of.. life. even if they weren't christian, i know many people who have some hope in life and find great joy in the simplest of things. they literally "sieze the day" and it blows my mind that they can be that way even without the greatest love, joy, care, hope that anyone could ever know: God.

it really blows my mind. i really wonder what's going on in their head that makes them think that way? good circle of friends? good affinity of family? good grades and set future? and i have actually asked a few, but from what i saw, none of those 3 things were fulfilled or even close to happily satiated. it was just that they chose to be optimistic, that they chose to see the better side of things. they lived to see the next day in a better light.. and that was it.

how? because God still takes care of them? because God made that way - i'm sure. but is it their personality traits and tendencies? or is it that choice they made to be optimistic?

when my mind runs a million miles a second, i think of these things. i think of how can life be so complete without God? but i'm guessing it's because He's still out there for them, still giving them that hope, that love, still showing them the beauty that this world still has.

*sigh*

who am i to judge anything?

-ajc

surprise surprise!

it's november. birthday month galore. and loving it. the fall season with the autumn leaves and SUPPOSED-TO-BE good fall weather, but it's freaking cold here in korea. wth! get a little warmer! looks like i'm gonna need to get winter clothes early. -_-

anyways, birthdays are freaking crazy this month. 6+ to count.

let's see:
david kang (nov 3 - celebrated) - 21st
daniel chang (nov 8) - 21st
eunice kim (nov 9) - 20th
josh tran (nov 11) - 21st
meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee (nov 15) - 21st
ben lee (nov 29) - 19th? noob!

there has to be more. anyways, that in it of itself is enough to make it a good month. hopefully full of lovingness, happiness, surprises, good gifts, awesome dinners, getting friends trashed, and finally having good talks, etc., etc., etc.....

anyways, speaking of surprises. i speak of the surprises that people pull on you. that they do something you would never expect them to do. i mean i guess it's lesson learned that you shouldn't depend on people 100% because in some way or another people will act up on another or fail one another. that's why there's the 10000000000% God. always dependent, more than 100% of the time. not to say He's a tool to be used.... but you understand me.

anyways, there's just a lot of stuff i've been dealing with in terms of people. learning that you can't fully rely on anyone to act as they have been the past ... somewhat amount of years, months, weeks that you've spend getting to know them. and granted, of course it is the same of me. of course i'll act up, of course i'm gonna fail. we're all human. if any one was to be unfailing it was Jesus Christ that He was flawless all the way to the Cross. man. that gets me.

i just wish i could trust people more, that i could rely on people more, i mena that's the way i've lived and grown up.. being dependent on people and relying on them for comfort, care, love, chillness, time, understanding, etc. but i guess it's something as well that i need to learn that i need to not put my 100% in them... unless they're my wife or something.. and EVEN then that person will fail me. i guess it's something more to be learned that i shouldn't feel let down, that i need to understand people as people. broken. with many hurts. swayed by emotion. selfish. loving to be loved. sometimes REALLY there for you and sometimes REALLY not. but hey, i guess it's after all of the thick and thin that you and another person will become THAT much stronger... and i can't say that i've really had that with many people. we usually end up failing at the thick... and sometimes the thin anyways.

i need a more accepting and loving heart. one that can be spread thin, but at the same time not let down. constantly being filled by the Holy Spirit. i say all these things and yet at the same time i hardly believe in them. ugh. save me from my contradiction.

-ajc

hahah -_- because of jum.

Your dating personality profile: Religious - Faith matters to you. It is the foundation that you build your life upon. You trust that God has a plan for you. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters. Athletic - Physical fitness is one of your priorities. You find the time to work athletic pursuits into your schedule. You enjoy being active.

Your date match profile: Religious - You seek someone who is grounded in faith and who possesses religious values. You believe that a religious person can enhance your life. Shy - You are put off by people who are open books. You are drawn to someone who is a bit more mysterious. You want to draw her out of her shell and get to know what she is all about. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Religious 2. Practical 3. Athletic 4. Outgoing 5. Adventurous 6. Traditional 7. Big-Hearted 8. Romantic 9. Conservative 10. Wealthy/Ambitious

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Religious 2. Shy 3. Practical 4. Traditional 5. Adventurous 6. Romantic 7. Conservative 8. Athletic 9. Big-Hearted 10. Intellectual

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

suddenly..

i suddenly feel single. really single.
and kind of alone?

like single as in EVERYONE in korea is either a couple or bff's (excluding children - well some, maybe). and yeah it does make me feel kinda alone. i def know i have my brothers and sisters from back home, and some here as well. but i do feel as though i am so very distant with those even around me. when i see people so close, so comfortable... i want that. i mean yeah i'm pretty comfortable... with myself and a few others.. but it's not the same.

i want what they have. and every time i reach for it, some how or some way something falls short and i end up getting hurt in the end. like i've invested the most, then get the short end of the stick. i don't want to bag on others... but i guess it makes me feel that i have to be more and more independent. i just may be too dependent on others for life, support, and happiness (friendship). i need to be more rooted in myself, who i am - all in God's name. all in who i'm meant to be.

i just wish i wasn't this way and that i knew how to be, how to act, who was right for me and who was wrong. but hey if i was that, i would be way too famous, or have too many friends, or have too little. i don't know.

life... please be simple. please don't get so difficult on me. i'm trying to do the right things... but i know it's not a full compromise at the same time. i know that i don't want to give it all up. i know that i'm holding on to my own values, and my identity. vs the identity i have in God. i just don't want to accept it at times. i just want to live. but at the same time i don't.

and that... is complex. way too complex.

whew enough of that.

onto other things.. november is here! and november is the best month why? birthdays. best birthdays and birthdays galore. we'll see how this goes.

another side note: i love food. (how random?)

ADD!

maybe i should go to sleep. it's 12:30 am. very much too early to sleep but i shall try.

goodnight!

-ajc

most of all.

God, i wanna tell you first before i tell anyone
my faith is slippin and i'm crossin where the lines are drawn
i glorify myself, my heart is compromised
i'm speakin with my back turned instead of eye to eye

and even in those times when i swear i'm livin holy
Lord you know me wholly that my love for sin is borderline
i'm callin others fake while i got my mask on
rebukin haters while i'm hatin on my saving grace

i hate this. its hard to take shape of the savior
its impossible i'm always blamin satan too
but the case in every situation is, i got my own mind
the bottom line its my own decision that i'm makin

it's so cliche( i ) this roller coaster ride (miss)
but now i've got to pray (you)cuz i need you, (my God).
i'm at a lost for words, nothing i deserve from you
and tho i ask not for anything, im glad i told u first.

----

Father, i gotta tell you now before this moment passes by
i've made you my convenience and not my staff and rod
i'm led astray easily by things that please me
like sheep i wander off forgetting where the green pastures lie

my heart is numb to love, ur grace i push aside
the greatest gift to man but like a light i switch you off
i'm losin focus, the hands of sin they choke me
it's hard to breathe and hard to see, ur heart just seems so far from me Lord

i reached your seashore once and caught a glimpse of beauty
bright as jewelry you insured a new me, and
you said my past was gone and showed me purity, and
you said that i would fall again but that you'd catch my hand

i understand now that i can stand even now
despite the struggle cuz of what you did it evens out
amount of sin is plenty, but you call me righteous
i ask not for anything, you've given everything already.

i post this song because i felt that it really spoke true of my heart lately.

manifest - most of all.

lost love.

am i free man?

or am i tied to love?

am i tied to breaking hearts

playing around and not caring?

or am i thinking too much?

is it better to have loved and lost than to not love?

what is it in the heart? what is it in my heart?

can i show love to someone in a true and genuine way?

am i prone to do that?

hate it.

koreans~

i think it's a statistic that says 90% of korean males (probably exclusively in korea) smoke or have smoked for a good period of time.

koreans smoke way too much.

life...

brings you to many unexpected occurrences.

(this is more about me, not saying it necessarily as a generalization)

there are many choices you have to make many hard... very hard decisions. and you end up making many turns and detours in your life. you may feel like you're going around and about, but there is a goal that you will end up in. it's just how you spend your decisions and how long you dwell on them that takes you to "your goal" faster. maybe not necessarily the goal YOU intended but the goal that was intended for you.

if you know it's a wrong course that you're taking (before you make that decision), then you should probably not make that decision in the wrong way. however, i feel and kinda know that many decisions i'm making are leading me in the wrong path, and i'm sure i can get many people to agree on that (that know me).

it's just that i don't want to be there quite yet. i want to live. i want to embrace the things that i want to do, the things i've so wanted to do. and somethings that i just had a slight interest in. call me evil, but i'm but just a man. a man that may be able to make an impact on this world full of debauchery, hurt, pain, disgust, filth, and so many unnecessary things. but these things just may be necessary to get you to realize some things and take you to a place where you should be.

if i wanted for life to simplify and be clear cut i could, but i don't. i want things to get complicated. i want experiences that i can share, i want to tell people, "been there, done that." or "oh yeah, i totally know what you're saying" instead of prejudging them by the things they do. i feel like this could take me to a place where i can understand people's hearts better. instead of (again) judging them by their actions.

so many things i came to a realization of when i was in korea. so much more i understood about my own self. the deeper side of me. the side that won't come out while i'm in the sheltered life with all the friends i want and "should" be with. i just hide it not knowing when it comes out, and let it slap me in the face when that situation comes around. i'm definitely starting to understand my actions, tendencies, and personality more as i reside in a city full of debauchery. i can't say that it's right what i'm doing, or where i am with all the people and experiences that i've had. but i can say that i've learned. i can say that i've learned a lot more about what it is to life. why the Bible characters did what they did in a more real sense. not just automatically saying, "oh yeah, it's just those fleshly tendencies. they need God." but i'm really starting to understand why we need God so much more. i know that i need God, i know that i need Him to pwn me in the face and shake me out of this state, but at the same time i know He's watching me and my every step, guiding me. leading me. sitting there as my inner spiritual guide. as closed off as i am to the Christian life is as open as i am (don't know if that made sense).

i just know that at the end of this. relation is going to be a little, if not much more easy. yes, you can definitely learn to understand people in a better way, by taking the righteous path and allowing God to be your heart and your understanding, giving you wisdom beyond measure. but this is my walk. i'm taking these things more into my own hands and learning different perspectives on this fath. one-directional to multi dimensional... i hope.

my understanding of people has become a lot better. meeting the weirdest to the loudest to the shadiest to the quietest to the most emotional to the most loving to the most heartless. and i'm learning how they think, why they think. how they do.

life is seriously like a box of chocolates in terms of people that you're going to meet, experiences that you're going to have. you never know what you're going to get, never know who you're going to meet, never know what you're going to experience. all i know is that it's all for a reason.

-ajc

in a city full of debauchery...

only the strong survive.

-ajc

i just fell...

for the world.

everything that it represents - i fell into it.

there is really nothing else... (well some minor/not too major things) that i can fall into without dying or spending my life-savings on.

is this rock bottom? do i just sit here and bask in whatever temporary things i have here? or do i try to make do with what i have, embrace it, and squeeze it to it's last pulp?

is it even worth it?

much of what has surpassed over my time in korea has definitely taught me many things. it has taught me that you have to really fight for your faith. and hold tight to your morals. cuz if you don't, then there's no end to what you will let go. before you know it, you blow your whole life away and can't turn back.

am i at a point where i can still turn back and have anything left? i know that it says in the Bible that that's what God loves to come back to Him. He welcomes us with open arms. those who are weary and those who are but at their end (or at least feel like it).

i know what i believe. i know what i should be holding strong to. but i'm not holding very tightly. in fact, i think i'm holding pretty loosely to the knowledge and experience of His grace that i have. much i have, but much i am but too willing to let go.

it is all fleeting. life is fleeting.

is it just there for the carpe diem? or is it there that i must hold fast to the basics and go step by step. no matter how slow it is.

haha man, i can't even figure myself out. what did i write? am i just writing to sound horrible and get noticed by whoever and whatever that i'm writing about?

or is this out of a genuine cry for help? is this out of a truthful hurt life state.

i know my life is so short here and that i am wasting whatever time i have here, but i don't think that i can make by with knowledge and a few experiences i've had here and there. there is only so much to talk about, only so much to share. what can i relate to you? how can i relate to the next passerby in order to share the Good News?

truly, it is Good News. but how "Good" may it seem to the person who's hearing it from me. how Good is my Good News? is it even good news? or maybe it's the worst news you can bring to someone in your state? are you even eligible to bring good news? i don't know, from the various experiences i've had with brothers and sisters in the faith, it tells me both ways - that i can share the good news regardless of whatever state i'm in, because it's God ... not me.

but there are those who say that i'm not in the right state or in the right spiritual mind to share with someone. that i may toy with their hearts and bring them to a place that would actually take them further away. or a way that may bring them to the right area, but with much baggage that should've been dealt with.

i don't know.

i just don't.

-ajc

am i a bad person?

because of what i do or what i think?

or is it the whole choice-making process involved in that?

i am human, i have bad tendencies. so i don't exactly think it's the actions necessarily, but the thoughts that motivate those actions and what i CHOOSE to do with those thoughts.

then i guess i am bad.. because i have bad thoughts. -_-;;

-ajc

insomnia.

why can't i sleep?

it's freaking 6am in the morning, but i'm so dab dab hae that i can't get a second of rest. i'm for sure tired enough. my body is for sure exhausted enough. what's wrong here?

i know i'm uncomfortable about something. but is that really it? can one thing get me going so much to the point that i can't give my body rest? how is it that one tiny thought in the mind can prevent one of so much mass and surface area of the sleep and rest that it so wants.

damn. that's how it is i guess. i guess you can argue that a man's entire body can be controlled by just his... hormonal private area. and it's pretty sad because it's true.

anyways. at least while i'm up i might as well make a decent enough rant.

i've been doing pretty good in terms of friends and family up until today. we've been getting so deep with our conversations that i feel like i know these people so well, even though i've just met them like a couple weeks ago. wow, just a few weeks ago. and! my mommy's coming to korea for the choosuk festival.. i'm pretty darn excited! we'll see how that goes.. i'm pretty darn sure that it's going to be very enjoyable.

being in korea, your heritage, is definitely something different than being a "korean-american" in america. i still feel like america isn't my homeground. but i mentioned this with a friend just the other day, and i realized you know what... i'm korean and i'm in freaking korea. this is ME. this is my heritage and this is WHO I AM. well, at least a part of me. my blood. you know how it is. i definitely feel much more comfortable with myself here. investing in the culture, the people, and the language much, much more. i feel as though i'm being more refined.

that korean language has GOT to improve though. shiet. i'm still bad at it. i can kinda see myself improving here and there but definitely i'm still hella far off.

*sigh*

what to write? what to vent?

although i'm still shaky in my faith. i'm getting much, much more encouraged to pursue a better relationship with God. i mean, i know it's definitely not even close to being there but i know that the desire in my heart is to be with God. to be enveloped in His presence. to know Him more and more each and every day. with every scripture that i read and reflect upon. i want to immerse myself in that. that love. that unconditional love. how can you not desire it so? i guess i was really put off by it because i was so jaded by so many things of the faith, but God is definitely not to blame. definitely. it's just me.

all in my head.

goshdangit. i need to sleep. but i can't.

oh well. i'll end it here.

-ajc

seriously. too seriously.

i think i've found a good group of friends here in korea. one of them whom can keep me accountable if ever there was a situation. i mean it's more because we're going through similar struggles and in the same area at the same time.

i didn't think i would find a group of friends that shared compatible personalities so easily, i guess it was kind of about time though - since it's about a month into my stay here in korea.

there's not too much to write about though, for some reason i feel as if i've run out of things to say. maybe because i've laid it all out there, and actively waiting for something to happen. really wishing for something to happen.

looking back in this korea trip, i'm really glad that i'm here enjoying the culture and slowly (but surely) getting better and more confident with my korean. i just hope that i'll be conversationally strong before the end of this trip.

it also may have seemed that i have pre-judged many people that i have come to meet, i think i'll just have to get to know them better over the course of this trippp!

btw, mommy's coming to korea for 추석? is that what it's called? korean thanksgiving? anyways, i'm excited :] seeing my mom going back to her roots and enjoying a good break back in korea in which she hasn't been here since before i was born (so +20 years) - it's crazy!! haha. too bad i can't show her my wife-to-be or anything... i think she may be getting worried about me finding someone... my one. that's something that never leaves my mind. i don't think it ever will.

i thought about it today and i was thinking.. man, i like being single.. but i would really like someone to be there to laugh at my stupid jokes, be there with me through the tough times, someone i can vent to or call anytime. even while i'm here in korea... i so, so, so want someone to just be there. haha, it may just be that literally every "true" korean here hang out in couples. they're everywhere... ALL doing HELLA coupl-y things. making me feel all the more single... *sigh*

someone's out there. maybe i should be praying for that. eiii.

-ajc

i want to write...

but i am much too tired tonight.

next time.

i'm writing too much.

anyone who's following me must be annoyed by the constant chatter of nothingness that i post almost every day. however, since i hate writing in a journal (because i'm too lazy, and i don't like looking at my messy handwriting as i write), i'm writing here whenever i have the thought or feeling to.

and as of now, i have one hour of break at the global lounge before i begin my 2 hour korean class, which is actually quite fun.. sometimes. haha.

so here i post, about the random nonthingness that comes out of this blood type AB mind.

i've been really thinking about the way i interact with people... almost always. it's always me doing the listening, and them doing the talking. that's how it always is. i mean it's not so much that i mind it, but it's that at the end of the day i know i need to vent.. which i guess is why i have this blog.

but for reason, i do feel that it is not enough to vent my heart out into a blog. yes, i do get the satisfaction that someone might've heard me, that someone might've given me feedback every so often. however, i feel that i need to be made accountable for my actions, that i should have a second (observer's) opinion on the way that i live and the choices that i make. someone, someone needs to hear me out and.. i don't know be there for me.

my mom can only do so much across the sea, and it's definitely hard for her to relate because we are going through completely different life stages. i guess that's why, when you're with you're bf/gf/wife/husband, that you need to be on the same level for you to understand each other. i mean yeah there may be gender-specific opinions on the way things may seem, but generally (GENERALLY) you can relate a lot easier and be there for each other.

and i'm thinking that's what i've been missing this whole time. that's what i've been seeking (but missing) to find. some kind of accountability partner or.. maybe a girlfriend haha. i don't think i'm much ready for the latter. however, if it comes i should be ready. in terms of the accountability partner, i've always searched and tried, but every time at least one of us fails.. or it just doesn't click naturally. and that's really what i want... a natural feeling accountability. i know things may have to be forced to become natural sometimes, but i feel that from the start, at least, there has to be some substance there to begin with.

i want that natural accountability. whether it comes from a random friend or a friend i've known for a while.. or even maybe a girl .. friend. girlfriend? haha. because i know that, if it's a good relationship that they'll care enough to hear about my random thoughts or annoyances. if i found that, man would i be majorly happy. however, that takes experience to build and gauge to really know who's right for you. it really does take committment i guess. whether it's a girl-guy relationship, or an accountability friendship. whatever it is. i believe everyone is in need of one. i mean that's why we're people. God made us this way to be dependent on Him and on each other. if someone is without that, it's very hard to live a God-glorifying life.

it may be why i'm struggling so badly with this faith on my own. i mean yeah, i need to definitely have my foundation set with my faith. it's seriously all back to the basics for faith, you need it and... you need it. and you need to remind yourself of it every day of your life. and you need that someone to be reminding you of those fundamentals as well as keeping you going further and deeper.

i don't know. blah.

-ajc

movies~

i just watched my sister's keeper and wow. it was a sad movie, keeping me either sad or very melancholic (if that's a word). it was seriously.. the whole time. i won't spoil the movie though, if there are any out there who wish to watch it.

the purpose of this post is not to write about this movie in particular, but about movies in general - at least my general feeling about movies.

and my opinion is: i love them. i think it's really cool how they give you an opportunity to immerse yourself completely into the world of that movie. now, i believe, that if a movie doesn't allow you to do that... then it's not a movie. i feel like the point of the movie is for you become a part of their world and experience the feelings that the characters are feeling and experience the most excruciating and most joyful moments with them as well. if the director, director of photography, and music editor (or whatever) cannot help you into this, then the whole movie is either bogus or a documentary.

i think that's why i generally have a positive opinion on most of the movies that i watch. it's not that i'm critiquing them on the story development or the camera angles, etc. but more that if you can allow the viewer of the movie become part of the movie somehow - maybe like a passive character in the movie - then you've done your job. and hopefully the story, angles, and all that will take care of themselves.... hopefully. but i don't know, i'm not a pro director or movie critic or anything, but i really think that that is the general consensus of most movie goers. and you have to have crazy movies like memento (which i like, btw) or shawshank redemption for those really critical moviewatchers.

anyways, that's my take on movies.

-ajc

the end?...

of a story of a guy named Lenny.

who Lenny saw in the picture was a woman that worked with him at his internship and a man that looked to be himself. however, the picture wasn't simply just a picture of them smiling and looking at the camera... but a picture of them nearly naked and making out in a hotel room. he didn't remember this picture... or this night. he remembered that there was a night where the company threw a company party, including all of the interns. he had a lot to drink that night. and that in itself was enough for him to realize what had happened in a night that he didn't remember.

how did someone take this kind of picture of them? well i guess didn't matter at this point because the point was that what had taken place many months ago did take place. and he knew that they didn't just end up dirtily making out... but probably all the way. and if it wasn't news enough that he, Lenny... the perfect guy, had cheated on his girlfriend, but he also found out later that this girl ended up being pregnant and was looking for the father.

and of course, at this point, it was all too late. Lenny needed to take ownership for what he did. even though Lenny was the perfect guy, one choice (a drunken one, at that) can lead to a number of regretful places to be. and once you're there, you can't take them back. Lenny ended up leaving graduate school, working as an accountant for some no-name company, and married the girl he had impregnated, Lina, to carry on with the rest of his life with much regret. although he tried to make the best with what he had, it just wasn't enough... because he was the guy who had it made. he was set on his life and knew that nothing could stop him there. no one else did it to him, it was self-inflicted. that is the sad thing. even when he was in his drunken state, he still had many choices he could have made differently.. even not drinking so much to the point of losing that self-control.

now i'm not saying this is a true story, or a story that happened to me (obviously not). but a story that came to mind just as i poured out my thoughts into the version of a story. it's funny because this entire picture of the perfect life took forever to make, but it only took a few sets of sentences to tear it all down. and that's just how it is in life. you could have worked so hard to build up a certain life with so many luxuries and well.. completely being satisfied with all facets (almost all facets) of life, but it only takes a few decisions to tear it all apart. now these decisions could have been made in the lowest, highest, or drunken points of your life, but the point is that you made them. and it's not like it's excusable or anything because you are left with the consequences.

and i don't even know what i'm to do or say because i am overwhelmed with a certain gratitude.. because of the many decisions that i had made wrongly in my best and worst moments... i deserved the worst case scenario consequences.. or even some of the worst case scenario consequences. yet, i came out with a few cuts and bruises but nothing fatal... nothing to completely regret besides the decisions themselves. i know that it was God that had protected me... no, spared me in my times of stupidity. yes, i am man and i do make wrong, fleshly decisions at times and it's only normal that i mess up here and there, but i know that i have sinned against my creator and gone way too far with a lot of things.

now is the time to start the change.

now.

so that no more stupid mistakes with their consequences can happen. or at least they can be much more minimized.

anywho, the time is now.

continuation...

of a story of a man, named Lenny.

and it was all as we imagined. too good to be true.

the vacation was going perfectly and everyone was happy and fine. to be an even better potential son-in-law, Lenny was the good guy and reserved 2 separate rooms for him and Reia. her parents would like that he thought to himself. so on the last night of the vacation, he planned to surprise her with a full candlelit picnic out on the pier. and as he was approaching her room around midnight, he noticed her light was dimly lit, but with moving figures in the background. maybe she's just walking around the place...

as he more quickly approached, but with caution, he heard voices that were kept to a near hush. it was Reia's parents with Reia... talking about Lenny. what could they possibly say about Lenny? wasn't he the perfect, model guy? as he was near the window, the faint voices came clear. they were mentioning things like i knew he was too good to be true! there was no way he could have been that perfect. or every person has flaws. and you could just hear Reia in the background sobbing, but trying to hold back the despairing wails. he was thinking to himself, no no no no way! there was no way that they could ever think that of me. what could i have possibly done?

so with anxiety that breached him from head to toe, clammy hands, and shaky palms... he decided to twist the nob open and come in. the whole situation spoke for itself. Reia's dad held with a fierce anger, her mom with a stressful look of betrayal, and Reia. oh, Reia. the beautiful features of her face had fled and left her with nothing but pure sadness that filled her face cheek to cheek. her wondrous, passionate eyes became eyes of opaque apathy. he knew it was over. but why? why?! and there was left a picture on the edge of the bed, near crumpled probably because of the angry grip that Reia's dad had held it with.

this is a story...

of a boy named Lenny.

before i begin, i would like you to know that i'm writing while listening to a bunch of yiruma. so if you find any mood behind this... it might just be the music giving me the mood of this story.

Lenny was your average boy, living the typical american life. studying to succeed, interacting with friends and dreaming that one day he would have that perfect family- with the white picket fence. he knew that he was different and knew that someday he was destined for greatness. but what determined greatness? thought this young boy named Lenny. was it being completely satisfied with life? was it having a lot of friends and having good relations with everyone? was it having your dream job, making lots of money? or was it to live a simple life, not too many complications?

as he went on with life, entering middle school and struggling with it a little bit... high school wasn't a different story. he went around trying to experience the world to find if the world could answer his questions. he also asked people, people that he had heard were wise... to his dismay, these strategies had brought him only temporary comfort and something to strive for, but eventually had failed. each and every criterion from his previous thoughts could help him understand greatness.

is this term "greatness" just too far-fetched for me to understand? he thought to himself. maybe i just need to experience life a little more...

so he went on with it. onwards to college, going to the school of his (and his parents') dreams. although he wasn't sure college was for him, he thought he just might find the answer to his all-consuming question... what determines greatness? maybe some experience in the independent life would lead him to his answer. so he lived his life in college. and boy did he live. he made tons of friends, joined lots of extra-curricular groups, got decent grades, talked to a lot of girls that he thought would be potential wife-material... don't you think he lived? i think so.

Lenny was the man in college. it wasn't as if he was known all around campus, but every person he walked pass smiled at him. and he thought to himself, maybe... just maybe this is greatness.

so he lived in this for his years in college, taking leadership positions with his dazzling charisma and getting good marks with any teacher that he had. he was on his way to a successful career in business. he even had a girlfriend. and this girl, boy was she the cutest girl on school. not HOT, but cute... because that's what more long-term is, right? her name was Reia. anyways, she had the best personality any man could ask for. loving, caring, can cook, cutest face and eyes, great singer, friendly but not too friendly, and always tries to find a way to make her boyfriend happy. they went out for 2 years and Lenny just knew in his heart that she was the one. his future-wife.

so Lenny graduated and was on his way to getting his mBA at Harvard. he took the test and got the top 1% score. he knew he was set on getting in, so he decided to take a trip with his girlfriend and her family, just to get on their good side. i mean, he was already on their good side since he was the "perfect guy"... but it wouldn't hurt to at least help it a little more, right? and so they took a trip to the Bahamas and had a blast. all the while during the trip he made Reia's parents laugh, smile, and even cry... in a good way. all the while, Reia seemed so happy with her boyfriend, Lenny. it was all just so perfect.

or was it?

ouch

And then will I declare to them, 'I never knew you; depart from me...'

on a side note.

this is korea.

if i think about it, i've only been here for less than 10% of my overall stay though. let's not jump to conclusions!

heya heya~

why?

why must i be like this over the smallest things?

*sigh* is it just my innate instincts? my personality? my sensitivity?

damn. DAMNNN.

-ajc.

korea. thus far.

man, what a freaking 2 weeks it's been.

staying at myung's place at mullae was definitely off the hook. straight up completely empty apartment that looked like it belonged to a typical korean family in a korean drama, cold showers, how i met your mother every night, and ordering delivery. baby. one thing that i'll regret is not having lived there with furniture.

anyways. my first few destinations consisted of myungdong, hongdae, mullae, jeonju, ehwayudae and gochan (shigorl). i personally liked myungdong the most. not because of the shopping mall or the nice buildings, but the girls were prettiest there. imo. haha so shallow i know. but i'm being honest :P. hongdae was.. hongdae. freaking crazy busy with drunkards and party peepo haha. not a bad area to hang out, but sometimes it's just too obnoxious.

jeonju was just a stop on our way to shigorl. but man, it's not a bad area. it's like half developed, but i really liked it because it wasn't too crazy, but it had all the basic stuff that a korean place should have. i think i really liked it because of the jimjilbang. mann don't get me started about that haha. i love jimjilbangs. three words: just be free. hahaha just being naked and not caring... enjoying the good company of your fellow brothers.. what can be better?

gochan was nice forsure. we had hanwoo kalbi. and i must say.. comparing it to any meat in america is... not comparable for sure. it's on a whole different level. the marbling is BETTER than kobe beef, and the tenderness is just off the charts, taste... please. no need to explain. other than that, just staying in a countryside embracing the korean culture more of a lesser modernized place was good. i think it's good to have those once in a while.

ehwayudae.. is THE girls university. haha well... the area around it def has prettty girls.. since the shopping town is more geared for women. the girls in the university itself were either not cool or taken. haha. but it's a really pretty looking university.

i could go on and list more experiences that i had all over the place, but photos will do half the work... and the other half.. is something i'm too lazy to do. haha. all in all. korea has been treating me really well. i'm learning to embrace this new (but inherited) culture of mine.

i realized the culture is to just drink. like it's not even at a point that it's necessarily a bad thing, but it's just part of the culture to do so. like soju and mekju are the prime things. if you go anything outside of that, that's when i would say it'd be something moreeee... not as good. but really to embrace and immerse yourself in this culture is to embrace soju, food, and the night life.

even the adults are out at night just hanging out and talking bout old stories... very chummy. i even see little kids out with their parents 10-11 at night.. haha that's so unheard of in america. but i seriously realize why food is something that my life revolves around. and it's because my entire culture is FOOD. food is the culture of korea. if there were just rice, kimchi, and gogi... then korea would not exist. the pojangmachas, hoddok stands, cafes, pc bangs, bbq's, chicken galore is korea. and at least for me, it's not a sad thing. it's something i love. and i am a foood critic, so when something doesn't taste so good... i won't mention it or at least have a few negative remarks about it. however, i would say 95% of the food in korea was all good. all delicious. better than any korean food in america. i mean i do miss the all you can eat dduk bo ssam in america... but i miss it much less when i have all this other better stuff surrounding me.

one more thing. living at DMC ville is definitely a PRIVILEGE. i'm living at a resort while going to this school and it definitely makes me appreciate living with a roof above my head much more. i just hope i won't take it for granted. everyone is so friendly here haha. well it's kinda given since we're all on the same boat looking to make friends, be nice, and drink merrily. i feel like freshman year of college all over again. haha man. and don't get me started about all of the good friends i've made. just know that they're cool.

thank you korea for being my heritage. for being me.

-ajc

update.

you know, i wanted to post about all the things i did so far since i got to korea, but i'll save that for when i get into my school apartment. so i'll just do like more personal stuff of late.

i kinda realized how dependent i am, wherever i go. when i was back home, i was dependent on friends and family for comfort, when i was in SD i depended on friends for comfort, and while i'm here in Korea i'm dependent on my friends for comfort... and to get around and survive haha. todays like my first day in korea to myself, and since i don't have internet where i currently live, i have to come to pc bangs in the seoul area to blog, game, email, and facebook. i'm i sinchon right now, which is actually a place i haven't checked out, but i thought i might since it's going to be yonsei's college town. everywhere i go though, everythings pretty much the same. just that some buildings look different than others. but basically what everything consists of is cafes, food places, business buildings, telephone stores, food places, general stores, marts, bars, clubs, noraebangs, pc bangs, and more food places. haha. soo much food everywhere. i love it, but it kinda makes me overwhelmed much of the time.

this is my motherland, korea. aside from the repetitive environment, i really like it here. i guess because it's a new experience. a new place to live. things started to get very ritualized while i was in SD and norcal. i guess i need some new spice. and korea is.. very spicy~ hahahaha. no, but seriously. as i look back at how much i've spent here, it's crazy. i guess because i'm here for the first time touring, and because all the little cheap things added all up end up being HELLA money. food is basically like 90% of the money i spent though. haha, well spent.. well spent.

personally, i'm definitely still in a rut. dependent on others for life-giving happiness, not dependent on God (because of my current, skewed distrust), and never being content with myself. i dunno. it's hard for me to just say GOD, YES~! it's not even because i've been jaded or anything, but i think it's more of just being habitualized to feeling this way towards certain things. do i like being here? no.. well, kidna. do i want to be somewhere else? yes, of course! do i want to give up where i am to get there? not really.. meh. it's just stuck.

well i'll try to update later about KOREA. pictures on facebook soon as well.

gg

-ajc

mirror, mirror on the wall...

look in the mirror. what do you see?

do you see just a sheer reflection of you?
do you see the person that you want to be in the future?
do you see the person of the past? with all of the mistakes? or even a person that you wished to be once again?
do you see a person that you want to see?
do you see a picture of you that you hate?
do you see nothing?
do you see the world behind you?
do you see a pimple, a scar, or any disfigured part of your body?
do you see just a plain old person?
do you see a person loved by many?
do you see famous?
do you see perfect?
do you see a son, a daughter, or a creation of God?
do you see a mistake?
do you see the greatest story ever told?
do you see a smile?
or do you see Christ-like?

what do you see?

today, as i was running errands with my wonderful mother, uncle, and aunt, i ruminated over this idea of "what do you see in the mirror?" like what would others that i knew see in the mirror when they, from time to from, looked at it. but i never stopped once to think, what do i (me) see in the mirror?

the answer isn't son. the answer isn't Christ-like. the answer isn't perfect, and it's not nothing either. what i see is all of the mistakes and imperfections on my body. yes, it is one of the purposes of the mirror to show you what's on you and what has changed on your physical body; however, i think maybe i've taken it into a new proportion. not only do i see the imperfect me. but i see all of the mistakes i've made in the past, why i am the way i am today. sometimes i see a smile, a grin, a wretched figure, a clean person, but most of the time i see the imperfections, both physically and intangibly.

yes, you should not focus on the imperfections that you have, but about the grace that takes an imperfect you to be one with God. but i just simply don't think that way.

have heart! you are loved by God.

stop breaking God's heart.

blah.

-ajc

bloop.

dysthymia

i think i might be mildly depressed.

i say this because i want to be honest with myself, and to this blog with whoever's reading this. i also say this because i feel either so disappointed, apathetic, or sad all the time. whether it's one emotion or the other... it's like 90% one of those three.

i try to find joy, peace, happiness, love in all the wrong places. or what i think those things are to me. i don't really know if i can even define a personal joy, peace, or love. maybe happiness. because i experienced minor spurts of it here and there, usually when i was with family or other friends. people definitely bring me some sort of happiness. maybe there's a little joy, peace, and love with them... but i don't know, how can you define something that's just a feeling? it just.. feels that way. not very quantifiable. well there's... really happy or really sad.. but nvm. anyways.

i also find that us people are very relationship oriented. we need others to thrive. for example: me. i very well need others to find a sense of belonging and purpose. without other people i probably would've suicided (forgive me for being crude) a long time ago without people. i do believe we were made for that sheer reason. not to feel lonely... not to be so "self." as the Bible says, we need others to sharpen ourselves. without others, and having to show love to others which is tangible, we would never be able to love a God that isn't tangible.

back to the minor depression. or "dysthymia" as psychologists would call it. i don't know. i really just don't feel very happy.. much of the time. it probably has a lot to do with my rebellious state, but it definitely is affecting me in every personal interaction i confront. i see myself getting so much more negative more of the time. like i look back on what i did and i think... wow that really wasn't like me. wth?

i'm desperately searching for this joy, peace, happiness, love. it's probably all pointing me back to God, yet i reject the idea and desire to stay in this hellish state longer.

oh, what a fool.

-ajc

better is one day.

How lovely is
Your dwelling place
Oh Lord Almighty,
For my soul longs
And even faints
For You
...
Better is one day in Your courts(house)
Than thousands elsewhere
...
One thing I ask,
And I would seek,
To see Your beauty
To find You in
The place Your glory dwells
...
My heart and flesh cry out
To You, the Living God
Your Spirit's water to my soul
I've tasted, and I've seen
Come once again to me
I will draw near to You

how beautiful do these lyrics sound to the ear.
i was just listening to the starfield version of this during my drive from socal to norcal and i was just reminded of the epic moments that i experienced when singing this song, specifically.

how much do we mean these words when we sing (or have sung) them. it's so easy to just sing it out of memorization or experience the emotions through a good band playing in a way that is intended to pull at your heart strings. how can you really mean it to God when you sing a song such as this?

i think one really good way was to just meditate on the words as the band was singing it.

anyways, as i look back to these words that i sung many a time, i realize how deep this lyrics are. to be in the presence of God is better than any other place that this world can offer. that is why the writer (David) of this song is so longing to be back in the Lord's presence... to feel, to experience God in the same intensity as he once did when he was in the sheer presence of the Lord. His heart and flesh cries out for God to fill him once again because he knows of the grace that he once experienced. How awesome is that? the writer is purely and lovingly seeking after God. to be in the place he once was before.

man, to be in the place i once was before.

-ajc

halsooeetdah.

you can do it. you can. you just need to believe.

it's interesting to see someone who has absolutely no hope in what they're about to do, when they surely can do it with the skills allotted and developed over time. i mean, why else would they be in that place at that time?

this is pretty ironic for me to say especially since i was the one who didn't believe when the time of true test arrived. in fact, i fell. hard. couldn't believe in a single thing that i had grown up developing and experiencing. it's as if all of those experiences were all for zilch.

anyways, going back to my first point. i just want to tell these people that you can. because there is a reason for you to be there. and if it REALLY wasn't meant to be, then you will fail.. but learn from it, right? so in the end, it really was meant to be. because you learned something. and it doesn't hurt to at least give a try when the opportunity arises.

on a side note, i'm going to korea in a little more than a week. it feels so crazy and shocking because just a few months ago i was hurriedly getting through all the logistics and doing the forms for it (like application forms for dorms and yonsei, scholarship, financial aid, etc, etc). it's just so weird to ACTUALLY be here, for the thing i've been preparing for this whole past 6 months or so. it's here. and i'm actually finally going to the motherland after only having been there for a day layover on my longest stay there. so this is the copportunity to sieze.

korea will be fun. i'm sure.

i have a weird feeling that something crazy is going to happen, and that i'm going to have to learn big time. i don't know what it is, but i feel it in my fingers... i feel it in my toes.

-ajc

movies.

i've been watching a lot of movies in the past few days - probably a lot more than i've watched in the past year or so. i guess i kinda got cheap in watching these movies, eh? haha!

it's actually really sad now that i think about it. what have i been doing these past days?

cooking! a lot! man. dakdolitang, yangyum chicken, curry of course, curry duenjang jigae, dalk jjo reem, and my own custom creations of course.

anyways, the ugly truth was a decent movie, if you take it completely objectively and not critically. haha it's got a lot of simple humor and simple themes. funny people was... funny.. and sad. kinda like click, but with different humor, which i didn't exactly agree with all the time. but hey, who's complaining? haha. i would say the top notch movie for this summer was 500 days of summer. very well made, with a very good soundtrack, might i add. there was something about it that i clicked with.. maybe it was the "indie"-esque feel to it. anyways, YES man was also good. simply, good.

with all these movies that i've been watching, it's been giving me a lot of hope. i don't know why, but, movies are mostly made to be optimistic - except for those twisted movies... bleh. anyways, they just give me a better outlook on life? like maybe in the end of things, it will get better? heck, i know it's supposed to. but i think they gave me a real tangible example that i can relate to. thank you media (for once)! haha.

oooh, one really strong impact on me was freaking shining inheritance. haha that drama kept me addicted for so long. even though i didn't even watch episode 3-9, i think watching 20 of all the other episodes of the series was good enough. but man it was definitely a good story with the typical korean drama feel/teases. however, the overall character development was not as i expected. maybe i haven't watched enough korean dramas to think this was a complete typical korean drama, but i thought it was definitely different. and i liked it. freaking i wanted pak jun se to get go eun sung. too bad it couldn't be a typical fairytale ending. anyways, he's my new favorite! haha it was kwon sang woo before, but he is now the new "cool guy."

man. i was looking around for pictures of bae soo bin, but he definitely does not have that suave musheeneun namja vibe. maybe i should give up on him? haha. man, anyways.

where i stand with everything - to be honest, is just an attitude of carpe diem. sieze the time that you have of living, sieze the moments that you have with people, sieze the oppourtunities that present themselves, just sieze. and don't look back? i dont know. we'll see.

and that's that.

-ajc

rest.

i think i just need to retreat to a place to just rest, figure things out, and find some perspective. or maybe i need to do the opposite.